I'm not sure how substantial this will be, however my hope is that it is a bit more meaningful than last week's; even though I was going to make up for it by posting another one before it came time to officially post--didn't quite make it. Nonetheless, here goes something...
This week in review:
- We had our 4th interview for a pastoral position.
- We attended the first day of the Synod Assembly for our area
- We packed up most of our kitchen stuff
- We visited my parents
- We have discussed and set in motion plans for the next steps forward
- We watched Orange is the New Black Season 1
- Tried to watch Black Mass
- Currently watching Pan (a re-imagination of the Peter Pan story)
- Packed up some clothing that we won't be wearing in the near future
- Had a few arguments about unimportant things
- Read some books
So, really our lives are not that much different since we started on this journey. People move, people search for jobs, people have arguments, and people watch movies. It's all about maintaining a sense of normalcy as we progress through and toward the unknown. However, the problem remains that all we have is the unknown. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, to think about, or even live through it strains your relationship.
For instance, the arguments we had pertained to nothing remotely important (roads being blocked due to construction; and emotional distress turning into attacks). I'm not sure what was at the root of the dispute, but I fear that it is due to the stress that I have been unable to alleviate in the past week or so. It just keeps adding up, with no relief in sight. If anything, it only seems that the stress keeps building up, which means we are quickly racing toward another break down. Neither of us needs this, wants this, or really has time to deal with another outburst like we had a couple of weeks ago.
I mean working on the maintenance/custodial crew at the school has helped fill my time, but provided that there is plenty of hours in the day (at work or otherwise) for my mind to focus on the unknown that has become our life. As I walk around the halls of the school, my mind rehashes all of the scenarios that could get played out in the coming days; it reminds me constantly that we're still jobless and soon to be homeless; it disallows me to see the brighter side of what could be coming our way. It is like I am stuck in a dark hall with no doors and no light--I keep walking in the direction I think is forward, but I never seem to make progress. I just want things to be figured out, to be settled, to be finished for this part of the journey, so that we can start the next part.
It doesn't make it any easier when a good number of my wife's friends are receiving calls and transitioning into the next phase of life. Not all of them are so lucky as those, but it still feels like we are the only ones. In reality, there are at least 2 families here at the seminary who are in a similar position as us: waiting, wondering, worrying.
The unknown has gripped us and it's starting to overwhelm us.
We want answers.
We want to move on.
We want progress.
So, just to give you a little update on what we are looking at, because some of it is a little difficult to fathom, I will provide a little insight as to what could happen next.
For starters, we are waiting to hear back from the 4th interview. We traveled up north again on this past Monday. She was told that it could be between 1 and 2 weeks before we hear anything back, which has been about average. Naturally, there are two options for what the correspondence can tell us, "Yes, we want you," or "No, we don't want you." So far we have only received the latter, so our hopes are pretty low for this one as well--granted we want this one to work just so we can move forward with the rest of this stuff. However, our track record, like described, disallows me to allow my feet to leave the ground on this one. Nonetheless, if they do say, "Yes," then we will move forward: there is paper work to be filled out, ordination ceremonies to plan, a trip to Montana, and a move to a new house in a new city.
However, keeping my feet firmly on the ground disallows me to think of such positive things for very long. There is a glimmer of hope to be seen--the other 2 first call candidates have gotten jobs, which means my wife is the last one--but at the same time, our previous experience has shown us that things might not be as ripe with possibilities as the powers that be have made us think. It would seem that the barriers before us are a little harder to maneuver than originally thought, which is why we have developed a fairly firm back-up plan, which goes something like this:
If we hear a "No, we don't want you," then she is going to have a heartfelt, albeit difficult discussion with the office of the bishop for her synod. Through this conversation she is going to hopefully get some answers to some questions and seek the next steps in acquiring a position, potentially in a new area. However, this doesn't really effect me any. I'm not apart of that conversation, because if I was, there would probably be not very nice things said. I mean, there are all sorts of words, phrases and images that come to my mind as I think about all of the hoops we have jumped through for nothing so far. Empty promises, rings of fire, and very little support for either of us as we progress towards nothing.
Regardless of the conversation she has, we have to move out sooner or later. The seminary has told us that they are willing to work with us--allowing us to stay beyond the housing contract--however I would much rather not be a charity case for a system that has failed to deliver the goods that they promised. So, I have talked to my parents and they have decided to allow us to move in with them for a brief time while things get figured out. As for the rest of our stuff, it would be placed in a storage unit until the time we can rescue it and put it in it's final resting place--an abode of our own.
Now, please keep in mind that nothing has been officially set in motion yet.
We have started preparing for a move: packing up things that aren't being used, won't be used, and other such materials. We have made back-up arrangements with my parents--just in case we get bad news. However, there is no official word yet. We still have to wait to hear back from the church, and she still has to contact the office of the bishop, but we're preparing for the worst. There are plenty of jobs available across the nation, and yet she gets pulled down to a place that doesn't want her... It's crazy, and there is not enough time to get into it for this post. Maybe soon I will divulge my inner thoughts on this process--especially if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it does.
In conclusion, thank-you for reading. This may be a little vague, but I'm not sure how much I'm really supposed to be sharing. In order to stay on the better side of the system, I have left out some of the more real details of what is looming just beyond the horizon. We are hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and thankful that you're on this journey with us.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
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