I apologize for being late with this post--even later than the last time I was late, however unlike last time, there is no making up for it by posting more later. It didn't happen last time, so I will not get anybody's hopes up this time just to be let down. Nonetheless, here it is, and the hope as always is that it resonates with somebody at some time. [Better late than never!]
Instead of updating you, I'm just going to get right too it, because the jumping into things is a part of the processing that I have been doing lately. Not sure what I mean? Well, hopefully it will be illuminated shortly--and if not, ask me for more information and I will gladly converse with each and every one of you.
I have begun to realize that being a pastor's husband is, both, not as hard as I originally thought and a lot harder than I had originally thought. There are several reasons for this, but the one I would like to focus on is the world if inter-pastoral communication.
In order to truly understand this phenomena I will provide you with a few different scenarios and then attempt to make heads/tails out of what is going on. Here comes something...
So, as you know my wife has been at seminary for the past 4 years (on campus for 3 years, as she was elsewhere for a year of internship). As such she has become a part of a pretty tight group of people who have journeyed together to become pastors. Yes, some of her classmates have spouses, but they too are mostly working/called to participate in an organized ministerial position of some sort. Needless to say, they have a lot in common, have developed a common language, and overall have their own way of communicating. Then, there's me.
I wasn't a part of their community until January of this year. They had heard stories about me--good and bad--but until I moved up here to get married I was more of a myth than I was a person in their community. However, the feeling I get is that I'm still just that--a myth rather than an active member of the community. Now, don't get me wrong, I know their names, I say hi to these people, I have entertained most of their children, but I feel like I'm still just an outsider in their neighborhood. Even though it's gotten better now that most of them have moved off to their jobs--which makes the number of people far less than when I got here.
This is not a cry for help.
This is not a "woe is me" blog.
This is is going somewhere, so just hold on a second.
There is something to be said about earning the trust and respect of people in a community. There is something to be said about proving oneself worthy of trust and respect of a community. There is something to be said about giving people a chance to prove yourself and earn that trust and respect as well. Talk is cheap and pastor's are really good at talking a cheap game--or so I've begun to piece together, which is really where I want to go with you tonight.
Regardless of who is talking to my wife and I, if they are within the order of pastoral people they only thing they talk about is her call process; how her job search is going; how her interviews were; what the people in the office are doing to help; and they commiserate with her about the struggle to get a first call.
I'm standing there too.
I've been to every interview too.
I am waiting to get a job too.
She is not alone in her struggle.
The most recent incident was really shocking--to a degree--because we were talking to a pastor who I had worked with for over a year. I was her connection to the church we were visiting. I was the reason we were at this church. I was the one who had a history there. The conversation? About her struggle in the class process. I have a history with the pastor, and it would have been nice to be a part of the conversation too, however I get it. Her struggle is real, and it seems like I'm just along for the ride, however this is not true in the slightest.
The end result is pretty standard though. In an attempt to be a part of the conversation I chime in with my "2 cents" on the situation: offering information garnered from in the interview process, thoughts that my wife and I had shared, and just reflections on everything. Does it go anywhere? Not really. It seems like they pretend to listen, and then continue directing all inquiries to her as if she is the only one authorized to participate in call process conversations.
I'm not ignorant to the process, because I've asked a lot of questions. I have been to the interviews. I sat through the pre-call process meetings at the school. I have been to individual meetings with my wife and people at the school. I met with the bishops of the synod with my wife. I have been there for almost every step of the journey: we had skype chats about what to put down on paperwork, we had long talks about possible regions and rationales; we were in this battle together and now I get left out because I'm not going to be a pastor in their system? That doesn't make any sense.
Don't get me wrong. I know that I'm going personally going through this process, but you can still talk to me about it. I still have thoughts and opinions about it. My struggle is real too, but it gets overlooked because I'm not the one who is personally responsible for filling out the paper work; my name is not attached to the church; and I'm not looking to be a pastor in the more traditional sense of the word--in a church. It doesn't make any sense.
It would seem to me that pastoral care, as understood by me (which is pretty limited) is a skill set that is only activated in the proper context. You are supposed to treat people with respect, listen to them and otherwise act as if they are human only if they are a part of your congregation or church community? That doesn't make any sense either.
Nothing about this makes any sense to me.
Now, it could just me over analyzing the situation, but it has extended beyond conversations about the call process that my wife is going through as well.
What? There's more?
Yes, there/s more.
On occasion I come up with some pretty heavy theological questions. It's a side effect of studying religion and writing papers about all kinds of interesting topics. Then, even more rarely I venture out of my bubble and really want to talk about some of the questions that have popped into my head--this is really rare, and has happened only a couple of times. I thought, that a seminary where people are working on becoming pastors would be a place where people would be willing to help a person out and at least entertain the possibility of conversation.
However, this is not the case. It is almost like they can't be bothered with theological discourse because they're still at school learning things. What is that all about? Again, this is not a very common occurrence in my life, but it has happened, both with my wife and others. It's like they can only be bothered with questions from people who don't have any understanding of the system--since I know what I'm talking about most of the time, they don't have time to help with my with questions. It's really disheartening to think that these people are the future leaders of the church, and there are people out there, like me, who want to understand things on a deeper level.
Will they have time then?
Will they take the time to help out a seeker of knowledge later in their career?
If then, why not now?
It doesn't make sense!
I realize that this will probably come across as kind of harsh and pointed, however it was only supposed to kind of be that. I'm not apologizing for how I feel, because that gets us nowhere really quickly. This blog was meant to be an authentic look at what it takes to be a pastor's husband, and I feel as if this is the first real dose of reality that I have been able to bring to you. Before this it has mostly been about the class process, interviews, and relating to my wife in the midst of this new struggle. However, it dawned on me that I have a life too; I am waiting for my opportunity to live out my call; I have goals, aspirations and interests outside of the church; and I'm a person too.
I easily forget that I'm not just along for the ride as it seems to be the message being received by other people in this community. I'm not sure how to change that message, or attempt at correcting the way it is received by others. However, it is my goal to do just that. In talking to my wife over the past days: reflecting on our trip, conversing about some of the ideas presented here, and all sorts of other random things; she remind me of just that. As much as this project is about the transition into life as a pastor's husband (what it means, what it's like, and all that stuff), it is also a way to chronicle my life as a whole picture: my goals, my aspirations, my thoughts, my dreams, and even my nightmares.
All of these pieces are just as important as the fact that my wife is working on becoming a pastor. There is more to me than the becoming a "pastor's husband," and I want to share that with the world. However, like experienced so far, I have to find the right audience, because apparently future pastor's aren't really into helping out seekers and fringe pastoral types. However, the problem is I'm not sure how to connect it all together: my hopes and dreams with being a pastor's husband. I don't want this to turn into a meaningless romp through my life, because that's no fun and doesn't do the world of pastoral spouses any good. So, there's that too!
In the end...
I'm still dreaming.
I'm still scheming.
I'm still trying to figure all of this out.
Thank-you for coming along with me on this journey. Seriously though, if you have any thoughts, comments, questions or concerns let me know! I'm always looking for a good conversation, or new friends. So, reach out: leave a comment here, find me on facebook, or whatever. It doesn't really matter, but know that I care that you're out there!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
No comments:
Post a Comment