Welcome back to another installment of whatever may come out of my mind onto your screen. I swear I always walk into the office on Sunday evenings with something burning to come out, waiting to be shared that is meaningful and purposeful. However, by the time I get situated, get the music playing and start banging on the keyboard things get jumbled and lost. For this I kind of apologize, but not really. It is what it is, and free association is always an interesting path to walk. So, shall we continue our journey together?
If you're reading this, then you have decided to see where this post takes us. For this I thank-you. I'll try to make it meaningful in some way... no promises!
Today was the day that my wife got installed as the pastor of her congregation. Yes, I know she's been there for over a month now--always two--but in order to be installed an ordained member of the synod staff must be present and do the "Rite of Installation." That was today.
I'm not going to lie, it was pretty awkward on several levels. The first being that she was being congratulated today during the post-church brunch, when she has been their pastor for two months now. It was really like saying, "Thanks for not quitting on us yet. We'll try to be better!" I could be merely projecting my sense of insecurity onto the people of her congregation, but it is what it is. Secondly, my parents came up to be a part of the ceremony, and by that I mean watch. My wife didn't even tell her mom that it was happening today, but I invited my family to come be a part of it as a sign of good faith and support. Here's where it gets weird for me... my family, specifically my mom and dad.
A little bit about my parents. They're not church-goers. I'm not sure where they stand on matters of faith. We've never talked about it, but they've supported me on my journey toward whatever may come. So, it's a little weird sitting next to them in church when I'm not a participant in the service. I think my mom has only seen me be a part of a service once, and that was YEARS ago when I was given an opportunity to present a sermon of sorts on a Wednesday night at my first church. I can't remember what it was about, the scripture involved, but I remember my mom giving me a ride and sitting through the service with me. That's about as deep as we've ever gotten. I know my brother doesn't go to church, but he allows his children to go.
It's an odd bunch I come from. We have our stances and hold them quietly to ourselves for the most part. When pushed we might stake a claim on one thing or another. However, it doesn't extend far beyond that. We are quiet supporters of many groups of people and causes. Then, I strive to make public proclamations of faith and it gets weird. I am on a path of intentional discernment and I can't talk to my parents about it.
What will they think?
What will they say?
What will they do?
What?
My mom is on Facebook nowadays though. She probably sees when I share the posts of the week, and she might even read them. I'm not sure, because she hasn't really said anything. She has liked posts, and made a few comments, but not about the recent content of this blog so she is still quietly holding her stance on issues of faith and work. I'm still trying to find a job, but I'm still trying to figure out what sort of job that might be... silently I keep treading my path toward something, but it gets weird when you don't tell your parents what you're thinking or going through.
My parents and I have never been the touchy-feely type, you could say. There have only been a handful of times when I have really reached out and talked to them about things, and generally not during the best of times. It's strange, really. Some people talk to their parents about almost everything, and we stand quietly by and support each other the best we can.
This, then, reminded me of a poem that I wrote a while ago, and I would like to share it with you now, it's called "My Father's Son" and it goes like this:
My Father's Son
I look back at my life and wonder, “What do my parents think
of what I have accomplished?”
When my dad's friends ask about his sons, does he stand up
proud and proclaim his oldest is working on changing the world, while his
youngest is a thriving family man?
I hope so!
I hope when my mom's co-workers ask about me she stands up
confidently and tells them about all the adventures I share with the kids at
work; and how well my brother is doing in raising his own. Does she tell our
story with a smile, with joy in her heart at the ability to call us her sons?
I hope so!
I want my parents to be able to look back at my life
and be able to say, “That's my boy!” I
want to be my father's son! I want to be my mother's little boy, but sometimes,
things like this remain unknown. Do they say it, do they proclaim these things?
I hope so!
However, I know for certain that my parents don't fully
comprehend what it is I am doing with my life. My path through unconventional
relationships; studying things that don't produce jobs; and thinking about
walking away from a well paying full time job just don't add up in their minds,
but I'm still their son! My dad might not be able to explain fully what it is
I'm doing, and my mom might not be that interested in my struggles to save the
world, but they know I'm their boy and they got my back no matter what!
***
Yes.
Maybe.
We'll see.
What do you think?
During this time of intentional discernment a lot of things have crossed my mind, and most of it has nothing to do with being a pastor's husband. Except, everything I do is as a pastor's husband. If I become a pastor myself, I will still remain a pastor's husband. Until the day, if it ever comes, that my wife steps down as a pastor--which isn't likely. Therefore, I have no reason to feel a particular way about the content of this blog. I will not always have a direct connection to the work that my wife is doing at her church, however everything that happens in my life will be from the position of pastor's husband.
In other news, though, we are taking our first complete trip as a married couple. We are planning a trip to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This will be the first flight we have taken together, and the first long distance trip we have taken round trip together. So far I have flown out to meet her various places and we have traveled back together. So that's kind of exciting. The trip is a multi-faceted endeavor: there is a seminary out there that has potential for being the next stop on my educational journey, and there is all kinds of historical places that pique the interest of my wife. It will be good to go visit places that are designed to help people like me figure out what's possible and what's plausible for life.
Additionally, I have set-up an initial meeting with a spiritual director to ascertain whether or not there is hope for me yet. He is going to be asking me a lot of questions about faith and imagery and life, and my fear is that I will get defensive and not answer the questions truthfully--from the depths of my spirit person. If I can't be honest to a complete stranger, how can I ever speak the truth to a room full of them for a living? That just won't fly in the face of a future congregation.
These are just some of the additional steps that I have been taking in the past week or two. I am honestly trying to actively participate in this time of discernment and figure out what I am being pulled towards. I don't feel as if I am a voluntary participant in this ride, and so I choose to use the word "pulled," because I have walked away from this type of thinking for a long time now, and here I am being forced to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself... "What are you doing?
There are still a few more things that I have on my plate that I have always walked away from, or around, for a long time now. They are not easy. I dread even thinking about them. However, as a part of my process there are things that need to be done, wounds that need to be healed, and bridged that need to be rebuilt. Hopefully next week I will be able to share about these experiences. They were on my list for yesterday, but I conveniently let time get away from me--again.
So, with all of that being said, I think I will call it an evening. Like always, if you need anything let me know. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, E-mail, or if you know my number give me a call or a text. I'm here for you just like you're here for me. I will post my Facebook and Twitter information below for easy access. I hope this finds you well.
Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband
P.S. Here are my social media handles:
Facebook: @gbullministries
Twitter: @GBullRevolution
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