First, an update.
We got word from the fourth interview site and were denied a position there as well. We aren't sure why yet, but they are supposed to be sending a letter, which will hopefully outline their reasoning--our guess is they want somebody with "more experience." With this rejection we have decided that it is time to start moving toward seeking calls in other places; we don't feel as if where we have been assigned is the best fit for us, so we have talked to the people in charge in order to get that process going. In that conversation we were told that it could take some time; that there were still more opportunities coming up the pipeline; and that there were pastoral candidates that liked the way the synod conducted their interviewing process (more on that later... maybe).
So, where does all of this leave us? Well, let me paint that picture for you briefly. We're still without a job (both of us); we're falling back on our back-up plan and working toward moving in with my parents for an interim period; and we continue our hoping and praying that the system will start working for us in the VERY near future. We have a lot of support from friends and family, basically telling us to keep our heads up and that it will work itself out--eventually. However, it's the eventually that is really unsettling. We have student loans to paid, we have vocations to live out, we have adventures to partake in, and a lot of it is wrapped up in being able to sustain our lives together, which generally speaking requires money. Money comes from jobs, and we don't have them.
Nonetheless, I am not here to tell you about how sad and weepy I am. Instead, I did a lot of thinking as I drove 3 hours to work a shift at my old digs yesterday. There was a time of reflection on the things that were said at the synod assembly that we attended, as well as my attitude and outlook on the whole process we have been going through so far. Needless to say I feel as if things need to change on an internal level.
I need to be more positive.
I need to focus on the service to be provided.
I need to remember that it's about more than me.
I need to rejoice in the privilege of being on this adventure.
I need to re-evaluate my position in the world.
Last night I shared some of these thoughts with my wife and she was in agreement, that neither of us have really been that positive or focused in the right areas of our journey together. It isn't something easily pinpointed, nor easily remedied. Simply because we are individuals, and as such there are interests, passions and wants that we each hold dear. Now, I could take the time and go through each of the line items above, but that would take a lot of time and I'm not sure it would be all that worth reading. So, here are some highlights from my intensive reflection session.
At the synod assembly, the bishop presented the message for the opening worship session, which could be the subject of a completely different rant. However, the message was about the ability to make a difference through the enactment of positive thoughts, thinking and insights. He had a volunteer stand on the stage with him, and asked him to think about various ideas/events and he proceeded to push his arm down. Now, this was a young man, probably an athlete of some sort, and you would think that he could keep his arm from being pushed down regardless. However, when the bishop told him to think more negative or more selfish things his arm dropped; as opposed to when he was thinking positive/selfless things his arm remained outstretched when pushed.
The experiment continued through a few different trials, but one that I thought was pretty interesting was when he called on 5 other volunteers to join the first on stage with him and the first one. They stood in a line and the bishop assigned one person to think negative thoughts about the first volunteer--it was a single-blind experiment--and the result was the same, his arm dropped when pushed on it.
Now, there is something to be said about social expectations, group psychology, social psychology, and what not, but this isn't one of those types of blogs. I'm interested in all of that stuff, but we'll save it for another time. For now, we'll get back to the meat and potatoes.
Back to the 3-hour drive...
Looking back over the journey my wife and I have been on since we collaborated on the initial assignment paperwork, there has been an air of selfishness surrounding us. We bickered over regions to preference: she wanted to go home, I wanted to stay home, I don't want to go to her home, she doesn't want to be in mine, etc. Then, when we get assigned to the region, she's crushed because she wanted to go home; I'm elated because I get to stay home, however I don't really like the northern part of the state, so it wasn't as great as it could have been (still okay though). Then, we start interviewing, and I don't really want to go; we lose hope after the first rejection; we try to brainstorm what we could do differently, how to be better; we were focusing on the ways the interviewers got it wrong and how the system wasn't on our side.
The common thread that I found was internal; the focus was on me, my wife, and our life together. It dawned on me that people have been pointing me in the opposite direction for some time. They have pushed me to look outside of myself to the possibilities for service, relationship and love that abound in the places that we get to go, people we get to meet, and between us.
When the interviews started not producing the expected results we started to get down on ourselves, and one of the first people to chime in was my friend Ryan. He told me to tell my wife that as much as the interviews are about getting a job, it's also an opportunity for her to share the gospel with new people. As her discerned vocation is that of a pastor, she is called to share the good news with people and guide them with love to God.
Power of the word.
It is really easy for me to allow the focus to be moved from me to my wife in these situations too, because it is her interview, it's her call, it's her vocation. However, I have one too. This is were I find the most difficulty; it's very easy to allow my wife's vocation overshadow mine, which I think at this point is one of the real struggles that I'm going to be facing as we progress through this process. I have put my life, my goals, and my dreams on hold (sort of) in order to support her on her quest to rule the world for her god.
I have a vocation too.
I have dreams too.
I have a calling to serve people too.
I have a life to live.
My vocation is not a pastor, but I have been called (or whatever) to serve a population of people that is vastly under-supported and losing ground daily. Elementary school teachers are gems that should be cherished, and I have become one of them. I am a certified/licensed elementary school teacher with a reading endorsement. I really enjoy working with kindergarten through 3rd/4th grade students. I guest taught all over the city were we currently live. I did it; I love it; I want to do it forever. However, this has been lost in this process--it's about finding my wife a job; it's about figuring out where she is going to be a pastor, but I've never stopped to think about whether I could live my call out in this places either.
I know this is turning it back towards myself, but it's about so much more than me. It's bigger than me and my wife. It's about the communities that we can serve in, the good we can do, and the places where we are NEEDED!
It's good to be wanted, but it's another thing entirely to be needed. The church needs leaders and the schools need teachers. However, my wife, last night, told me that this whole thing is a lot like marriage: you don't necessarily jump into a marriage without it being a good fit--we haven't found that right fit yet. It isn't anything about us personally, it's just hasn't been the right relationship potential, or something like that. Naturally, I had some retorts to this that extended our conversation for 20 minutes, but it all holds true regardless.
There has to be a willingness to on both sides of the table.
A willingness to take a risk, to be challenged, to challenge others, to work hard together for the glory of god and the community. Without this willingness nothing can come of the relationship.
The question becomes, are we willing to take the necessary risks? I think so. We are stepping out on faith, assuming that there is a right fit for us; and that we will find it. However, I think we also need to keep in mind to keep grounded in the big picture--it isn't about where we end up, it's about who we get to serve when we get there!
To love and serve others.
The call of a pastor.
The call of a teacher.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
God's Timing // Awkward Party
Welcome to the end of another week, or the beginning of a new week. Either way we meet again, and it is time for more reflection and updates from my journey to become a pastor's husband.
I'm not sure how substantial this will be, however my hope is that it is a bit more meaningful than last week's; even though I was going to make up for it by posting another one before it came time to officially post--didn't quite make it. Nonetheless, here goes something...
This week in review:
So, really our lives are not that much different since we started on this journey. People move, people search for jobs, people have arguments, and people watch movies. It's all about maintaining a sense of normalcy as we progress through and toward the unknown. However, the problem remains that all we have is the unknown. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, to think about, or even live through it strains your relationship.
For instance, the arguments we had pertained to nothing remotely important (roads being blocked due to construction; and emotional distress turning into attacks). I'm not sure what was at the root of the dispute, but I fear that it is due to the stress that I have been unable to alleviate in the past week or so. It just keeps adding up, with no relief in sight. If anything, it only seems that the stress keeps building up, which means we are quickly racing toward another break down. Neither of us needs this, wants this, or really has time to deal with another outburst like we had a couple of weeks ago.
I mean working on the maintenance/custodial crew at the school has helped fill my time, but provided that there is plenty of hours in the day (at work or otherwise) for my mind to focus on the unknown that has become our life. As I walk around the halls of the school, my mind rehashes all of the scenarios that could get played out in the coming days; it reminds me constantly that we're still jobless and soon to be homeless; it disallows me to see the brighter side of what could be coming our way. It is like I am stuck in a dark hall with no doors and no light--I keep walking in the direction I think is forward, but I never seem to make progress. I just want things to be figured out, to be settled, to be finished for this part of the journey, so that we can start the next part.
It doesn't make it any easier when a good number of my wife's friends are receiving calls and transitioning into the next phase of life. Not all of them are so lucky as those, but it still feels like we are the only ones. In reality, there are at least 2 families here at the seminary who are in a similar position as us: waiting, wondering, worrying.
The unknown has gripped us and it's starting to overwhelm us.
We want answers.
We want to move on.
We want progress.
So, just to give you a little update on what we are looking at, because some of it is a little difficult to fathom, I will provide a little insight as to what could happen next.
For starters, we are waiting to hear back from the 4th interview. We traveled up north again on this past Monday. She was told that it could be between 1 and 2 weeks before we hear anything back, which has been about average. Naturally, there are two options for what the correspondence can tell us, "Yes, we want you," or "No, we don't want you." So far we have only received the latter, so our hopes are pretty low for this one as well--granted we want this one to work just so we can move forward with the rest of this stuff. However, our track record, like described, disallows me to allow my feet to leave the ground on this one. Nonetheless, if they do say, "Yes," then we will move forward: there is paper work to be filled out, ordination ceremonies to plan, a trip to Montana, and a move to a new house in a new city.
However, keeping my feet firmly on the ground disallows me to think of such positive things for very long. There is a glimmer of hope to be seen--the other 2 first call candidates have gotten jobs, which means my wife is the last one--but at the same time, our previous experience has shown us that things might not be as ripe with possibilities as the powers that be have made us think. It would seem that the barriers before us are a little harder to maneuver than originally thought, which is why we have developed a fairly firm back-up plan, which goes something like this:
If we hear a "No, we don't want you," then she is going to have a heartfelt, albeit difficult discussion with the office of the bishop for her synod. Through this conversation she is going to hopefully get some answers to some questions and seek the next steps in acquiring a position, potentially in a new area. However, this doesn't really effect me any. I'm not apart of that conversation, because if I was, there would probably be not very nice things said. I mean, there are all sorts of words, phrases and images that come to my mind as I think about all of the hoops we have jumped through for nothing so far. Empty promises, rings of fire, and very little support for either of us as we progress towards nothing.
Regardless of the conversation she has, we have to move out sooner or later. The seminary has told us that they are willing to work with us--allowing us to stay beyond the housing contract--however I would much rather not be a charity case for a system that has failed to deliver the goods that they promised. So, I have talked to my parents and they have decided to allow us to move in with them for a brief time while things get figured out. As for the rest of our stuff, it would be placed in a storage unit until the time we can rescue it and put it in it's final resting place--an abode of our own.
Now, please keep in mind that nothing has been officially set in motion yet.
We have started preparing for a move: packing up things that aren't being used, won't be used, and other such materials. We have made back-up arrangements with my parents--just in case we get bad news. However, there is no official word yet. We still have to wait to hear back from the church, and she still has to contact the office of the bishop, but we're preparing for the worst. There are plenty of jobs available across the nation, and yet she gets pulled down to a place that doesn't want her... It's crazy, and there is not enough time to get into it for this post. Maybe soon I will divulge my inner thoughts on this process--especially if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it does.
In conclusion, thank-you for reading. This may be a little vague, but I'm not sure how much I'm really supposed to be sharing. In order to stay on the better side of the system, I have left out some of the more real details of what is looming just beyond the horizon. We are hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and thankful that you're on this journey with us.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
I'm not sure how substantial this will be, however my hope is that it is a bit more meaningful than last week's; even though I was going to make up for it by posting another one before it came time to officially post--didn't quite make it. Nonetheless, here goes something...
This week in review:
- We had our 4th interview for a pastoral position.
- We attended the first day of the Synod Assembly for our area
- We packed up most of our kitchen stuff
- We visited my parents
- We have discussed and set in motion plans for the next steps forward
- We watched Orange is the New Black Season 1
- Tried to watch Black Mass
- Currently watching Pan (a re-imagination of the Peter Pan story)
- Packed up some clothing that we won't be wearing in the near future
- Had a few arguments about unimportant things
- Read some books
So, really our lives are not that much different since we started on this journey. People move, people search for jobs, people have arguments, and people watch movies. It's all about maintaining a sense of normalcy as we progress through and toward the unknown. However, the problem remains that all we have is the unknown. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, to think about, or even live through it strains your relationship.
For instance, the arguments we had pertained to nothing remotely important (roads being blocked due to construction; and emotional distress turning into attacks). I'm not sure what was at the root of the dispute, but I fear that it is due to the stress that I have been unable to alleviate in the past week or so. It just keeps adding up, with no relief in sight. If anything, it only seems that the stress keeps building up, which means we are quickly racing toward another break down. Neither of us needs this, wants this, or really has time to deal with another outburst like we had a couple of weeks ago.
I mean working on the maintenance/custodial crew at the school has helped fill my time, but provided that there is plenty of hours in the day (at work or otherwise) for my mind to focus on the unknown that has become our life. As I walk around the halls of the school, my mind rehashes all of the scenarios that could get played out in the coming days; it reminds me constantly that we're still jobless and soon to be homeless; it disallows me to see the brighter side of what could be coming our way. It is like I am stuck in a dark hall with no doors and no light--I keep walking in the direction I think is forward, but I never seem to make progress. I just want things to be figured out, to be settled, to be finished for this part of the journey, so that we can start the next part.
It doesn't make it any easier when a good number of my wife's friends are receiving calls and transitioning into the next phase of life. Not all of them are so lucky as those, but it still feels like we are the only ones. In reality, there are at least 2 families here at the seminary who are in a similar position as us: waiting, wondering, worrying.
The unknown has gripped us and it's starting to overwhelm us.
We want answers.
We want to move on.
We want progress.
So, just to give you a little update on what we are looking at, because some of it is a little difficult to fathom, I will provide a little insight as to what could happen next.
For starters, we are waiting to hear back from the 4th interview. We traveled up north again on this past Monday. She was told that it could be between 1 and 2 weeks before we hear anything back, which has been about average. Naturally, there are two options for what the correspondence can tell us, "Yes, we want you," or "No, we don't want you." So far we have only received the latter, so our hopes are pretty low for this one as well--granted we want this one to work just so we can move forward with the rest of this stuff. However, our track record, like described, disallows me to allow my feet to leave the ground on this one. Nonetheless, if they do say, "Yes," then we will move forward: there is paper work to be filled out, ordination ceremonies to plan, a trip to Montana, and a move to a new house in a new city.
However, keeping my feet firmly on the ground disallows me to think of such positive things for very long. There is a glimmer of hope to be seen--the other 2 first call candidates have gotten jobs, which means my wife is the last one--but at the same time, our previous experience has shown us that things might not be as ripe with possibilities as the powers that be have made us think. It would seem that the barriers before us are a little harder to maneuver than originally thought, which is why we have developed a fairly firm back-up plan, which goes something like this:
If we hear a "No, we don't want you," then she is going to have a heartfelt, albeit difficult discussion with the office of the bishop for her synod. Through this conversation she is going to hopefully get some answers to some questions and seek the next steps in acquiring a position, potentially in a new area. However, this doesn't really effect me any. I'm not apart of that conversation, because if I was, there would probably be not very nice things said. I mean, there are all sorts of words, phrases and images that come to my mind as I think about all of the hoops we have jumped through for nothing so far. Empty promises, rings of fire, and very little support for either of us as we progress towards nothing.
Regardless of the conversation she has, we have to move out sooner or later. The seminary has told us that they are willing to work with us--allowing us to stay beyond the housing contract--however I would much rather not be a charity case for a system that has failed to deliver the goods that they promised. So, I have talked to my parents and they have decided to allow us to move in with them for a brief time while things get figured out. As for the rest of our stuff, it would be placed in a storage unit until the time we can rescue it and put it in it's final resting place--an abode of our own.
Now, please keep in mind that nothing has been officially set in motion yet.
We have started preparing for a move: packing up things that aren't being used, won't be used, and other such materials. We have made back-up arrangements with my parents--just in case we get bad news. However, there is no official word yet. We still have to wait to hear back from the church, and she still has to contact the office of the bishop, but we're preparing for the worst. There are plenty of jobs available across the nation, and yet she gets pulled down to a place that doesn't want her... It's crazy, and there is not enough time to get into it for this post. Maybe soon I will divulge my inner thoughts on this process--especially if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it does.
In conclusion, thank-you for reading. This may be a little vague, but I'm not sure how much I'm really supposed to be sharing. In order to stay on the better side of the system, I have left out some of the more real details of what is looming just beyond the horizon. We are hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and thankful that you're on this journey with us.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Moving Over the Shallows // Don't Get Trapped
Good morning, afternoon, evening, night.
Hello.
It is my hope that the bar has not been set too high for these rants, raves, and otherwise nondescript posts of mine, but nonetheless I have to keep writing. As a part of this challenge it is my goal to write once a week, regardless if there is something provocative or meaningful to say. This is because our day to day functions, operations and thoughts are really what make us us. Yes, we may have a super epiphany every once and a while, but those are rare, and so we are left with our "mundane existences," that are often overlooked and thought to be less than useful. However, there are times where I feel like it is my every day life that people miss out on some of my true essence. I have been through a lot of things this past week, and most of it has nothing to do with my journey toward becoming a pastor's husband. It's about life, and how I live it, and how I live with my wife, and how I love with others in the community.
It's pretty straightforward really: we need people to survive. We rely on others in order to make our lives complete and worth living in the first place. Some of us choose, or whatever, to get married; some of us join fraternities/sororities of like-minded people; some us go to church and worship; some of us join clubs, gangs, and other social networks; all for a sense of belonging and to fulfill the unending need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Regardless of religion, social status or musical interests we all need people to interact with. This is at times the hardest part of life for me; I don't like to need people; and I don't like the fact that I know that I need people in order to maintain my being. At the very same time though, I miss people; I miss my previous communities; I miss knowing that there was a group of people who's interest in me and my well being was more than passive, but not necessarily active. It's weird to think about, but there was a time in my life when I lived with 5 other people (all women; my wife being one of those) and we all worked together to for a bond--a community in a house and beyond. I miss that...
Now that I'm married people will start to talk like your spouse is supposed to be your life, your all, your everything. This is true, to an extent. However, your spouse is only one person, and as a single person there is only so much that they can do for you or with you. I feel as if this notion that once you get married your life turns entirely toward the person who has joined you is a social trap that is well worth avoiding. I can't say with any level of certainty that I know of people who have fallen into this trap, but there has to be at least one person out there--otherwise there wouldn't be so many crazy marriage stories turning to serial killer type scenarios; no more Lifetime movies if this didn't happen! Nonetheless, I get a little scared when I isolate myself in the house with only my wife to hang out with; only my wife to take trips with; only my wife is around when I get home from work. It's strange.
I'm not really that outwardly social, but I do like to do stuff, which is a bit of a struggle for me. I'm not very good at navigating the initiation of social activities. I have thought to myself, quite a few times, that I really don't know how grown-ups are supposed to initiate social happenings. It's always baffled me, because as children we would ask our parents, then talk to our friends telling them that our parents said it was okay, then they asked their parents, and it generally all worked out for the best. However, as an adult, there are not 3rd party support teams to interrupt our social gatherings. We have to do the work ourselves, but the question remains how does one do that? I have thought it weird to just swing by somebody's house to see if they wanted to do something; but with the technological boom of the past few years we don't really have to talk to anybody in order to figure out things. It's all really bizarre to me, especially considering I've never really been that social in the first place.
Now, where am I going with this?
I'm not sure.
There wasn't really anything specific that I had in mind for this post, so I just started freelancing and here we are. I do feel as if there are thoughts in that first wave worth thinking about a little more, especially as we transition to new communities, new life, and new beginnings. Every new stop on one's journey is an opportunity to make changes, enhance old habits, and even reinvent ourselves. What would I change, what would I like to do differently? I'm not sure. However, my hope is that as soon as my wife takes the next step on her journey, there will be opportunities for me to explore new areas of life and meet new people who will get me to new levels of life.
In other news...
May these words be meaningful to somebody, sometime. I know my words are not always meant for the here and now, and so may these words find the eyes that need them at the time of power.
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Hello.
It is my hope that the bar has not been set too high for these rants, raves, and otherwise nondescript posts of mine, but nonetheless I have to keep writing. As a part of this challenge it is my goal to write once a week, regardless if there is something provocative or meaningful to say. This is because our day to day functions, operations and thoughts are really what make us us. Yes, we may have a super epiphany every once and a while, but those are rare, and so we are left with our "mundane existences," that are often overlooked and thought to be less than useful. However, there are times where I feel like it is my every day life that people miss out on some of my true essence. I have been through a lot of things this past week, and most of it has nothing to do with my journey toward becoming a pastor's husband. It's about life, and how I live it, and how I live with my wife, and how I love with others in the community.
It's pretty straightforward really: we need people to survive. We rely on others in order to make our lives complete and worth living in the first place. Some of us choose, or whatever, to get married; some of us join fraternities/sororities of like-minded people; some us go to church and worship; some of us join clubs, gangs, and other social networks; all for a sense of belonging and to fulfill the unending need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Regardless of religion, social status or musical interests we all need people to interact with. This is at times the hardest part of life for me; I don't like to need people; and I don't like the fact that I know that I need people in order to maintain my being. At the very same time though, I miss people; I miss my previous communities; I miss knowing that there was a group of people who's interest in me and my well being was more than passive, but not necessarily active. It's weird to think about, but there was a time in my life when I lived with 5 other people (all women; my wife being one of those) and we all worked together to for a bond--a community in a house and beyond. I miss that...
Now that I'm married people will start to talk like your spouse is supposed to be your life, your all, your everything. This is true, to an extent. However, your spouse is only one person, and as a single person there is only so much that they can do for you or with you. I feel as if this notion that once you get married your life turns entirely toward the person who has joined you is a social trap that is well worth avoiding. I can't say with any level of certainty that I know of people who have fallen into this trap, but there has to be at least one person out there--otherwise there wouldn't be so many crazy marriage stories turning to serial killer type scenarios; no more Lifetime movies if this didn't happen! Nonetheless, I get a little scared when I isolate myself in the house with only my wife to hang out with; only my wife to take trips with; only my wife is around when I get home from work. It's strange.
I'm not really that outwardly social, but I do like to do stuff, which is a bit of a struggle for me. I'm not very good at navigating the initiation of social activities. I have thought to myself, quite a few times, that I really don't know how grown-ups are supposed to initiate social happenings. It's always baffled me, because as children we would ask our parents, then talk to our friends telling them that our parents said it was okay, then they asked their parents, and it generally all worked out for the best. However, as an adult, there are not 3rd party support teams to interrupt our social gatherings. We have to do the work ourselves, but the question remains how does one do that? I have thought it weird to just swing by somebody's house to see if they wanted to do something; but with the technological boom of the past few years we don't really have to talk to anybody in order to figure out things. It's all really bizarre to me, especially considering I've never really been that social in the first place.
Now, where am I going with this?
I'm not sure.
There wasn't really anything specific that I had in mind for this post, so I just started freelancing and here we are. I do feel as if there are thoughts in that first wave worth thinking about a little more, especially as we transition to new communities, new life, and new beginnings. Every new stop on one's journey is an opportunity to make changes, enhance old habits, and even reinvent ourselves. What would I change, what would I like to do differently? I'm not sure. However, my hope is that as soon as my wife takes the next step on her journey, there will be opportunities for me to explore new areas of life and meet new people who will get me to new levels of life.
In other news...
- I started working at the school as a part of the maintenance/custodial crew on Tuesday of this week.
- My wife has an interview tomorrow for another possible call opportunity.
- We have started packing our house, in preparation to move out--hopefully to her first call, but we have back-up plans forming too.
- I invited my wife to take a trip with my yesterday to a semi-local town where we had an awesome lunch and purchased several (10) different, new, types of Root Beer to try.
May these words be meaningful to somebody, sometime. I know my words are not always meant for the here and now, and so may these words find the eyes that need them at the time of power.
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Real Life // Real Marriage
It's that time again. Here we go...
So, this past week I was able to spend a lot of time on my own: sitting, reading, reflecting, watching TV, and most recently spend a little time with my brother and the rest of my family back home. It's been a good weekend, but it's quickly coming to a close--even though there is still another complete day and then some to live through. Work begins on Tuesday, Summer starts, and the long trek through the unknown continues.
The reason I was alone this week was not my design. You see my wife was able to score a scholarship to go to a 3-4 day conference about identifying and preventing child abuse, and other forms of abuse, in the church. She also took this trip as an opportunity to visit friends and family in the area. Needless to say, I was left home because I still have some substitute teaching gigs to work through, which allowed for a little "stay-cation" of sorts. However, I didn't think it was fair that she got a vacation and I didn't, so I decided to visit my family for a little bit of the Memorial Day Weekend. Not really the same thing, but it is what it is, and I'm not very good at vacation so it is always short lived and I always jump back into "real life" before I've had an adequate time to rest and recover.
However, this isn't about me and my poor vacationing skills. Like mentioned above this week presented an opportunity to do some things on my own, which isn't always a good thing, but there were some highlights that I would like to share and expand on for a short time with you now.
As a part of this project, the entire pastor's husband thing, I really wanted to get back to the roots of my writing. For those of you who don't know anything about me, the true beginning of my interest in writing wasn't until my undergraduate career, where I was given the opportunity to write academic papers following research on some theological ideas: history of the church, post-modern though, life of Martin Luther, and all kinds of other topics. Now, they probably weren't very good, but I did graduate with honors in the religion program. However, the thing was my advisor, professor and theological mentor (of sorts) really encouraged me to be myself and keep up the work--praising my writing ability and the work I was doing. Since then, I've really struggled to tap back into the academic style of writing: developing a question, searching for answers and compiling the information. Since then I have deviated into other forms of writing: rants, raves, poems, stories, Facebook status updates, etc.
I have taken some of the academic steps by coming up with a question and looking for answers, however there aren't very many avenues for finding answers. If you were to search the internet for resources for a pastor's husband, you're not going to find very many. You may find a few articles about a male pastor who's wife is also a pastor, but that's not the situation I find myself in. Other than that, there are endless articles about male charismatic pastors who have wives that run the show behind the scenes.
What about me?
What about males like me?
Who is there to help us?
Anybody?
Not really. I think the issue is that the church culture has not caught up to the social culture in which it is working. Yes, there are church movements that are calling for the modernization of their practices, but considering the church was built up over centuries of sordid histories, it's going to take a lot of moving to get the field leveled out.
With that being said, there are those church leaders who feel as if they know what the issue is; they have the fix; they know what needs to be done in order to prosper their lives, their churches, and their communities. However, they still aren't playing the same game I am; their rules don't seem to apply to me. Now, before you raise your heckles and judge me too harshly, finish reading... or not, either way I'm okay with you--still love you!
So, over the past week I had the opportunity to eat with neighbors, work with students, read some pleasure books, and make an attempt at reading a book about what it means to have a God-centered marriage. One of these things is not like the other....
In my longing to find some more academic resources, I decided to try to find some books pertaining to the role of marriage in the church, or marriage for church people. I figured what better place to start on my journey, than to see what church leaders and, by extension, The Bible had to say about marriage and the roles that people were supposed to play in the practice of being married. Therefore, I went to the local library and picked up one of these "marriage user manuals from God."
I tried...
I really wanted to...
I couldn't...
I quit...
I made it chapter 2 of this book and could not force myself to read any further. At first I was holding out hope that there would be enough material that applied to the life that I wanted to see develop between my wife and I; but it quickly became a one-sided argument about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, and it didn't feel good to read. I'm not going to get into details, because there are a lot of people who think differently than I do, and I respect them and I cherish the relationships I have with them--they know who they are, and they know we see things differently.
With that being said, I do not see my role in my marriage to be anything other than a partner, a supporter, a challenger, a lover, and sometimes a jerk (it's bound to happen, so might as well own it). There are all types of cultural differences, social constructs, and ideas about what it means to be married and what it means to be in relationship with God; and I'm not sure we are in the proper place to determine what the later dictates of the former. We can all read the bible verses that refer to women as lesser, as being subordinate, as being the vessels for carrying creation, as being the helper, as being the servant, as being an object of possession, but times have changed. We went through the Suffrage Movement, we went through the Civil Rights Movement, we are still going through these movements in our country because somebody thinks all people are equal.
This does not mean that there aren't roles to be played in society; that certain types of temperament are needed for the world to maintain a harmonious appearance, but this is not limited to gender. I can be a tender hearted, caring male just as easily as my wife can be a authoritative leader. It doesn't matter what is between one's legs, what matters is what's in their heart. I don't need to be the "boss" of my wife--I can tell her what to do, but she doesn't have to listen (nor does she that often anyway). We are working out a system that works for us, and I don't think I need The Bible, a marriage book, or any other resource to tell me what our relationship is supposed to look like.
There will be mistakes.
There will be tears.
There will be hurts.
There will be pain.
There will be love.
We'll figure out what works for us without the dictates of other people. Yes, we'll ask advice; we'll see help when we need it (sometimes); and we understand that we cannot do this alone. However, to be told how to live life together is not the goal of this. To turn around and dictate to other men what their lives need to look like if their wife is called into church ministry, is not my goal. My goal is to document my journey toward God with my wife--that's it.
Eventually, I might come up with good resources, create my own, or just give up and go to seminary myself.
Either way, there will be documentation about my journey. There will be written proof that it is possible to struggle with an identity that is yet to be mainlined. It's possible to find God, while not going to church and loving your wife.
It's possible!
We can do it!
We will do it!
It's going to be okay!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. We have another interview set-up for next week, so here's hoping I am one step away from officially being a pastor's husband (or at least, one step closer!).
So, this past week I was able to spend a lot of time on my own: sitting, reading, reflecting, watching TV, and most recently spend a little time with my brother and the rest of my family back home. It's been a good weekend, but it's quickly coming to a close--even though there is still another complete day and then some to live through. Work begins on Tuesday, Summer starts, and the long trek through the unknown continues.
The reason I was alone this week was not my design. You see my wife was able to score a scholarship to go to a 3-4 day conference about identifying and preventing child abuse, and other forms of abuse, in the church. She also took this trip as an opportunity to visit friends and family in the area. Needless to say, I was left home because I still have some substitute teaching gigs to work through, which allowed for a little "stay-cation" of sorts. However, I didn't think it was fair that she got a vacation and I didn't, so I decided to visit my family for a little bit of the Memorial Day Weekend. Not really the same thing, but it is what it is, and I'm not very good at vacation so it is always short lived and I always jump back into "real life" before I've had an adequate time to rest and recover.
However, this isn't about me and my poor vacationing skills. Like mentioned above this week presented an opportunity to do some things on my own, which isn't always a good thing, but there were some highlights that I would like to share and expand on for a short time with you now.
As a part of this project, the entire pastor's husband thing, I really wanted to get back to the roots of my writing. For those of you who don't know anything about me, the true beginning of my interest in writing wasn't until my undergraduate career, where I was given the opportunity to write academic papers following research on some theological ideas: history of the church, post-modern though, life of Martin Luther, and all kinds of other topics. Now, they probably weren't very good, but I did graduate with honors in the religion program. However, the thing was my advisor, professor and theological mentor (of sorts) really encouraged me to be myself and keep up the work--praising my writing ability and the work I was doing. Since then, I've really struggled to tap back into the academic style of writing: developing a question, searching for answers and compiling the information. Since then I have deviated into other forms of writing: rants, raves, poems, stories, Facebook status updates, etc.
I have taken some of the academic steps by coming up with a question and looking for answers, however there aren't very many avenues for finding answers. If you were to search the internet for resources for a pastor's husband, you're not going to find very many. You may find a few articles about a male pastor who's wife is also a pastor, but that's not the situation I find myself in. Other than that, there are endless articles about male charismatic pastors who have wives that run the show behind the scenes.
What about me?
What about males like me?
Who is there to help us?
Anybody?
Not really. I think the issue is that the church culture has not caught up to the social culture in which it is working. Yes, there are church movements that are calling for the modernization of their practices, but considering the church was built up over centuries of sordid histories, it's going to take a lot of moving to get the field leveled out.
With that being said, there are those church leaders who feel as if they know what the issue is; they have the fix; they know what needs to be done in order to prosper their lives, their churches, and their communities. However, they still aren't playing the same game I am; their rules don't seem to apply to me. Now, before you raise your heckles and judge me too harshly, finish reading... or not, either way I'm okay with you--still love you!
So, over the past week I had the opportunity to eat with neighbors, work with students, read some pleasure books, and make an attempt at reading a book about what it means to have a God-centered marriage. One of these things is not like the other....
In my longing to find some more academic resources, I decided to try to find some books pertaining to the role of marriage in the church, or marriage for church people. I figured what better place to start on my journey, than to see what church leaders and, by extension, The Bible had to say about marriage and the roles that people were supposed to play in the practice of being married. Therefore, I went to the local library and picked up one of these "marriage user manuals from God."
I tried...
I really wanted to...
I couldn't...
I quit...
I made it chapter 2 of this book and could not force myself to read any further. At first I was holding out hope that there would be enough material that applied to the life that I wanted to see develop between my wife and I; but it quickly became a one-sided argument about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, and it didn't feel good to read. I'm not going to get into details, because there are a lot of people who think differently than I do, and I respect them and I cherish the relationships I have with them--they know who they are, and they know we see things differently.
With that being said, I do not see my role in my marriage to be anything other than a partner, a supporter, a challenger, a lover, and sometimes a jerk (it's bound to happen, so might as well own it). There are all types of cultural differences, social constructs, and ideas about what it means to be married and what it means to be in relationship with God; and I'm not sure we are in the proper place to determine what the later dictates of the former. We can all read the bible verses that refer to women as lesser, as being subordinate, as being the vessels for carrying creation, as being the helper, as being the servant, as being an object of possession, but times have changed. We went through the Suffrage Movement, we went through the Civil Rights Movement, we are still going through these movements in our country because somebody thinks all people are equal.
This does not mean that there aren't roles to be played in society; that certain types of temperament are needed for the world to maintain a harmonious appearance, but this is not limited to gender. I can be a tender hearted, caring male just as easily as my wife can be a authoritative leader. It doesn't matter what is between one's legs, what matters is what's in their heart. I don't need to be the "boss" of my wife--I can tell her what to do, but she doesn't have to listen (nor does she that often anyway). We are working out a system that works for us, and I don't think I need The Bible, a marriage book, or any other resource to tell me what our relationship is supposed to look like.
There will be mistakes.
There will be tears.
There will be hurts.
There will be pain.
There will be love.
We'll figure out what works for us without the dictates of other people. Yes, we'll ask advice; we'll see help when we need it (sometimes); and we understand that we cannot do this alone. However, to be told how to live life together is not the goal of this. To turn around and dictate to other men what their lives need to look like if their wife is called into church ministry, is not my goal. My goal is to document my journey toward God with my wife--that's it.
Eventually, I might come up with good resources, create my own, or just give up and go to seminary myself.
Either way, there will be documentation about my journey. There will be written proof that it is possible to struggle with an identity that is yet to be mainlined. It's possible to find God, while not going to church and loving your wife.
It's possible!
We can do it!
We will do it!
It's going to be okay!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. We have another interview set-up for next week, so here's hoping I am one step away from officially being a pastor's husband (or at least, one step closer!).
Monday, May 23, 2016
A Day Late; A Dollar Short // Not About the Benjamins
First, I must apologize for not being timely with this post. When I originally set out on this project it was going to be a weekly post, and the deadline was Sunday at Midnight. Needless to say it is now Monday at 6pm, which makes me 18 hours late. However, at the same time, the important part is that I write regularly, not necessarily when it actually gets published.
Secondly, I want to thank everybody who read the last post. I believe it was a record for me on any of my blogs--much love! My hope is that I can find a way to attract a regular viewership so that this project is more meaningful to more than just me and my wife. I want to write about meaningful things that highlight the issues facing people in the church, outside of the church, and build a network of support for everybody involved. Now, I realize that this is probably a long way off, but if we can continue to have record days anything is possible.
Third, here comes the meat.
After last week, things have started to look okay for us again. We have another interview set-up; I have a part time job lined up for at least part of the summer; We have until July to live in our current house until other arrangements need to be made; We're doing okay. However, there is always this cloud hanging over our heads, especially when it comes to work--getting a job, having a job, getting multiple jobs, paying bills, future bills, goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. Everything about life generally revolves around money. Even the American social scene is generally divided down these lines, with the haves on one side and the have nots on the other. I'd rather have and not have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads, or if we have kids, taking care of them. It's the great American struggle that nobody seems to be able to put a stop to.
We have a war on drugs.
We have a war on christmas.
We have the pseudo-persecution of American Christians.
We still have the poor, who will always be with us.
I don't know about you, but I would rather be poor in spirit than not be able to pay my bills. I realize that this is the opposite attitude I should have, especially since my wife's job revolves around attempting to help people better their soul perspective in some ways--there is more to it than that, but there is soul repair in there somewhere. This notion of preferring to pay the bills, as opposed to attend to the well being of my mind, body and spirit is nothing new to me. I am a worker; I will bust my back for the good of myself and others without considering the toll it is taking on my personal well being.
There were times when I would work 7 days a week, just because there was work to be done. Just last semester I student taught full time during the day, and then worked as many as 6 nights a week just to keep a steady income for bills and other expenses. That was equivalent of, essentially, working 2 full time jobs, but only getting paid for one.
The thing is it doesn't matter if I only have one job, or 5 jobs, I will do my best to put everything I have into all of them with no consideration of what might be happening to the rest of my life: my mind, my soul, my relationships with people outside of work, none of it matters where there is work to be done. Now, needless to say, given enough time, performance begins to slip and the cracks start showing through my superman costume. I cannot be all things to all people for very long; especially not if I give out more of myself than can be restored.
I need to rest.
I need to step back.
I need to say no.
I need to work for the greater good of others, while taking the time to work for the greater good of myself.
It's not easy saying no to things, especially when so much of my future life is unknown. I want to take proper measures of things now so there are no surprises later on. The dreaded, "What if..." keeps me awake at night, because it holds such much power over the planner nature that I hold within me. I want a clear cut path forward or I freak out. I cannot handle the mystery of not having a plan, and this current season of my life is full of holes and mysteries--and it isn't my doing either. If I hadn't taken the time to marry my wife, there is really no telling what I might be doing, but I know I wouldn't be worried about when my wife was going to get a job. I would be working through my life and figuring it out solo, which is really no way to live either.
However, I am proud to announce that on the morning of May 18th, 2016, I said no. I took inventory of my time, my needs, and the needs of my wife and I backed out of a second part time job. I had put in for a summer job here at the school, helping with the maintenance team, but then I also interviewed for a job at one of the local grocery stores, got it, and was slated to start training on the 18th. Needless to say I talked it over with my wife, and we both decided that it wasn't really worth having a second job. Especially since one job was working from 7:30-3:00 Monday-Friday; and the other would be nights and weekends to fill in the gaps.
That's potentially over 40 hours of work a week, and yet I'm supposed to be working on being a better husband? How does that work? If I don't have time to spend with my wife, there is no way that I could better my half of the relationship--it doesn't work that way. In order to work on a relationship both people need to be present, and at this point in time it's more important to be present than working 1000 hours to pay bills.
Yes, bills need to be paid.
Yes, bills will always be there.
Yes, I need to be with my wife in order to love her properly.
It isn't about the amount of money one has in the bank. It isn't about the amount of money one brings home from overworking themselves to death. It isn't, really, about money at all. It is about the relationships we foster between ourselves and others. We have to be present in the world in order to make a difference, and that's what I really want to do. I want to make a difference in the world, but until I can figure out how to pay the bills by making a difference in the world... I'm just going to have to balance my work life and my home life. We may always be broke, but we'll at least be broke together--unless she leaves me (it's her turn!).
In conclusion, I like to smart off to my wife such things as, "God helps those, who help themselves." In general, I say this to be snide and make fun of her for not being a productive member of our household--not having a job will do that to a person. As snarky as I typically say such things, there is a lesson to be learned here as well; For me and for those of you who are willing to read this. The lesson being this: helping yourself doesn't always mean doing more; sometimes it requires us to say no to more. In order to truly change the world, we need to know that we are putting our best selves out there, and that can't happen if you're working yourself into a stupor.
At this time I would like to thank my wife, for allowing me to make this hard decision on my own all the while fully supporting me in whatever I had decided to do. I love that you support me even if you foresee pitfalls and detriments in my actions--you're the type of lover who will let me take 3 steps in the wrong direction, but still be there when I fall over from exhaustion. Even though, I'm sure there will be times when I would rather you speak up, rather than wait for me to fail. Nonetheless, these are my words to you. Thank-you.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Secondly, I want to thank everybody who read the last post. I believe it was a record for me on any of my blogs--much love! My hope is that I can find a way to attract a regular viewership so that this project is more meaningful to more than just me and my wife. I want to write about meaningful things that highlight the issues facing people in the church, outside of the church, and build a network of support for everybody involved. Now, I realize that this is probably a long way off, but if we can continue to have record days anything is possible.
Third, here comes the meat.
After last week, things have started to look okay for us again. We have another interview set-up; I have a part time job lined up for at least part of the summer; We have until July to live in our current house until other arrangements need to be made; We're doing okay. However, there is always this cloud hanging over our heads, especially when it comes to work--getting a job, having a job, getting multiple jobs, paying bills, future bills, goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. Everything about life generally revolves around money. Even the American social scene is generally divided down these lines, with the haves on one side and the have nots on the other. I'd rather have and not have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads, or if we have kids, taking care of them. It's the great American struggle that nobody seems to be able to put a stop to.
We have a war on drugs.
We have a war on christmas.
We have the pseudo-persecution of American Christians.
We still have the poor, who will always be with us.
I don't know about you, but I would rather be poor in spirit than not be able to pay my bills. I realize that this is the opposite attitude I should have, especially since my wife's job revolves around attempting to help people better their soul perspective in some ways--there is more to it than that, but there is soul repair in there somewhere. This notion of preferring to pay the bills, as opposed to attend to the well being of my mind, body and spirit is nothing new to me. I am a worker; I will bust my back for the good of myself and others without considering the toll it is taking on my personal well being.
There were times when I would work 7 days a week, just because there was work to be done. Just last semester I student taught full time during the day, and then worked as many as 6 nights a week just to keep a steady income for bills and other expenses. That was equivalent of, essentially, working 2 full time jobs, but only getting paid for one.
The thing is it doesn't matter if I only have one job, or 5 jobs, I will do my best to put everything I have into all of them with no consideration of what might be happening to the rest of my life: my mind, my soul, my relationships with people outside of work, none of it matters where there is work to be done. Now, needless to say, given enough time, performance begins to slip and the cracks start showing through my superman costume. I cannot be all things to all people for very long; especially not if I give out more of myself than can be restored.
I need to rest.
I need to step back.
I need to say no.
I need to work for the greater good of others, while taking the time to work for the greater good of myself.
It's not easy saying no to things, especially when so much of my future life is unknown. I want to take proper measures of things now so there are no surprises later on. The dreaded, "What if..." keeps me awake at night, because it holds such much power over the planner nature that I hold within me. I want a clear cut path forward or I freak out. I cannot handle the mystery of not having a plan, and this current season of my life is full of holes and mysteries--and it isn't my doing either. If I hadn't taken the time to marry my wife, there is really no telling what I might be doing, but I know I wouldn't be worried about when my wife was going to get a job. I would be working through my life and figuring it out solo, which is really no way to live either.
However, I am proud to announce that on the morning of May 18th, 2016, I said no. I took inventory of my time, my needs, and the needs of my wife and I backed out of a second part time job. I had put in for a summer job here at the school, helping with the maintenance team, but then I also interviewed for a job at one of the local grocery stores, got it, and was slated to start training on the 18th. Needless to say I talked it over with my wife, and we both decided that it wasn't really worth having a second job. Especially since one job was working from 7:30-3:00 Monday-Friday; and the other would be nights and weekends to fill in the gaps.
That's potentially over 40 hours of work a week, and yet I'm supposed to be working on being a better husband? How does that work? If I don't have time to spend with my wife, there is no way that I could better my half of the relationship--it doesn't work that way. In order to work on a relationship both people need to be present, and at this point in time it's more important to be present than working 1000 hours to pay bills.
Yes, bills need to be paid.
Yes, bills will always be there.
Yes, I need to be with my wife in order to love her properly.
It isn't about the amount of money one has in the bank. It isn't about the amount of money one brings home from overworking themselves to death. It isn't, really, about money at all. It is about the relationships we foster between ourselves and others. We have to be present in the world in order to make a difference, and that's what I really want to do. I want to make a difference in the world, but until I can figure out how to pay the bills by making a difference in the world... I'm just going to have to balance my work life and my home life. We may always be broke, but we'll at least be broke together--unless she leaves me (it's her turn!).
In conclusion, I like to smart off to my wife such things as, "God helps those, who help themselves." In general, I say this to be snide and make fun of her for not being a productive member of our household--not having a job will do that to a person. As snarky as I typically say such things, there is a lesson to be learned here as well; For me and for those of you who are willing to read this. The lesson being this: helping yourself doesn't always mean doing more; sometimes it requires us to say no to more. In order to truly change the world, we need to know that we are putting our best selves out there, and that can't happen if you're working yourself into a stupor.
At this time I would like to thank my wife, for allowing me to make this hard decision on my own all the while fully supporting me in whatever I had decided to do. I love that you support me even if you foresee pitfalls and detriments in my actions--you're the type of lover who will let me take 3 steps in the wrong direction, but still be there when I fall over from exhaustion. Even though, I'm sure there will be times when I would rather you speak up, rather than wait for me to fail. Nonetheless, these are my words to you. Thank-you.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Saturday, May 14, 2016
The First Breakdown//The Need for Grace
I yelled. I screamed. I cried. All at the same time.
Things got real this past week. I had an emotional breakdown.
It was in front of my wife. It was directed at my wife. It was the opposite of what a man is supposed to be.
I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was outside of myself with emotion. I haven't recovered yet.
It takes time to heal wounds, but in order to heal most wounds it requires us to admit we have them. However, in order to admit that we were, at some point in our lives, weak means that we cannot fulfill our social duties of being a strong, upstanding male. As a male in this world it is my job to hold the world's problems on my shoulders and carry on like it doesn't bother me--that I don't feel the strain of the world. Luck for me, up until recently I was able to do so pretty well: I went through my days taking on the problems of the world, doling out advice, offering grace to those who have done wrong, offering shoulders to those who have felt wronged. In doing all of this, I have been able to actively ignore the internal pressure that was building; overlook the problems that I had yet to deal with. It's been a miraculous existence, let me tell you. There are a couple of people, a handful at the most, who know the ins and outs of most of my life, but that doesn't mean that those ins and outs and have been dealt with.
For instance, most of you probably don't know that shortly after I graduated from Drake University, my grandmother passed away. I played it off like an act of a merciful god who saw that she had suffered long enough; but that was the extent of my grief. It wasn't a big deal; I hadn't seen her in years; she was beyond the ability of modern medicine to recover to her full self; she passed. Why should I be effected by the passing of a grandmother who hadn't been an active person in my life? Why? She was my grandmother; there were years when she was a very active part of my life. There were visits, there were sleep overs, there were egg omelets in the morning, with cartoons. That's why. However, I pushed it out. I pushed away those thoughts. I pushed away the things that would make me vulnerable in the eyes of the world so that I could go on protecting those who were less fortunate than I. I could be there for those who needed a helping hand in the storms of life.
Where is my hand? Who is there to help me? Nobody--that's who.
Nobody knows to ask me for help. Nobody knows the storm that is boiling right beneath the surface of my stoic demeanor. Nobody knows because I don't let them. I am too busy protecting myself from the others that there is no time for them to be let in; there's no time for crying; there is no time for a helping hand; a listening ear; a caring word...
The question becomes, what does this have to do with the purpose of this blog? Well, I'm getting there. Backstory is very important to me; it is important for me to let you know what has lead up to the thoughts that are pertinent, plus sometimes just sharing the beginning of the story is enough. I never really know where this is going to end up, so I let the words fall where they may and hope in the end I can breath a little easier. I can sleep a little sounder. I can love my wife just a little better. That's where this is going. That's where I want this to go. So, here comes something...
I just finished reading a book called Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. As I was reading through the 200 pages, they were filled with stories of brokenness, darkness, dead ends, and renewal. People are able to overcome the hardships of life when they are presented with the unwavering gift of grace. Now, this isn't have to be some overly Christian concept that gets thrown around in church. Grace extends far beyond the confines of any particular religious sect. It is life-giving, it is power, it is love.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's OKAY, you ARE LOVED!
IT'S OKAY; YOU ARE LOVED!
That's grace. That's what I need. That's what you need. That's what we all need.
We need people to look us in our eyes and tell us that it is okay, and that we are loved. It doesn't have to be the gushy garbage that you see in rom-com movies, because that's not going to cut it. You come at me with anything less than sincere declarations of "It's okay, you are loved," you are bound to have a rude awakening. I don't do well with empty gestures of any kind. I need people who are willing to walk with me, and talk with me, and tell me that it's okay.
Page after page in the book is filled with the stories of people who needed just that. They needed gestures of grace that were meaningful and life giving--not empty and selfish. Often times I wonder if my "acts of service," mentality is just so I feel good about myself. I like to help others, but is it out of true grace and inspiration that I lend my hands to help, or is something more selfish? Do I look back at my day and say, "Good job man, you helped 4 people today. Let's do better next time!" I hope not. However, it is these sorts of thoughts that barrage my brain and my soul every time somebody reaches out with a word of grace for me. I see it as an empty gesture: they don't really mean it; they don't know me; they don't know what it's like; they don't know; they don't... they can't... they shouldn't... It's always the same. I never accept the grace that is given from others, which makes me wonder if I truly speak grace into the lives of others. Am I selfish? Am I truly caring? Am I truly life giving? Probably not!
We all have sinned and fallen short of of the glory that was intended for us, but what we do in the mean time means a lot!
Last night I begrudgingly went to a graduation banquet with my wife. You see, this is graduation weekend for a lot of institutions--my wife's being no different. So, here they celebrate by having all of the graduates get together and eat dinner and fellowship one more time before meeting up with their families for the ceremony. I didn't want to go, because following my break-down I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I have skulked around the house; ignored my wife; been angry; and have event lost a little joy in the changing of the seasons. It's been rough, needless to say, and I was not in the right mindset to be parading around with people I've only been exposed to 4 months ago: not my scene, not my thing, not my time... but the beginning of what I needed.
As soon as we walked in, one of my wife's friends--the patriarch one of the families on campus--engages us and asks me how I'm doing. I give a blase "it's alright," to which he clearly knew something was off, because he made a snarky comment about not having to deal with him for much longer (they're in the process of finding jobs as well). He saw I was off, and was trying to extend grace into my life--it's okay, you are loved! The night continued with my funk hanging over my head and there were more moments of extended grace that I didn't want to accept: one of the speakers thanked the spouses for the ongoing support that we have provided for the graduates; one of the graduates informed me that her husband didn't really know anybody from the class either; there was even a graduate spouse who had never been to campus until last night.
It's okay, you are loved!
Regardless of my station in life, people care about me. Regardless of how closed off I want to be, people always find a way to speak grace into my life. It's almost like magic, but not really. It's just one of those universal mysteries: sometimes we get it from a book, sometimes from a complete stranger. The god of the universe works through all things to ensure that we are looked after--in some fashion or another...
In closing, I am not the only one who is effected by the work of the spirit surrounding this rush to find a job. There are families, couples and individuals all over the place who are on the same path--some who have been here much longer than others. I'm not responsible for carrying the weight of this process on my shoulders; it is not my burden to bear; it is not my problem to solve. Yes, I will continue to strive to take on as much as I possibly bear, but I need to remember that there are others out there that I can call on to assist. We're not in this world alone, we are surrounded by people, and I have learned that, more often than not, people are willing to lend a helping hand if they're asked. The issue is that we don't know how to help, so we stand idly by while the world passes us by struggling with burdens that are too big for their shoulders.
It's okay, you are loved!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Things got real this past week. I had an emotional breakdown.
It was in front of my wife. It was directed at my wife. It was the opposite of what a man is supposed to be.
I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was outside of myself with emotion. I haven't recovered yet.
It takes time to heal wounds, but in order to heal most wounds it requires us to admit we have them. However, in order to admit that we were, at some point in our lives, weak means that we cannot fulfill our social duties of being a strong, upstanding male. As a male in this world it is my job to hold the world's problems on my shoulders and carry on like it doesn't bother me--that I don't feel the strain of the world. Luck for me, up until recently I was able to do so pretty well: I went through my days taking on the problems of the world, doling out advice, offering grace to those who have done wrong, offering shoulders to those who have felt wronged. In doing all of this, I have been able to actively ignore the internal pressure that was building; overlook the problems that I had yet to deal with. It's been a miraculous existence, let me tell you. There are a couple of people, a handful at the most, who know the ins and outs of most of my life, but that doesn't mean that those ins and outs and have been dealt with.
For instance, most of you probably don't know that shortly after I graduated from Drake University, my grandmother passed away. I played it off like an act of a merciful god who saw that she had suffered long enough; but that was the extent of my grief. It wasn't a big deal; I hadn't seen her in years; she was beyond the ability of modern medicine to recover to her full self; she passed. Why should I be effected by the passing of a grandmother who hadn't been an active person in my life? Why? She was my grandmother; there were years when she was a very active part of my life. There were visits, there were sleep overs, there were egg omelets in the morning, with cartoons. That's why. However, I pushed it out. I pushed away those thoughts. I pushed away the things that would make me vulnerable in the eyes of the world so that I could go on protecting those who were less fortunate than I. I could be there for those who needed a helping hand in the storms of life.
Where is my hand? Who is there to help me? Nobody--that's who.
Nobody knows to ask me for help. Nobody knows the storm that is boiling right beneath the surface of my stoic demeanor. Nobody knows because I don't let them. I am too busy protecting myself from the others that there is no time for them to be let in; there's no time for crying; there is no time for a helping hand; a listening ear; a caring word...
The question becomes, what does this have to do with the purpose of this blog? Well, I'm getting there. Backstory is very important to me; it is important for me to let you know what has lead up to the thoughts that are pertinent, plus sometimes just sharing the beginning of the story is enough. I never really know where this is going to end up, so I let the words fall where they may and hope in the end I can breath a little easier. I can sleep a little sounder. I can love my wife just a little better. That's where this is going. That's where I want this to go. So, here comes something...
I just finished reading a book called Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. As I was reading through the 200 pages, they were filled with stories of brokenness, darkness, dead ends, and renewal. People are able to overcome the hardships of life when they are presented with the unwavering gift of grace. Now, this isn't have to be some overly Christian concept that gets thrown around in church. Grace extends far beyond the confines of any particular religious sect. It is life-giving, it is power, it is love.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's OKAY, you ARE LOVED!
IT'S OKAY; YOU ARE LOVED!
That's grace. That's what I need. That's what you need. That's what we all need.
We need people to look us in our eyes and tell us that it is okay, and that we are loved. It doesn't have to be the gushy garbage that you see in rom-com movies, because that's not going to cut it. You come at me with anything less than sincere declarations of "It's okay, you are loved," you are bound to have a rude awakening. I don't do well with empty gestures of any kind. I need people who are willing to walk with me, and talk with me, and tell me that it's okay.
Page after page in the book is filled with the stories of people who needed just that. They needed gestures of grace that were meaningful and life giving--not empty and selfish. Often times I wonder if my "acts of service," mentality is just so I feel good about myself. I like to help others, but is it out of true grace and inspiration that I lend my hands to help, or is something more selfish? Do I look back at my day and say, "Good job man, you helped 4 people today. Let's do better next time!" I hope not. However, it is these sorts of thoughts that barrage my brain and my soul every time somebody reaches out with a word of grace for me. I see it as an empty gesture: they don't really mean it; they don't know me; they don't know what it's like; they don't know; they don't... they can't... they shouldn't... It's always the same. I never accept the grace that is given from others, which makes me wonder if I truly speak grace into the lives of others. Am I selfish? Am I truly caring? Am I truly life giving? Probably not!
We all have sinned and fallen short of of the glory that was intended for us, but what we do in the mean time means a lot!
Last night I begrudgingly went to a graduation banquet with my wife. You see, this is graduation weekend for a lot of institutions--my wife's being no different. So, here they celebrate by having all of the graduates get together and eat dinner and fellowship one more time before meeting up with their families for the ceremony. I didn't want to go, because following my break-down I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I have skulked around the house; ignored my wife; been angry; and have event lost a little joy in the changing of the seasons. It's been rough, needless to say, and I was not in the right mindset to be parading around with people I've only been exposed to 4 months ago: not my scene, not my thing, not my time... but the beginning of what I needed.
As soon as we walked in, one of my wife's friends--the patriarch one of the families on campus--engages us and asks me how I'm doing. I give a blase "it's alright," to which he clearly knew something was off, because he made a snarky comment about not having to deal with him for much longer (they're in the process of finding jobs as well). He saw I was off, and was trying to extend grace into my life--it's okay, you are loved! The night continued with my funk hanging over my head and there were more moments of extended grace that I didn't want to accept: one of the speakers thanked the spouses for the ongoing support that we have provided for the graduates; one of the graduates informed me that her husband didn't really know anybody from the class either; there was even a graduate spouse who had never been to campus until last night.
It's okay, you are loved!
Regardless of my station in life, people care about me. Regardless of how closed off I want to be, people always find a way to speak grace into my life. It's almost like magic, but not really. It's just one of those universal mysteries: sometimes we get it from a book, sometimes from a complete stranger. The god of the universe works through all things to ensure that we are looked after--in some fashion or another...
In closing, I am not the only one who is effected by the work of the spirit surrounding this rush to find a job. There are families, couples and individuals all over the place who are on the same path--some who have been here much longer than others. I'm not responsible for carrying the weight of this process on my shoulders; it is not my burden to bear; it is not my problem to solve. Yes, I will continue to strive to take on as much as I possibly bear, but I need to remember that there are others out there that I can call on to assist. We're not in this world alone, we are surrounded by people, and I have learned that, more often than not, people are willing to lend a helping hand if they're asked. The issue is that we don't know how to help, so we stand idly by while the world passes us by struggling with burdens that are too big for their shoulders.
It's okay, you are loved!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, May 1, 2016
No News is Neutral News; Some News is Bad News.
Welcome to the end of another week.
I wish there was good news.
I wish there was something new that I could share with you.
I wish a lot of things, however I was once told by a wise soul that you can "wish in one hand and crap in the other; then see which fills up quicker." That's where I find myself; throwing wishes into the universe while consistently digging through crap. It isn't fun, and it seems to be unending.
The question remains, where is our chance? Yes, I am speaking in first person plural (or whatever the tense is) because this is a team effort. Her getting a job effects my life just as much as hers. It is our life that we are working through. When we presented each other with vows, that we wrote independently, we agreed that we would stand by each other through thick and thin--it's us against the world in a sense. However, there are times when it feels like I have walked away from a life for nothing. I sacrificed a good paying job that wasn't completely horrible; a school district that I knew, and knew people in; I walked away from a city that is growing in areas that I want to be a part of; to join my wife in her struggle against the world.
Is is selfish to want something in return for the sacrifice? Is it wrong of me to want to return to the life that I once had? Is this is the place I am supposed to be?
I don't know.
The struggle is real. The stress is mounting. The time for a deity to intervene seems to be now.
Where is God? Where is the plan? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train making us run in the opposite direction? I want answers and all I get is lip service about how people are praying for us and there is a time and a place for us. This is all well and good when there are indicators of progress, but when we sit around and just dream of receiving a phone call with somebody saying, "We're putting your name to the congregation for a vote," it gets old. I'm going crazy waiting for this process to get it's job done, and yet I'm supposed to be happy for everybody else.
There are people around here who have been interviewed, voted on and are being ordained as pastors for their first calls. Here we are scrabbling to get any sort of idea when we might be given another chance to interview at another church. I have set-up interviews for part-time jobs in the meantime, as my substitute teacher days are numbered as the school year comes to a close. Where are we going to live when the housing contract runs out? What are we supposed to do if she doesn't have a job before all of this happens?
I don't know. I want to know. I want answers.
Everybody tells me that I just need to keep being loving and supportive. I am supposed to be the rock for my wife to rest on when things don't get figured out. However, who is supposed to support me? Who is supposed to be my rock? Who am I to fall back on when things don't get figured out and we're out of options? I have nobody by my wife, and we can't talk about anything except how we need to get everything figured out. It has begun to consume our life together and it is starting to disrupt our life together. What do I do? Who do I talk to? What are my options? This is kind of the place where I figured I would end up though, but not this soon. There are no supports for those of us on the outside of this process, and even those who are going through the process are given all sorts of lip service about how things are going to be okay, to pray, to keep holding onto the faith that got them this far.
It feels like bunk. It feels like they're just business people messing with people's lives. It feels like they will tell people anything they need to hear to subdue their fears, but never really do anything to alleviate those fears. It is like we are at the beck and call of people who supposedly have our best interest in mind, but what is really going on?
I don't know. I want answers.
However, today we got a call from a church pertaining to sending some paperwork about mileage, and that they finished up their interviews and should be making a decision shortly. We had interviewed at this church in the second spot on our itinerary. Following this interview, we had several long talks about the possibility of accepting a position at this church, to which we both thought it would not be such a good fit. However, at this point there is still hope that they would want her to be a pastor. The question becomes, what do we do? Is this is the door that we're supposed to walk through, even though we're unsure as to whether it would be ideal or not. We were told on several occasions that we should not settle; that we should wait for the "a god moment," to reveal itself. We didn't look into this church, the offices sent her name there because they thought it would be a good fit. Is that a god moment? Is that a door opening where we didn't expect it? However, there is still the fact that they don't want her either, which would make that an open and closed case then. So, the speculation continues. There is nothing I can do but sit and wait, which is the worst part. I hate waiting. I am a man of action and there isn't any going on.
I don't know. I need answers. We need answers.
I realize that this isn't really about what it means to be a pastor's husband, but this is very much a part of my journey to get there. Like I mentioned in previous posts, she has to become a pastor before I can officially be a husband of a pastor. We're all pulling for her, but I don't think everybody is pulling their weight around her. Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because my faith has been very miss, rather than hit? I have thought about checking out some local churches in order to get my worship on, but I haven't yet. I've been too busy worried about everything else. The lesson to be learned here is you have to take care of yourself. I have been subbing in the district, but haven't really found a way to rest, revitalize or re-energize myself. There is no way I can fully support and care for my wife if I haven't first taken care of myself. I need to figure myself out; I need help!
Here's hoping for some clarity in the very near future.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. Thoughts on a more in depth take on this project are in the making. Stay tuned.
I wish there was good news.
I wish there was something new that I could share with you.
I wish a lot of things, however I was once told by a wise soul that you can "wish in one hand and crap in the other; then see which fills up quicker." That's where I find myself; throwing wishes into the universe while consistently digging through crap. It isn't fun, and it seems to be unending.
The question remains, where is our chance? Yes, I am speaking in first person plural (or whatever the tense is) because this is a team effort. Her getting a job effects my life just as much as hers. It is our life that we are working through. When we presented each other with vows, that we wrote independently, we agreed that we would stand by each other through thick and thin--it's us against the world in a sense. However, there are times when it feels like I have walked away from a life for nothing. I sacrificed a good paying job that wasn't completely horrible; a school district that I knew, and knew people in; I walked away from a city that is growing in areas that I want to be a part of; to join my wife in her struggle against the world.
Is is selfish to want something in return for the sacrifice? Is it wrong of me to want to return to the life that I once had? Is this is the place I am supposed to be?
I don't know.
The struggle is real. The stress is mounting. The time for a deity to intervene seems to be now.
Where is God? Where is the plan? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train making us run in the opposite direction? I want answers and all I get is lip service about how people are praying for us and there is a time and a place for us. This is all well and good when there are indicators of progress, but when we sit around and just dream of receiving a phone call with somebody saying, "We're putting your name to the congregation for a vote," it gets old. I'm going crazy waiting for this process to get it's job done, and yet I'm supposed to be happy for everybody else.
There are people around here who have been interviewed, voted on and are being ordained as pastors for their first calls. Here we are scrabbling to get any sort of idea when we might be given another chance to interview at another church. I have set-up interviews for part-time jobs in the meantime, as my substitute teacher days are numbered as the school year comes to a close. Where are we going to live when the housing contract runs out? What are we supposed to do if she doesn't have a job before all of this happens?
I don't know. I want to know. I want answers.
Everybody tells me that I just need to keep being loving and supportive. I am supposed to be the rock for my wife to rest on when things don't get figured out. However, who is supposed to support me? Who is supposed to be my rock? Who am I to fall back on when things don't get figured out and we're out of options? I have nobody by my wife, and we can't talk about anything except how we need to get everything figured out. It has begun to consume our life together and it is starting to disrupt our life together. What do I do? Who do I talk to? What are my options? This is kind of the place where I figured I would end up though, but not this soon. There are no supports for those of us on the outside of this process, and even those who are going through the process are given all sorts of lip service about how things are going to be okay, to pray, to keep holding onto the faith that got them this far.
It feels like bunk. It feels like they're just business people messing with people's lives. It feels like they will tell people anything they need to hear to subdue their fears, but never really do anything to alleviate those fears. It is like we are at the beck and call of people who supposedly have our best interest in mind, but what is really going on?
I don't know. I want answers.
However, today we got a call from a church pertaining to sending some paperwork about mileage, and that they finished up their interviews and should be making a decision shortly. We had interviewed at this church in the second spot on our itinerary. Following this interview, we had several long talks about the possibility of accepting a position at this church, to which we both thought it would not be such a good fit. However, at this point there is still hope that they would want her to be a pastor. The question becomes, what do we do? Is this is the door that we're supposed to walk through, even though we're unsure as to whether it would be ideal or not. We were told on several occasions that we should not settle; that we should wait for the "a god moment," to reveal itself. We didn't look into this church, the offices sent her name there because they thought it would be a good fit. Is that a god moment? Is that a door opening where we didn't expect it? However, there is still the fact that they don't want her either, which would make that an open and closed case then. So, the speculation continues. There is nothing I can do but sit and wait, which is the worst part. I hate waiting. I am a man of action and there isn't any going on.
I don't know. I need answers. We need answers.
I realize that this isn't really about what it means to be a pastor's husband, but this is very much a part of my journey to get there. Like I mentioned in previous posts, she has to become a pastor before I can officially be a husband of a pastor. We're all pulling for her, but I don't think everybody is pulling their weight around her. Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because my faith has been very miss, rather than hit? I have thought about checking out some local churches in order to get my worship on, but I haven't yet. I've been too busy worried about everything else. The lesson to be learned here is you have to take care of yourself. I have been subbing in the district, but haven't really found a way to rest, revitalize or re-energize myself. There is no way I can fully support and care for my wife if I haven't first taken care of myself. I need to figure myself out; I need help!
Here's hoping for some clarity in the very near future.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. Thoughts on a more in depth take on this project are in the making. Stay tuned.
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