Moving in a New Direction // Top 3 Candidtates

Happy Reformation Day to all of you Lutheran's out there!

For those of you caught unaware, today is, like the 500th anniversary of the day that Martin Luther nailed the 95 thesis on the door of the castle; this then began the reformation of the church that caused a lot of problems in his day. Lucky for us though, he was successful and set in motion a lot of things that allowed my wife's church to exist.

I, however, chose to make fun of her and her worship of Martin Luther as a deity on par with Jesus. She wasn't appreciative of this, but it happened nonetheless. I thought it was great fun, and will continue to do so for as long as we both shall live--probably! It just pains me to hear that one person gets so much credit for something that took a plethora of people to make happen, and he is only one reformer who happened to operate in Germany; What about the Swiss? What about the English? What about the Eastern countries? They all went through theological upheaval about the same time... nonetheless, the reformation is much bigger than Martin Luther and I just wanted that on the record--just in case!

In other news, this was quite the eventful week: a lot of work, a lot of thinking, a meeting with a spiritual director, read the readings at church, starting planning a vacation/visit to Philadelphia, and am trying to make a conscious effort to evaluate and modify my ways of thinking/approaching life. Now this last part was really a result of my meeting with the spiritual director and thinking about things on my own. However, I feel as if there is a lot of work to be done in terms of this. Once you step back and take a look at how your thoughts and feelings influence your actions, it can be quite surprising. For instance, here is a little anecdote about what I'm talking about:

Over the course of my conversation with the director, I offered up that instead of proclaiming any sort of love for people I shy away. Instead of proclaiming an active belief in God, I shy away. I build walls around my psyche, heart and beliefs that is full of theological discourse and academic know-how. I defend my heart, mind and soul by discussing the meaning of words, ideas and refute the passion that others hold true to their hearts. Instead of allowing myself to connect to people in a spiritual/real way I will keep them at a distance by asking heady questions about the nature of the Bible's authorship, or some other academic pursuit. I live in a castle whose walls are constructed of philosophical edicts, theological jargon, and enough biblical scholarship to bring it all together. In fact, just this morning I was reading some passages from a book that a friend suggested to me. He's a great friend and it's a great book, but it occurred to me that it is the exact type of material that I always look for; an academic understanding of the Bible and what its historical context. Granted, I haven't gotten to the part where the understanding presented in the book allows for ongoing, and personal revelation, but this is when I stop reading for meaning and finish the book just because.

I was faced with the question that went something like this: What are you going to say to the person in the hospital who is dying? How are you going to feel? Are you going to spout off some theological treatise about death and dying? What do they need to hear in that moment?

To be honest, this is the heart of pastoral care and ministry. Being able to walk with people where they find you, in their moments of need they are looking to you--the Pastor--to provide some comforting word, to be a steady presence in their life, to be a real person to connect with... not a bible scholar who knows who actually wrote the last letters attributed to Paul (not saying I do). This is where I truly struggle in terms of the ministry. I can write words, I can say words, but can I truly open up and be vulnerable in order to truly connect with people? This remains to be seen.

I need to love.
I need to be loved.
I need to see love.
I need to open up!

So, I feel that my new direction needs to be focused on the inter-relatedness of people with the divine. Instead of focusing on what the Bible means, I need to focus on what does the Bible mean TO me, TO others, TO the church, TO the world. It has to be personal, otherwise what's the point? I have a lot of books that present a lot of theological treatise, without a lot of personal investment, which I feel is harder than it sounds to put down on paper. When it comes to matters of the divine, there are so many thoughts, schemes, and damage that can be done if we say, do or invest in the wrong things. Yes, it's a personal matter, but when that personal matter becomes public knowledge, that's where I get scared. I hesitate to stake any claim about the divine because I don't want to be that open with people. I'd rather be invested in all people, rather than (in my head) be isolated from those who would be perceived as wrong.

Yes, this is hogwash.
Yes, you can believe in God and still love all people.
Yes, you can.
Yes.

I know this intellectually, which is my problem.

It's all mind.
It's all body.
It's no heart.
It's no soul.

I need my heart and soul to speak louder than my mind and body. I need to listen to them more, and maybe I would stop running from the calling perceived in my life. People have affirmed the gifts I have presented for the ministry; I have support from friends and (probably) family; People see the potential in me, but I don't see it in myself. I deny the gifts that have provided me all of the opportunities that I have seized in life so far. Well, now is the time to change that... I hope. I want to start focusing on the personal relationship that I have with God: what does that look like? What is it I feel? What does it mean? I don't know yet, but I'm going to start moving in a different direction and it is my hope that you'll help me out. I have come up with a list of a few things that you can do for me, and it goes something like this:

1. Tell me your story! What does God mean to you? What does your relationship with God look/feel like?
2. Point me in the direction of other personal stories: memoirs, testimonies, church plant ministries, anything that is more personal and less discourse.
3. Pray for me. I am a big fan of intercessory prayer, and I strongly believe in the power of community prayer.
4. Pray with me. Get a hold of me and make me pray with you about whatever it is you feel led to pray about! My prayer life is severely misaligned and dying, so you could be that spark.
5. Be my friend. Just love and support me as I transition through this period of discernment and discovery. We may walk through the darkness, but we're not alone, because we all have friends who stand beside us... will you be that friend for me?

 So, with all of that being said, I will quickly move on to the second half of this post, which will be much shorter, I promise!

***

I have begun the seminary search and discovery process, and this is my top three list as of right now:

1. Chicago Theological Seminary; Chicago, Illinois
2. Iliff Theological Seminary; Denver, Colorado
3. The Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

My wife and I have already started making plans to visit Philadelphia to see what they have to offer, but no decisions have been made, nor are we close to making any decisions. This is just one of the many parts of my discernment process. Some of the other schools that are being considered for exploration are: Lutheran Theological Seminary at Gettysburg (Gettysburg, PA), Luther Seminary (St. Paul, MN), Wartburg Theological Seminary (Dubuque, IA), Trinity Lutheran Seminary (Columbus, OH), and Fuller Seminary (Pasadena, CA). This is a long list, and each school has something unique to offer and will make exploration and decision making very difficult. However, I have no doubt that visiting these places, consulting my wife, and praying and meditating on the path I am traversing will illuminate the right course of action. So, please, pray for me, talk to me, reach out to me, let's be friends!

Like always, if you need anything let me know and I will do my best to support you and care for you. I'm good at caring for people, as long as you don't expect me to need your help later. So, maybe ask to help me. Challenge me to accept your help with a project or something. I don't know... this relational piece of ministry is going to be my stumbling block, and if you can't relate to people how can you do ministry? You can't! I want to, so let's get relating. Let's get vulnerable. Let's get real.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband

P.S. Make sure to check out the Thursday Devotions.... some of them are more powerful than others, but it might make a difference in your day, week, year or life! No guarantees, but I do my best!

P.S.S. Find me on Facebook (@gbullministries) or Twitter (@GBullRevolution) if you need anything, and I mean anything!

Thursday Devotion: Luke 19:1-10

Skirting the edges of society we typically find the dregs, the bottom dwellers, the "scum of the earth," which comparatively speaking is us when we talk about Jesus. Like when Jesus was going to the river Jordan to be baptized by John, John proclaims that he is unworthy to untie the laces of Jesus' sandals. We're talking John the Baptist sees himself as beyond the clutches of Jesus, so who are we to even gaze upon him from a high tree? We're not.

We are unworthy of the gift of grace that was bestowed upon us through the death and resurrection of Jesus, but it is finished. It was done. It has been poured out upon us so that we might live and live freely to love one another. To provide sustenance to those who hunger and thirst; support to those who have loved and lost; a helping hand to those who stumble and fall. We are called to do all of these things, but we are also empowered to do them because God calls us by name. God calls out to us from the wilderness, from the mountain tops and from the eyes of our neighbors.

Here we have the story of a bottom dweller being called, by name, to come out of the tree and be host to Jesus. God calls us by name to enter into relationship with him, so that we may better serve others. Here the power of the presence of Jesus is so powerful that the bottom dweller commits half of his wealth to those who need it, promises to pay back 4x what he has swindled, and gets to eat a meal with Jesus--all while being the talk of the town.

He was a sinner.

Jesus called to him.

Jesus ate with him.

Jesus gave him an out.

We often find ourselves up in a tree trying to merely glimpse the power of God. We are searching high and low for the power to sustain our lives so we can continue to pour into others, but God is with us always and God is always calling us by name...

Come down from that tree, we have work to do.
Come down from that tree, we have love to spread.
Come down from that tree, we have food to prepare.
Come down from that tree, I am calling you by name, and I love you.

Amen.

Luke 19:1-10 New International Version

19 Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. ² A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. ³ He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. ⁴ So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

⁵ When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” ⁶ So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.
⁷ All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.”
⁸ But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”
⁹ Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. ¹⁰ For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

Walking the Line // Reaching the End

Happy Sunday!

Welcome back to another installment of whatever may come out of my mind onto your screen. I swear I always walk into the office on Sunday evenings with something burning to come out, waiting to be shared that is meaningful and purposeful. However, by the time I get situated, get the music playing and start banging on the keyboard things get jumbled and lost. For this I kind of apologize, but not really. It is what it is, and free association is always an interesting path to walk. So, shall we continue our journey together?

If you're reading this, then you have decided to see where this post takes us. For this I thank-you. I'll try to make it meaningful in some way... no promises!

Today was the day that my wife got installed as the pastor of her congregation. Yes, I know she's been there for over a month now--always two--but in order to be installed an ordained member of the synod staff must be present and do the "Rite of Installation." That was today.

I'm not going to lie, it was pretty awkward on several levels. The first being that she was being congratulated today during the post-church brunch, when she has been their pastor for two months now. It was really like saying, "Thanks for not quitting on us yet. We'll try to be better!" I could be merely projecting my sense of insecurity onto the people of her congregation, but it is what it is. Secondly, my parents came up to be a part of the ceremony, and by that I mean watch. My wife didn't even tell her mom that it was happening today, but I invited my family to come be a part of it as a sign of good faith and support. Here's where it gets weird for me... my family, specifically my mom and dad.

A little bit about my parents. They're not church-goers. I'm not sure where they stand on matters of faith. We've never talked about it, but they've supported me on my journey toward whatever may come. So, it's a little weird sitting next to them in church when I'm not a participant in the service. I think my mom has only seen me be a part of a service once, and that was YEARS ago when I was given an opportunity to present a sermon of sorts on a Wednesday night at my first church. I can't remember what it was about, the scripture involved, but I remember my mom giving me a ride and sitting through the service with me. That's about as deep as we've ever gotten. I know my brother doesn't go to church, but he allows his children to go.

It's an odd bunch I come from. We have our stances and hold them quietly to ourselves for the most part. When pushed we might stake a claim on one thing or another. However, it doesn't extend far beyond that. We are quiet supporters of many groups of people and causes. Then, I strive to make public proclamations of faith and it gets weird. I am on a path of intentional discernment and I can't talk to my parents about it.

What will they think?
What will they say?
What will they do?
What?

My mom is on Facebook nowadays though. She probably sees when I share the posts of the week, and she might even read them. I'm not sure, because she hasn't really said anything. She has liked posts, and made a few comments, but not about the recent content of this blog so she is still quietly holding her stance on issues of faith and work. I'm still trying to find a job, but I'm still trying to figure out what sort of job that might be... silently I keep treading my path toward something, but it gets weird when you don't tell your parents what you're thinking or going through.

My parents and I have never been the touchy-feely type, you could say. There have only been a handful of times when I have really reached out and talked to them about things, and generally not during the best of times. It's strange, really. Some people talk to their parents about almost everything, and we stand quietly by and support each other the best we can.

This, then, reminded me of a poem that I wrote a while ago, and I would like to share it with you now, it's called "My Father's Son" and it goes like this:

My Father's Son

I look back at my life and wonder, “What do my parents think of what I have accomplished?”

When my dad's friends ask about his sons, does he stand up proud and proclaim his oldest is working on changing the world, while his youngest is a thriving family man?

I hope so!

I hope when my mom's co-workers ask about me she stands up confidently and tells them about all the adventures I share with the kids at work; and how well my brother is doing in raising his own. Does she tell our story with a smile, with joy in her heart at the ability to call us her sons?

I hope so!

I want my parents to be able to look back at my life and  be able to say, “That's my boy!” I want to be my father's son! I want to be my mother's little boy, but sometimes, things like this remain unknown. Do they say it, do they proclaim these things?

I hope so!

However, I know for certain that my parents don't fully comprehend what it is I am doing with my life. My path through unconventional relationships; studying things that don't produce jobs; and thinking about walking away from a well paying full time job just don't add up in their minds, but I'm still their son! My dad might not be able to explain fully what it is I'm doing, and my mom might not be that interested in my struggles to save the world, but they know I'm their boy and they got my back no matter what!

***

Yes.

Maybe.

We'll see.

What do you think?

During this time of intentional discernment a lot of things have crossed my mind, and most of it has nothing to do with being a pastor's husband. Except, everything I do is as a pastor's husband. If I become a pastor myself, I will still remain a pastor's husband. Until the day, if it ever comes, that my wife steps down as a pastor--which isn't likely. Therefore, I have no reason to feel a particular way about the content of this blog. I will not always have a direct connection to the work that my wife is doing at her church, however everything that happens in my life will be from the position of pastor's husband.

In other news, though, we are taking our first complete trip as a married couple. We are planning a trip to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This will be the first flight we have taken together, and the first long distance trip we have taken round trip together. So far I have flown out to meet her various places and we have traveled back together. So that's kind of exciting. The trip is a multi-faceted endeavor: there is a seminary out there that has potential for being the next stop on my educational journey, and there is all kinds of historical places that pique the interest of my wife. It will be good to go visit places that are designed to help people like me figure out what's possible and what's plausible for life.

Additionally, I have set-up an initial meeting with a spiritual director to ascertain whether or not there is hope for me yet. He is going to be asking me a lot of questions about faith and imagery and life, and my fear is that I will get defensive and not answer the questions truthfully--from the depths of my spirit person. If I can't be honest to a complete stranger, how can I ever speak the truth to a room full of them for a living? That just won't fly in the face of a future congregation.

These are just some of the additional steps that I have been taking in the past week or two. I am honestly trying to actively participate in this time of discernment and figure out what I am being pulled towards. I don't feel as if I am a voluntary participant in this ride, and so I choose to use the word "pulled," because I have walked away from this type of thinking for a long time now, and here I am being forced to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself... "What are you doing?

There are still a few more things that I have on my plate that I have always walked away from, or around, for a long time now. They are not easy. I dread even thinking about them. However, as a part of my process there are things that need to be done, wounds that need to be healed, and bridged that need to be rebuilt. Hopefully next week I will be able to share about these experiences. They were on my list for yesterday, but I conveniently let time get away from me--again.

So, with all of that being said, I think I will call it an evening. Like always, if you need anything let me know. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, E-mail, or if you know my number give me a call or a text. I'm here for you just like you're here for me. I will post my Facebook and Twitter information below for easy access. I hope this finds you well.

Sincerely,

A Pastor's Husband

P.S. Here are my social media handles:

     Facebook: @gbullministries

     Twitter: @GBullRevolution

Thursday Devotion: Luke 18:9-14

You cannot see the light without darkness.

You cannot experience life without death.

You cannot witness the grace of God if you are on high.

To be made whole, to be exalted in the eyes of God, we must first be made low. We have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death before we can truly appreciate the comfort that comes from the rod and staff in the hand of the shepherd.

Just like the tax collector in this parable, we have to humbly come before God and proclaim that we are unworthy of the gifts bestowed upon us--we are sinners. Then, we will be given new life; raised from the darkness; provided a means to a new end.

For some of us this is much easier said than done. We keep measures of how much we have accomplished in our life. We weigh gifts and giving against those of our neighbors. Like the Pharisee we keep a track record of how great we are in comparison to those around us.

We're bullies.

We reduce others to the value of their sins so that we may perceive ourselves as elevated to new heights in the eyes of God: I'm not an adulterer, but he is; I'm not a thief, but she is; I don't covet, but they do. Look how great I am compared to those people over there.

We have all been judged unworthy of the eternal gifts of God. Nothing we do will redeem us from the gifts that we truly deserve, but then there's God.

Through the darkness of our lives there is a light shining in the far distance. Can you see it?

Over the horizon rises a new day where we are made whole again. Can you feel it?

We don't deserve new life, but we are provided with this gift through Jesus.

Humble yourself, so that you may be exalted before the king.

Luke 18:9-14 New International Version (NIV)

⁹ To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: ¹⁰ “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹ The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹² I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
¹³ “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
¹⁴ “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Bring Them In // Push Them Out

Welcome to Mid-October.

The leaves are turning colors and falling off the trees. The temperature doesn't know if it wants to remain summer or transition to fall. Life right now is all about transitions. We are moving toward the dreaded holiday season, the long winter, the cold weather. You name it there are all kinds of reasons to dislike the change of seasons, but I hear some people enjoy the dampening of seasonal allergies, which are really brutal during the spring and summer. So, if you're one of those people, congrats tis the season of transition. However, there is also the dreaded flu virus that always seems to be on peoples' minds--better get that flu shot... but what happened to Zika? Is that still a thing? I don't know. Anyways, I just thought I would do some free write to introduce this piece, because it's been a while and you never quite know what might come out when you let your fingers glide over the keys and push them according to their will.

Hello there, again. Sorry about that weird introduction, but it is kind of poignant to what's been happening lately--transitions. We are always moving in our lives, either from place to place in our car, walking around the house, or be it life events that take us from path to path of existence, or non-existence as the case may be. We are always changing, growing, becoming something else.

I am no different. I have started taking seriously the need to discern the calling that God has on my life. No thanks to my wife, might I add. If you will recall from a few posts ago, I blame her for stirring up my longing to be more intentional in the type of ministry that I am doing in the world. It isn't really her fault, but watching her and listening do ministry has started that stirring--so really it's her fault!

Nonetheless, as a part of this process I have reached out to some people to get more involved with the churches around here and whatnot. I have started doing weekly reflections/devotions based on the gospel reading for the week. I have even started requesting information and conversations with seminary representatives. It's real this time folks, or at least it's getting real.

I want to belong.
I want to minister to people.
I want to talk to people about faith matters.
I want to be a leader of people.

It's very hard for me to make such claims, especially when there are so many models that present ways to go about doing these things. Some churches are planting machines, meaning they bring people in, train them, and push them out to create new churches with the discipleship model. Some churches are humongous and worship over 1,000 people a weekend. Some are barely hanging on for the life of the congregation. So, where do I fit? Where would I belong? Where could I lead the people of a community. That has been on my mind a lot in the past few days.

My wife just completed her program, and went through the process. Since we are so close to the school that she went to, it would be easy enough for me to go to the same school. However, I'm not her. We don't do things the same way, and I don't want to feel like I am following in her footsteps. Especially since I have been having this same conversation with myself for the past 10 years or more. I am not on the same path she is, even though we may end up being colleagues in ministry some day--even more so than we are now.

I also don't really want to deal with the politics of joining her church system and having to go through their hoop jumping procedure. However, at the same time having a network of built-in support makes things a little easier in terms of finding and securing jobs as well as having support systems at the ready. I have been around for church plantings, and it is a lot of work and they don't always work out. Now, I'm not saying that I am afraid of hard work, the DIY mentality is strong within me, but I do fear failure and like to belong to "clubs" as much as I seem stand-offish and mean (some of you know what I'm talking about). So, really there are more questions now that there have been in the past, mostly because I'm in a different position than I was before.

I'm married.
I have adult bills to pay.
I am pressured to think about the idea of having children one day.
I'm not getting any younger.
I haven't really started my career as a teacher--shouldn't I do that first?
My wife is in her first call, which generally lasts 3-5 years.
I cannot relocate to a school for a residential program, yet.
I don't like the idea of learning how to be a pastor, or church leader of any sort, via an online program.

So, you see, there are a lot of things that need to be figured out in this time of discernment. It doesn't help that my wife tells me that she'll support me in whatever it is I decide needs to happen--except probably up and relocate to a new city in the next year. It's like there are too many options and not even time to explore them all. That's why I have begun to feel stuck and scared. It's almost like there are too many doors and they all lead to the right place, it's just impossible to pick one. I will find success in whatever it is that I figure out, I just feel paralyzed in picking a direction.

Time will tell, and hopefully you'll be along for the ride. If not, that's okay too.

Bring them in.
Push them out.
Bring them in.
Push them out.

Weird, right? There's a story there, but that's for a different blog!

I was going to talk about other things, but again, when you let your fingers dance on the keyboard you can never really be sure what might come out. So, there you have it. Another glimpse into the life of the Pastor's Husband. Please, take care and let me know if there is anything I can do for you!

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband  

Thursday Devotion: Luke 18:1-8

In today's world we are in a constant battle for something: peace, love, justice, friendship, money. You name it, we can find plenty of reasons to complain that we do not have enough to quench our insatiable hunger or thirst for the things of this world. However, what about those whose thirst and hunger are never quenched? What about those who have never experienced love, abundance, or friendship? They battle harder, longer and more fervently and yet they gain nothing.

The hungry remain hungry.
The thirsty remain thirsty.
The poor remain poor.
The dead remain dead.

Who are we, then, to say what is the right course of action for those who battle? We are doing them no favors when we cast unfair judgements upon the heads of those we do not know. Jesus would have us love our neighbors, doing the little things for the least of them.

In this week's text we see a judge who gets fed up with the complaining of a woman--she wants justice. She doesn't quit. She doesn't give up. She shouts constantly. Instead of seeing God as an unfair judge, let us see God as the advocate for those who need us the most. Standing with them in the trenches of their daily wars. That's where you find God, and the power of the resurrection.

Amen.

Luke 18:1-8 New International Version (NIV)

18 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. ² He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. ³ And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

⁴ “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, ⁵ yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
⁶ And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. ⁷ And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? ⁸ I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

My Story, Your Story // The Power Switch

Hello all.

It's that day of the week again.

I realize that over the past couple of posts I have just kind of rambled on about things, and it doesn't really seem to fit with the project. I'm not really sorry for that, because as much as I would like this to be meaningful to all of you, it's more for me than anything else. However, I push you not to read that this project is about me, it's FOR me. I draw a very distinct difference between the two, which was really just a random thought that just occurred to me. So, let's explore that for a minute.

If I were to say that this project is about me, it become an isolated incident. It becomes self-centered and can be easily disregarded by all of you. It would imply that any glory that comes from my putting words on this screen is for me alone. It's mine. Look at how great I am compared to all of the other people doing the same thing. This is not what it this is about.

Instead, I said that this is for me. It is a tool for me to explore, examine. It is a part of a process that allows me to hone my skills as a writer but also allows me to communicate a little better with the people who mean something to me. My self-image isn't very high as it is, and yet to think that there is any glory coming to me from this process is ludicrous. There are a lot of things going on throughout any given day, and writing about the week allows me to clear my head and refocus my energy into the things that need to be taken care of. It's for me, not about me.

If it's for me, who can be against me? If it's for me, is it for you too? Absolutely. I was raised in a spiritual community where you are always pointing towards something bigger, something other, something outside. Regardless of the shady operations and theology that I was raised among, it was always about the other. I do this for me, but I do this for you too. The intent of the project may not always be realized, but overall it is about the spiritual direction, formation and evolution of a man who has married a pastor. That's what it's about: spiritual direction, spiritual formation and spiritual evolution. There is no telling where this story is going to end, so we might as well just buckle up and see where the ride takes us.

The journey.

The means.

The way.

The end(s).

The question then becomes, what are we doing here? To be honest, I don't know. I'm just glad there seems to be a small following for these posts. There was an anomaly one week, where there were 99 views, but I'll take what I can get each and every week. My goal is to get into a rhythm, to find things that can be strung together each week so that it isn't just a lot of random posts about things that happen to be on my mind. However, I always start out a writing project with a clear destination in mind, and I always fall short a few steps into the process--except once.

There have been two writing projects that I successfully completed in a way that was mirrored by initial intent. So, needless to say my track record sucks. I am surprised that I have been as regular as I have thus far, so maybe the tides are turning in my favor. It isn't likely and I probably just jinxed myself on that one, so we shall see. Once again, I thank all of you who continue to read these things and my hope is that it is meaningful to you on some level.

 ***

Action steps are also important in keeping things moving toward the end(s). A lot of our issue the current age is that we see where we want to end up, but have no idea how to get there. We get lost in the process of planning, evaluating and implementing. This has been the story of most of my spiritual life. I have alluded to a lot of different areas of interest and work that I have done in the past, but lately I've been feeling really aloof as to where I am supposed to be going, what I'm supposed to be doing.

I've only missed one Sunday since my wife has taken the pulpit at her church. I've been writing this blog for a while now. However, I've started to wonder what comes next, what more should I be doing? There haven't been any revelations, no real conversations, no real work done. However, I want to. I want to be taking an active role in discerning what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I want to be leading a meaningful existence again, because I've been feeling really lost over the last couple of weeks.

Aloof.

Floating.

Drifting.

Lost.

That's me. That's how I operate. A constant state of disconnect and dissatisfaction. However, I want that to stop. It's time for me to settle into a groove that will lead to my full potential. My full potential... but where? How? When? Whom? Why?

I had a supervisor once that accused me of being scared, of running away from a call toward ministry. Were they right? Did I run? Am I being pulled back into that world? Can you ever truly run away? Have I just been on a 5 year detour? I have no idea, but what's where this journey is talking me right now. Here are some of the action steps to be taken, have been taken, have been considered:

1. Request information from seminaries about programs, again. (Done.)
2. Seek out a spiritual director in order to gain insight and resources. (In progress)
3. Find a small group ministry to become a part of. Men or otherwise.
4. Assist my wife in creating and cultivating a young adult ministry at her church.
5. Reading a lot, and finding spiritual connections in them randomly.
6. Writing a weekly devotion based on the gospel reading.

For now, those are the things on my mind and things that I've been trying to take an active part in. I realize that it isn't much, but just writing these things down for you to see allows me a little bit of accountability. Somebody saw it, somebody will see it, and maybe somebody will check in with me on it. I would love to hear from whomever reads these words, and I realize that I haven't really provided any contact information for that to be an easy avenue. So, at the bottom of this you will find a few ways to reach out to me. One is better than the other, but I can be wherever you are in order to help out and be a part of the community that I long for.

One last thing. In 2 weeks, on October 23, 2016, my wife and I will have been married for 9 months, which is WAY closer to a year than not a year. I think it is safe to say that this past 8 months and 2 weeks have been some of the most trying times of our lives, both individually and collectively. I just want to giver her some mad props for putting up with me and all of the crazy that has been our live together. It's never an easy thing to deal with me, let alone when you choose to, voluntarily, hang out forever with me. Much love to my wife!

Just had to say that, now for the closing.

I love you all. I wish the best for each and every one of you. I want to support you in your endeavors. Let me know how I can do that, please! I don't tweet, but I have a twitter account. I'm on Facebook all the time. I'm sure one of those avenues is available to you. So, reach out. Here is my information for both of these platforms, but feel free to comment on this post too, and I will comment back and we can exchange ideas there as well! Don't be shy, you can't really get bitten over the internet!

Facebook: @gbullministries
Twitter: @GBullRevolution

Search it. Follow it. Like it. Share it. Comment it. Tweet it. Love it.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband 

Thursday Devotion: Luke 17:11-19

What do you we focus on?

What is the important part?

Where do we look for answers?

All of these questions and more are poignant when dealing with this week's text.

Just like in life we have to pick and choose were our eyes focus in order to make sense of all that is happening around us at any given moment. There are future plans, past mistakes, current transgressions--always there, always seeking our attention.

In the parable of the 10 lepers we have similar grabs for our attention: we have Jesus walking, lepers calling for healing, a faith healing, priests, and a Samaritan praising Jesus for healing him. However, what's the important piece? Where are we supposed to look? What is God trying to tell us? Where is the good news?

At first glance I was struck with the idea that sometimes we just have to get out of the way. We have to step aside and let the power of God do its work in our life. The leper was healed by his faith, he got out of the way and let the power of Jesus be enough. He didn't need the outside opinion of the priests to confirm the miracle that was the healing power of Jesus. His faith was enough, and it was probably the size of a mustard seed.

So, what's the important part? Where are we supposed to look?

Everything.

Everywhere.

God is always working. God is everywhere. God doesn't need us, but we need God.

In order for the power to work, sometimes we just have to get out of the way.

Let it be so!

Luke 17:11-19 (NIV)

¹¹ Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. ¹² As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy^[a] met him. They stood at a distance ¹³ and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”
¹⁴ When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.
¹⁵ One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. ¹⁶ He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
¹⁷ Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? ¹⁸ Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” ¹⁹ Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”

Reaching Out For Love // Jumble in the Rumble

Happy Sunday everybody!

It's that time again. Time for reflection, time for thoughts, and time for anything else that might come flowing out of my finger tips this evening.

Here's some personal updates:

• I started a potential long-term substitute job.
• I missed church for the first time in 3 weeks.
• We have started paying bills and figuring out financials like real adults.

I really don't know that there has been a lot else going on in terms of being an adult, however there have been a lot of things going on in terms of religion and faith formation. I think I might have touched on it briefly the other day with my faith journey recap and such.

My wife and I have entered into a few serious conversations about what the next phase of my life might look like. Now, there is no return to school in my near future, but I really feel as if I need help figuring out a direction. So, through our conversations she has brought up the idea of talking to a spiritual director--somebody who specializes in teasing out the connections between the finite and infinite. I really feel lost in life right now, and there isn't really anything that my wife can do for/with me. She can talk to me about things over and over again; she can support me in whatever I decide to do; she can love and adore me for being crazy, but beyond that she can't really support me because she's as tied up in my lack of direction as I am. It effects both of us, and so we may need outside help decipher what I'm doing and going through. Together we have looked at resources and I feel as if it might be time to reach out to somebody, if only to see what they have to say.

It makes me a little nervous, reaching out for help on things such as faith formation--or any other type of help for that matter. I've always been a go-it-alone type fella, who is always willing to help, without the need to be repaid.

I help others.
I lend a helping hand.
I give.
I don't ask for things in return (but gladly accept food donations).

It really scares me not having a solid direction for my life, but there comes a time in everybody's life where they have to step out in faith and figure things out. Now may be that time for me... It's just really hard, and I'm really scared. There have been times in the past few weeks where I have really begun questioning things in life, and it doesn't seem like there are any easy answers to be found and it could effect my relationship with my wife.

I don't know how it could come between us, because like I said before she supports me in whatever I decide to do with my life--she's got my back--but at the same time if I am off my game, struggling with life she feels it too. This, then, goes back to the being helpful without asking for things in return--I don't want to be a burden either. My problems are my problems, even though we are a team, I don't feel like it is fair to lay my indecision to act out my faith; my inability to figure out life; on her shoulders. She is dealing with her own issues: new church, new job; new challenges and all of the struggles that we have collectively--without this too.

When she reads this, she'll tell me otherwise, but it's how I feel nonetheless. So, what do I do?

There are people I need to talk to.
There are e-mails I can send.
There are places to visit.
There are plenty of things to do.

The question is really, when do I start? I need to take the first step and reach out. Somebody has a good word for me and that somebody might be you. Then, it might not be you. Nobody really knows until the time passes and we see each other in the mirror.

I realize that this is really disjointed and all over the place, but I haven't been feeling well and now is no different. Hopefully in the coming days I will find my groove and get things cooking again. I am taking small steps in the discernment process as well, which is something. In the coming weeks, I will be posting a weekly devotion based on the gospel reading for the week. I already started, this past Thursday I posed a devotional based on the story of the mustard seed. It may not be very powerful, but it was done nonetheless. So, please, keep your eyes open for two posts a week from now on. A weekly devotion and a reflection on my journey in the land of being a pastor's husband. There may be more meaningful updates coming, but I really don't know. We're on this journey together, so we'll see what happens.

Thanks for reading. Please share. Please comment. Please reach out however you want. I'm here for you, and hopefully you'll be there for me as well. Sometimes we just need to reach out for somebody, and this might be that time for me... will be the one with the kind word? the word of encouragement? I don't know, and chances are neither are you.

Be present.
Be loving.
Be willing.
Be there.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband