First, an update.
We got word from the fourth interview site and were denied a position there as well. We aren't sure why yet, but they are supposed to be sending a letter, which will hopefully outline their reasoning--our guess is they want somebody with "more experience." With this rejection we have decided that it is time to start moving toward seeking calls in other places; we don't feel as if where we have been assigned is the best fit for us, so we have talked to the people in charge in order to get that process going. In that conversation we were told that it could take some time; that there were still more opportunities coming up the pipeline; and that there were pastoral candidates that liked the way the synod conducted their interviewing process (more on that later... maybe).
So, where does all of this leave us? Well, let me paint that picture for you briefly. We're still without a job (both of us); we're falling back on our back-up plan and working toward moving in with my parents for an interim period; and we continue our hoping and praying that the system will start working for us in the VERY near future. We have a lot of support from friends and family, basically telling us to keep our heads up and that it will work itself out--eventually. However, it's the eventually that is really unsettling. We have student loans to paid, we have vocations to live out, we have adventures to partake in, and a lot of it is wrapped up in being able to sustain our lives together, which generally speaking requires money. Money comes from jobs, and we don't have them.
Nonetheless, I am not here to tell you about how sad and weepy I am. Instead, I did a lot of thinking as I drove 3 hours to work a shift at my old digs yesterday. There was a time of reflection on the things that were said at the synod assembly that we attended, as well as my attitude and outlook on the whole process we have been going through so far. Needless to say I feel as if things need to change on an internal level.
I need to be more positive.
I need to focus on the service to be provided.
I need to remember that it's about more than me.
I need to rejoice in the privilege of being on this adventure.
I need to re-evaluate my position in the world.
Last night I shared some of these thoughts with my wife and she was in agreement, that neither of us have really been that positive or focused in the right areas of our journey together. It isn't something easily pinpointed, nor easily remedied. Simply because we are individuals, and as such there are interests, passions and wants that we each hold dear. Now, I could take the time and go through each of the line items above, but that would take a lot of time and I'm not sure it would be all that worth reading. So, here are some highlights from my intensive reflection session.
At the synod assembly, the bishop presented the message for the opening worship session, which could be the subject of a completely different rant. However, the message was about the ability to make a difference through the enactment of positive thoughts, thinking and insights. He had a volunteer stand on the stage with him, and asked him to think about various ideas/events and he proceeded to push his arm down. Now, this was a young man, probably an athlete of some sort, and you would think that he could keep his arm from being pushed down regardless. However, when the bishop told him to think more negative or more selfish things his arm dropped; as opposed to when he was thinking positive/selfless things his arm remained outstretched when pushed.
The experiment continued through a few different trials, but one that I thought was pretty interesting was when he called on 5 other volunteers to join the first on stage with him and the first one. They stood in a line and the bishop assigned one person to think negative thoughts about the first volunteer--it was a single-blind experiment--and the result was the same, his arm dropped when pushed on it.
Now, there is something to be said about social expectations, group psychology, social psychology, and what not, but this isn't one of those types of blogs. I'm interested in all of that stuff, but we'll save it for another time. For now, we'll get back to the meat and potatoes.
Back to the 3-hour drive...
Looking back over the journey my wife and I have been on since we collaborated on the initial assignment paperwork, there has been an air of selfishness surrounding us. We bickered over regions to preference: she wanted to go home, I wanted to stay home, I don't want to go to her home, she doesn't want to be in mine, etc. Then, when we get assigned to the region, she's crushed because she wanted to go home; I'm elated because I get to stay home, however I don't really like the northern part of the state, so it wasn't as great as it could have been (still okay though). Then, we start interviewing, and I don't really want to go; we lose hope after the first rejection; we try to brainstorm what we could do differently, how to be better; we were focusing on the ways the interviewers got it wrong and how the system wasn't on our side.
The common thread that I found was internal; the focus was on me, my wife, and our life together. It dawned on me that people have been pointing me in the opposite direction for some time. They have pushed me to look outside of myself to the possibilities for service, relationship and love that abound in the places that we get to go, people we get to meet, and between us.
When the interviews started not producing the expected results we started to get down on ourselves, and one of the first people to chime in was my friend Ryan. He told me to tell my wife that as much as the interviews are about getting a job, it's also an opportunity for her to share the gospel with new people. As her discerned vocation is that of a pastor, she is called to share the good news with people and guide them with love to God.
Power of the word.
It is really easy for me to allow the focus to be moved from me to my wife in these situations too, because it is her interview, it's her call, it's her vocation. However, I have one too. This is were I find the most difficulty; it's very easy to allow my wife's vocation overshadow mine, which I think at this point is one of the real struggles that I'm going to be facing as we progress through this process. I have put my life, my goals, and my dreams on hold (sort of) in order to support her on her quest to rule the world for her god.
I have a vocation too.
I have dreams too.
I have a calling to serve people too.
I have a life to live.
My vocation is not a pastor, but I have been called (or whatever) to serve a population of people that is vastly under-supported and losing ground daily. Elementary school teachers are gems that should be cherished, and I have become one of them. I am a certified/licensed elementary school teacher with a reading endorsement. I really enjoy working with kindergarten through 3rd/4th grade students. I guest taught all over the city were we currently live. I did it; I love it; I want to do it forever. However, this has been lost in this process--it's about finding my wife a job; it's about figuring out where she is going to be a pastor, but I've never stopped to think about whether I could live my call out in this places either.
I know this is turning it back towards myself, but it's about so much more than me. It's bigger than me and my wife. It's about the communities that we can serve in, the good we can do, and the places where we are NEEDED!
It's good to be wanted, but it's another thing entirely to be needed. The church needs leaders and the schools need teachers. However, my wife, last night, told me that this whole thing is a lot like marriage: you don't necessarily jump into a marriage without it being a good fit--we haven't found that right fit yet. It isn't anything about us personally, it's just hasn't been the right relationship potential, or something like that. Naturally, I had some retorts to this that extended our conversation for 20 minutes, but it all holds true regardless.
There has to be a willingness to on both sides of the table.
A willingness to take a risk, to be challenged, to challenge others, to work hard together for the glory of god and the community. Without this willingness nothing can come of the relationship.
The question becomes, are we willing to take the necessary risks? I think so. We are stepping out on faith, assuming that there is a right fit for us; and that we will find it. However, I think we also need to keep in mind to keep grounded in the big picture--it isn't about where we end up, it's about who we get to serve when we get there!
To love and serve others.
The call of a pastor.
The call of a teacher.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
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