Reaching Out For Love // Jumble in the Rumble

Happy Sunday everybody!

It's that time again. Time for reflection, time for thoughts, and time for anything else that might come flowing out of my finger tips this evening.

Here's some personal updates:

• I started a potential long-term substitute job.
• I missed church for the first time in 3 weeks.
• We have started paying bills and figuring out financials like real adults.

I really don't know that there has been a lot else going on in terms of being an adult, however there have been a lot of things going on in terms of religion and faith formation. I think I might have touched on it briefly the other day with my faith journey recap and such.

My wife and I have entered into a few serious conversations about what the next phase of my life might look like. Now, there is no return to school in my near future, but I really feel as if I need help figuring out a direction. So, through our conversations she has brought up the idea of talking to a spiritual director--somebody who specializes in teasing out the connections between the finite and infinite. I really feel lost in life right now, and there isn't really anything that my wife can do for/with me. She can talk to me about things over and over again; she can support me in whatever I decide to do; she can love and adore me for being crazy, but beyond that she can't really support me because she's as tied up in my lack of direction as I am. It effects both of us, and so we may need outside help decipher what I'm doing and going through. Together we have looked at resources and I feel as if it might be time to reach out to somebody, if only to see what they have to say.

It makes me a little nervous, reaching out for help on things such as faith formation--or any other type of help for that matter. I've always been a go-it-alone type fella, who is always willing to help, without the need to be repaid.

I help others.
I lend a helping hand.
I give.
I don't ask for things in return (but gladly accept food donations).

It really scares me not having a solid direction for my life, but there comes a time in everybody's life where they have to step out in faith and figure things out. Now may be that time for me... It's just really hard, and I'm really scared. There have been times in the past few weeks where I have really begun questioning things in life, and it doesn't seem like there are any easy answers to be found and it could effect my relationship with my wife.

I don't know how it could come between us, because like I said before she supports me in whatever I decide to do with my life--she's got my back--but at the same time if I am off my game, struggling with life she feels it too. This, then, goes back to the being helpful without asking for things in return--I don't want to be a burden either. My problems are my problems, even though we are a team, I don't feel like it is fair to lay my indecision to act out my faith; my inability to figure out life; on her shoulders. She is dealing with her own issues: new church, new job; new challenges and all of the struggles that we have collectively--without this too.

When she reads this, she'll tell me otherwise, but it's how I feel nonetheless. So, what do I do?

There are people I need to talk to.
There are e-mails I can send.
There are places to visit.
There are plenty of things to do.

The question is really, when do I start? I need to take the first step and reach out. Somebody has a good word for me and that somebody might be you. Then, it might not be you. Nobody really knows until the time passes and we see each other in the mirror.

I realize that this is really disjointed and all over the place, but I haven't been feeling well and now is no different. Hopefully in the coming days I will find my groove and get things cooking again. I am taking small steps in the discernment process as well, which is something. In the coming weeks, I will be posting a weekly devotion based on the gospel reading for the week. I already started, this past Thursday I posed a devotional based on the story of the mustard seed. It may not be very powerful, but it was done nonetheless. So, please, keep your eyes open for two posts a week from now on. A weekly devotion and a reflection on my journey in the land of being a pastor's husband. There may be more meaningful updates coming, but I really don't know. We're on this journey together, so we'll see what happens.

Thanks for reading. Please share. Please comment. Please reach out however you want. I'm here for you, and hopefully you'll be there for me as well. Sometimes we just need to reach out for somebody, and this might be that time for me... will be the one with the kind word? the word of encouragement? I don't know, and chances are neither are you.

Be present.
Be loving.
Be willing.
Be there.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband