Welcome to the end of another week.
I wish there was good news.
I wish there was something new that I could share with you.
I wish a lot of things, however I was once told by a wise soul that you can "wish in one hand and crap in the other; then see which fills up quicker." That's where I find myself; throwing wishes into the universe while consistently digging through crap. It isn't fun, and it seems to be unending.
The question remains, where is our chance? Yes, I am speaking in first person plural (or whatever the tense is) because this is a team effort. Her getting a job effects my life just as much as hers. It is our life that we are working through. When we presented each other with vows, that we wrote independently, we agreed that we would stand by each other through thick and thin--it's us against the world in a sense. However, there are times when it feels like I have walked away from a life for nothing. I sacrificed a good paying job that wasn't completely horrible; a school district that I knew, and knew people in; I walked away from a city that is growing in areas that I want to be a part of; to join my wife in her struggle against the world.
Is is selfish to want something in return for the sacrifice? Is it wrong of me to want to return to the life that I once had? Is this is the place I am supposed to be?
I don't know.
The struggle is real. The stress is mounting. The time for a deity to intervene seems to be now.
Where is God? Where is the plan? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train making us run in the opposite direction? I want answers and all I get is lip service about how people are praying for us and there is a time and a place for us. This is all well and good when there are indicators of progress, but when we sit around and just dream of receiving a phone call with somebody saying, "We're putting your name to the congregation for a vote," it gets old. I'm going crazy waiting for this process to get it's job done, and yet I'm supposed to be happy for everybody else.
There are people around here who have been interviewed, voted on and are being ordained as pastors for their first calls. Here we are scrabbling to get any sort of idea when we might be given another chance to interview at another church. I have set-up interviews for part-time jobs in the meantime, as my substitute teacher days are numbered as the school year comes to a close. Where are we going to live when the housing contract runs out? What are we supposed to do if she doesn't have a job before all of this happens?
I don't know. I want to know. I want answers.
Everybody tells me that I just need to keep being loving and supportive. I am supposed to be the rock for my wife to rest on when things don't get figured out. However, who is supposed to support me? Who is supposed to be my rock? Who am I to fall back on when things don't get figured out and we're out of options? I have nobody by my wife, and we can't talk about anything except how we need to get everything figured out. It has begun to consume our life together and it is starting to disrupt our life together. What do I do? Who do I talk to? What are my options? This is kind of the place where I figured I would end up though, but not this soon. There are no supports for those of us on the outside of this process, and even those who are going through the process are given all sorts of lip service about how things are going to be okay, to pray, to keep holding onto the faith that got them this far.
It feels like bunk. It feels like they're just business people messing with people's lives. It feels like they will tell people anything they need to hear to subdue their fears, but never really do anything to alleviate those fears. It is like we are at the beck and call of people who supposedly have our best interest in mind, but what is really going on?
I don't know. I want answers.
However, today we got a call from a church pertaining to sending some paperwork about mileage, and that they finished up their interviews and should be making a decision shortly. We had interviewed at this church in the second spot on our itinerary. Following this interview, we had several long talks about the possibility of accepting a position at this church, to which we both thought it would not be such a good fit. However, at this point there is still hope that they would want her to be a pastor. The question becomes, what do we do? Is this is the door that we're supposed to walk through, even though we're unsure as to whether it would be ideal or not. We were told on several occasions that we should not settle; that we should wait for the "a god moment," to reveal itself. We didn't look into this church, the offices sent her name there because they thought it would be a good fit. Is that a god moment? Is that a door opening where we didn't expect it? However, there is still the fact that they don't want her either, which would make that an open and closed case then. So, the speculation continues. There is nothing I can do but sit and wait, which is the worst part. I hate waiting. I am a man of action and there isn't any going on.
I don't know. I need answers. We need answers.
I realize that this isn't really about what it means to be a pastor's husband, but this is very much a part of my journey to get there. Like I mentioned in previous posts, she has to become a pastor before I can officially be a husband of a pastor. We're all pulling for her, but I don't think everybody is pulling their weight around her. Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because my faith has been very miss, rather than hit? I have thought about checking out some local churches in order to get my worship on, but I haven't yet. I've been too busy worried about everything else. The lesson to be learned here is you have to take care of yourself. I have been subbing in the district, but haven't really found a way to rest, revitalize or re-energize myself. There is no way I can fully support and care for my wife if I haven't first taken care of myself. I need to figure myself out; I need help!
Here's hoping for some clarity in the very near future.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. Thoughts on a more in depth take on this project are in the making. Stay tuned.
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