I apologize for being late with this post--even later than the last time I was late, however unlike last time, there is no making up for it by posting more later. It didn't happen last time, so I will not get anybody's hopes up this time just to be let down. Nonetheless, here it is, and the hope as always is that it resonates with somebody at some time. [Better late than never!]
Instead of updating you, I'm just going to get right too it, because the jumping into things is a part of the processing that I have been doing lately. Not sure what I mean? Well, hopefully it will be illuminated shortly--and if not, ask me for more information and I will gladly converse with each and every one of you.
I have begun to realize that being a pastor's husband is, both, not as hard as I originally thought and a lot harder than I had originally thought. There are several reasons for this, but the one I would like to focus on is the world if inter-pastoral communication.
In order to truly understand this phenomena I will provide you with a few different scenarios and then attempt to make heads/tails out of what is going on. Here comes something...
So, as you know my wife has been at seminary for the past 4 years (on campus for 3 years, as she was elsewhere for a year of internship). As such she has become a part of a pretty tight group of people who have journeyed together to become pastors. Yes, some of her classmates have spouses, but they too are mostly working/called to participate in an organized ministerial position of some sort. Needless to say, they have a lot in common, have developed a common language, and overall have their own way of communicating. Then, there's me.
I wasn't a part of their community until January of this year. They had heard stories about me--good and bad--but until I moved up here to get married I was more of a myth than I was a person in their community. However, the feeling I get is that I'm still just that--a myth rather than an active member of the community. Now, don't get me wrong, I know their names, I say hi to these people, I have entertained most of their children, but I feel like I'm still just an outsider in their neighborhood. Even though it's gotten better now that most of them have moved off to their jobs--which makes the number of people far less than when I got here.
This is not a cry for help.
This is not a "woe is me" blog.
This is is going somewhere, so just hold on a second.
There is something to be said about earning the trust and respect of people in a community. There is something to be said about proving oneself worthy of trust and respect of a community. There is something to be said about giving people a chance to prove yourself and earn that trust and respect as well. Talk is cheap and pastor's are really good at talking a cheap game--or so I've begun to piece together, which is really where I want to go with you tonight.
Regardless of who is talking to my wife and I, if they are within the order of pastoral people they only thing they talk about is her call process; how her job search is going; how her interviews were; what the people in the office are doing to help; and they commiserate with her about the struggle to get a first call.
I'm standing there too.
I've been to every interview too.
I am waiting to get a job too.
She is not alone in her struggle.
The most recent incident was really shocking--to a degree--because we were talking to a pastor who I had worked with for over a year. I was her connection to the church we were visiting. I was the reason we were at this church. I was the one who had a history there. The conversation? About her struggle in the class process. I have a history with the pastor, and it would have been nice to be a part of the conversation too, however I get it. Her struggle is real, and it seems like I'm just along for the ride, however this is not true in the slightest.
The end result is pretty standard though. In an attempt to be a part of the conversation I chime in with my "2 cents" on the situation: offering information garnered from in the interview process, thoughts that my wife and I had shared, and just reflections on everything. Does it go anywhere? Not really. It seems like they pretend to listen, and then continue directing all inquiries to her as if she is the only one authorized to participate in call process conversations.
I'm not ignorant to the process, because I've asked a lot of questions. I have been to the interviews. I sat through the pre-call process meetings at the school. I have been to individual meetings with my wife and people at the school. I met with the bishops of the synod with my wife. I have been there for almost every step of the journey: we had skype chats about what to put down on paperwork, we had long talks about possible regions and rationales; we were in this battle together and now I get left out because I'm not going to be a pastor in their system? That doesn't make any sense.
Don't get me wrong. I know that I'm going personally going through this process, but you can still talk to me about it. I still have thoughts and opinions about it. My struggle is real too, but it gets overlooked because I'm not the one who is personally responsible for filling out the paper work; my name is not attached to the church; and I'm not looking to be a pastor in the more traditional sense of the word--in a church. It doesn't make any sense.
It would seem to me that pastoral care, as understood by me (which is pretty limited) is a skill set that is only activated in the proper context. You are supposed to treat people with respect, listen to them and otherwise act as if they are human only if they are a part of your congregation or church community? That doesn't make any sense either.
Nothing about this makes any sense to me.
Now, it could just me over analyzing the situation, but it has extended beyond conversations about the call process that my wife is going through as well.
What? There's more?
Yes, there/s more.
On occasion I come up with some pretty heavy theological questions. It's a side effect of studying religion and writing papers about all kinds of interesting topics. Then, even more rarely I venture out of my bubble and really want to talk about some of the questions that have popped into my head--this is really rare, and has happened only a couple of times. I thought, that a seminary where people are working on becoming pastors would be a place where people would be willing to help a person out and at least entertain the possibility of conversation.
However, this is not the case. It is almost like they can't be bothered with theological discourse because they're still at school learning things. What is that all about? Again, this is not a very common occurrence in my life, but it has happened, both with my wife and others. It's like they can only be bothered with questions from people who don't have any understanding of the system--since I know what I'm talking about most of the time, they don't have time to help with my with questions. It's really disheartening to think that these people are the future leaders of the church, and there are people out there, like me, who want to understand things on a deeper level.
Will they have time then?
Will they take the time to help out a seeker of knowledge later in their career?
If then, why not now?
It doesn't make sense!
I realize that this will probably come across as kind of harsh and pointed, however it was only supposed to kind of be that. I'm not apologizing for how I feel, because that gets us nowhere really quickly. This blog was meant to be an authentic look at what it takes to be a pastor's husband, and I feel as if this is the first real dose of reality that I have been able to bring to you. Before this it has mostly been about the class process, interviews, and relating to my wife in the midst of this new struggle. However, it dawned on me that I have a life too; I am waiting for my opportunity to live out my call; I have goals, aspirations and interests outside of the church; and I'm a person too.
I easily forget that I'm not just along for the ride as it seems to be the message being received by other people in this community. I'm not sure how to change that message, or attempt at correcting the way it is received by others. However, it is my goal to do just that. In talking to my wife over the past days: reflecting on our trip, conversing about some of the ideas presented here, and all sorts of other random things; she remind me of just that. As much as this project is about the transition into life as a pastor's husband (what it means, what it's like, and all that stuff), it is also a way to chronicle my life as a whole picture: my goals, my aspirations, my thoughts, my dreams, and even my nightmares.
All of these pieces are just as important as the fact that my wife is working on becoming a pastor. There is more to me than the becoming a "pastor's husband," and I want to share that with the world. However, like experienced so far, I have to find the right audience, because apparently future pastor's aren't really into helping out seekers and fringe pastoral types. However, the problem is I'm not sure how to connect it all together: my hopes and dreams with being a pastor's husband. I don't want this to turn into a meaningless romp through my life, because that's no fun and doesn't do the world of pastoral spouses any good. So, there's that too!
In the end...
I'm still dreaming.
I'm still scheming.
I'm still trying to figure all of this out.
Thank-you for coming along with me on this journey. Seriously though, if you have any thoughts, comments, questions or concerns let me know! I'm always looking for a good conversation, or new friends. So, reach out: leave a comment here, find me on facebook, or whatever. It doesn't really matter, but know that I care that you're out there!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Acts of Service // Acts of Selfishness
First, an update.
We got word from the fourth interview site and were denied a position there as well. We aren't sure why yet, but they are supposed to be sending a letter, which will hopefully outline their reasoning--our guess is they want somebody with "more experience." With this rejection we have decided that it is time to start moving toward seeking calls in other places; we don't feel as if where we have been assigned is the best fit for us, so we have talked to the people in charge in order to get that process going. In that conversation we were told that it could take some time; that there were still more opportunities coming up the pipeline; and that there were pastoral candidates that liked the way the synod conducted their interviewing process (more on that later... maybe).
So, where does all of this leave us? Well, let me paint that picture for you briefly. We're still without a job (both of us); we're falling back on our back-up plan and working toward moving in with my parents for an interim period; and we continue our hoping and praying that the system will start working for us in the VERY near future. We have a lot of support from friends and family, basically telling us to keep our heads up and that it will work itself out--eventually. However, it's the eventually that is really unsettling. We have student loans to paid, we have vocations to live out, we have adventures to partake in, and a lot of it is wrapped up in being able to sustain our lives together, which generally speaking requires money. Money comes from jobs, and we don't have them.
Nonetheless, I am not here to tell you about how sad and weepy I am. Instead, I did a lot of thinking as I drove 3 hours to work a shift at my old digs yesterday. There was a time of reflection on the things that were said at the synod assembly that we attended, as well as my attitude and outlook on the whole process we have been going through so far. Needless to say I feel as if things need to change on an internal level.
I need to be more positive.
I need to focus on the service to be provided.
I need to remember that it's about more than me.
I need to rejoice in the privilege of being on this adventure.
I need to re-evaluate my position in the world.
Last night I shared some of these thoughts with my wife and she was in agreement, that neither of us have really been that positive or focused in the right areas of our journey together. It isn't something easily pinpointed, nor easily remedied. Simply because we are individuals, and as such there are interests, passions and wants that we each hold dear. Now, I could take the time and go through each of the line items above, but that would take a lot of time and I'm not sure it would be all that worth reading. So, here are some highlights from my intensive reflection session.
At the synod assembly, the bishop presented the message for the opening worship session, which could be the subject of a completely different rant. However, the message was about the ability to make a difference through the enactment of positive thoughts, thinking and insights. He had a volunteer stand on the stage with him, and asked him to think about various ideas/events and he proceeded to push his arm down. Now, this was a young man, probably an athlete of some sort, and you would think that he could keep his arm from being pushed down regardless. However, when the bishop told him to think more negative or more selfish things his arm dropped; as opposed to when he was thinking positive/selfless things his arm remained outstretched when pushed.
The experiment continued through a few different trials, but one that I thought was pretty interesting was when he called on 5 other volunteers to join the first on stage with him and the first one. They stood in a line and the bishop assigned one person to think negative thoughts about the first volunteer--it was a single-blind experiment--and the result was the same, his arm dropped when pushed on it.
Now, there is something to be said about social expectations, group psychology, social psychology, and what not, but this isn't one of those types of blogs. I'm interested in all of that stuff, but we'll save it for another time. For now, we'll get back to the meat and potatoes.
Back to the 3-hour drive...
Looking back over the journey my wife and I have been on since we collaborated on the initial assignment paperwork, there has been an air of selfishness surrounding us. We bickered over regions to preference: she wanted to go home, I wanted to stay home, I don't want to go to her home, she doesn't want to be in mine, etc. Then, when we get assigned to the region, she's crushed because she wanted to go home; I'm elated because I get to stay home, however I don't really like the northern part of the state, so it wasn't as great as it could have been (still okay though). Then, we start interviewing, and I don't really want to go; we lose hope after the first rejection; we try to brainstorm what we could do differently, how to be better; we were focusing on the ways the interviewers got it wrong and how the system wasn't on our side.
The common thread that I found was internal; the focus was on me, my wife, and our life together. It dawned on me that people have been pointing me in the opposite direction for some time. They have pushed me to look outside of myself to the possibilities for service, relationship and love that abound in the places that we get to go, people we get to meet, and between us.
When the interviews started not producing the expected results we started to get down on ourselves, and one of the first people to chime in was my friend Ryan. He told me to tell my wife that as much as the interviews are about getting a job, it's also an opportunity for her to share the gospel with new people. As her discerned vocation is that of a pastor, she is called to share the good news with people and guide them with love to God.
Power of the word.
It is really easy for me to allow the focus to be moved from me to my wife in these situations too, because it is her interview, it's her call, it's her vocation. However, I have one too. This is were I find the most difficulty; it's very easy to allow my wife's vocation overshadow mine, which I think at this point is one of the real struggles that I'm going to be facing as we progress through this process. I have put my life, my goals, and my dreams on hold (sort of) in order to support her on her quest to rule the world for her god.
I have a vocation too.
I have dreams too.
I have a calling to serve people too.
I have a life to live.
My vocation is not a pastor, but I have been called (or whatever) to serve a population of people that is vastly under-supported and losing ground daily. Elementary school teachers are gems that should be cherished, and I have become one of them. I am a certified/licensed elementary school teacher with a reading endorsement. I really enjoy working with kindergarten through 3rd/4th grade students. I guest taught all over the city were we currently live. I did it; I love it; I want to do it forever. However, this has been lost in this process--it's about finding my wife a job; it's about figuring out where she is going to be a pastor, but I've never stopped to think about whether I could live my call out in this places either.
I know this is turning it back towards myself, but it's about so much more than me. It's bigger than me and my wife. It's about the communities that we can serve in, the good we can do, and the places where we are NEEDED!
It's good to be wanted, but it's another thing entirely to be needed. The church needs leaders and the schools need teachers. However, my wife, last night, told me that this whole thing is a lot like marriage: you don't necessarily jump into a marriage without it being a good fit--we haven't found that right fit yet. It isn't anything about us personally, it's just hasn't been the right relationship potential, or something like that. Naturally, I had some retorts to this that extended our conversation for 20 minutes, but it all holds true regardless.
There has to be a willingness to on both sides of the table.
A willingness to take a risk, to be challenged, to challenge others, to work hard together for the glory of god and the community. Without this willingness nothing can come of the relationship.
The question becomes, are we willing to take the necessary risks? I think so. We are stepping out on faith, assuming that there is a right fit for us; and that we will find it. However, I think we also need to keep in mind to keep grounded in the big picture--it isn't about where we end up, it's about who we get to serve when we get there!
To love and serve others.
The call of a pastor.
The call of a teacher.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
We got word from the fourth interview site and were denied a position there as well. We aren't sure why yet, but they are supposed to be sending a letter, which will hopefully outline their reasoning--our guess is they want somebody with "more experience." With this rejection we have decided that it is time to start moving toward seeking calls in other places; we don't feel as if where we have been assigned is the best fit for us, so we have talked to the people in charge in order to get that process going. In that conversation we were told that it could take some time; that there were still more opportunities coming up the pipeline; and that there were pastoral candidates that liked the way the synod conducted their interviewing process (more on that later... maybe).
So, where does all of this leave us? Well, let me paint that picture for you briefly. We're still without a job (both of us); we're falling back on our back-up plan and working toward moving in with my parents for an interim period; and we continue our hoping and praying that the system will start working for us in the VERY near future. We have a lot of support from friends and family, basically telling us to keep our heads up and that it will work itself out--eventually. However, it's the eventually that is really unsettling. We have student loans to paid, we have vocations to live out, we have adventures to partake in, and a lot of it is wrapped up in being able to sustain our lives together, which generally speaking requires money. Money comes from jobs, and we don't have them.
Nonetheless, I am not here to tell you about how sad and weepy I am. Instead, I did a lot of thinking as I drove 3 hours to work a shift at my old digs yesterday. There was a time of reflection on the things that were said at the synod assembly that we attended, as well as my attitude and outlook on the whole process we have been going through so far. Needless to say I feel as if things need to change on an internal level.
I need to be more positive.
I need to focus on the service to be provided.
I need to remember that it's about more than me.
I need to rejoice in the privilege of being on this adventure.
I need to re-evaluate my position in the world.
Last night I shared some of these thoughts with my wife and she was in agreement, that neither of us have really been that positive or focused in the right areas of our journey together. It isn't something easily pinpointed, nor easily remedied. Simply because we are individuals, and as such there are interests, passions and wants that we each hold dear. Now, I could take the time and go through each of the line items above, but that would take a lot of time and I'm not sure it would be all that worth reading. So, here are some highlights from my intensive reflection session.
At the synod assembly, the bishop presented the message for the opening worship session, which could be the subject of a completely different rant. However, the message was about the ability to make a difference through the enactment of positive thoughts, thinking and insights. He had a volunteer stand on the stage with him, and asked him to think about various ideas/events and he proceeded to push his arm down. Now, this was a young man, probably an athlete of some sort, and you would think that he could keep his arm from being pushed down regardless. However, when the bishop told him to think more negative or more selfish things his arm dropped; as opposed to when he was thinking positive/selfless things his arm remained outstretched when pushed.
The experiment continued through a few different trials, but one that I thought was pretty interesting was when he called on 5 other volunteers to join the first on stage with him and the first one. They stood in a line and the bishop assigned one person to think negative thoughts about the first volunteer--it was a single-blind experiment--and the result was the same, his arm dropped when pushed on it.
Now, there is something to be said about social expectations, group psychology, social psychology, and what not, but this isn't one of those types of blogs. I'm interested in all of that stuff, but we'll save it for another time. For now, we'll get back to the meat and potatoes.
Back to the 3-hour drive...
Looking back over the journey my wife and I have been on since we collaborated on the initial assignment paperwork, there has been an air of selfishness surrounding us. We bickered over regions to preference: she wanted to go home, I wanted to stay home, I don't want to go to her home, she doesn't want to be in mine, etc. Then, when we get assigned to the region, she's crushed because she wanted to go home; I'm elated because I get to stay home, however I don't really like the northern part of the state, so it wasn't as great as it could have been (still okay though). Then, we start interviewing, and I don't really want to go; we lose hope after the first rejection; we try to brainstorm what we could do differently, how to be better; we were focusing on the ways the interviewers got it wrong and how the system wasn't on our side.
The common thread that I found was internal; the focus was on me, my wife, and our life together. It dawned on me that people have been pointing me in the opposite direction for some time. They have pushed me to look outside of myself to the possibilities for service, relationship and love that abound in the places that we get to go, people we get to meet, and between us.
When the interviews started not producing the expected results we started to get down on ourselves, and one of the first people to chime in was my friend Ryan. He told me to tell my wife that as much as the interviews are about getting a job, it's also an opportunity for her to share the gospel with new people. As her discerned vocation is that of a pastor, she is called to share the good news with people and guide them with love to God.
Power of the word.
It is really easy for me to allow the focus to be moved from me to my wife in these situations too, because it is her interview, it's her call, it's her vocation. However, I have one too. This is were I find the most difficulty; it's very easy to allow my wife's vocation overshadow mine, which I think at this point is one of the real struggles that I'm going to be facing as we progress through this process. I have put my life, my goals, and my dreams on hold (sort of) in order to support her on her quest to rule the world for her god.
I have a vocation too.
I have dreams too.
I have a calling to serve people too.
I have a life to live.
My vocation is not a pastor, but I have been called (or whatever) to serve a population of people that is vastly under-supported and losing ground daily. Elementary school teachers are gems that should be cherished, and I have become one of them. I am a certified/licensed elementary school teacher with a reading endorsement. I really enjoy working with kindergarten through 3rd/4th grade students. I guest taught all over the city were we currently live. I did it; I love it; I want to do it forever. However, this has been lost in this process--it's about finding my wife a job; it's about figuring out where she is going to be a pastor, but I've never stopped to think about whether I could live my call out in this places either.
I know this is turning it back towards myself, but it's about so much more than me. It's bigger than me and my wife. It's about the communities that we can serve in, the good we can do, and the places where we are NEEDED!
It's good to be wanted, but it's another thing entirely to be needed. The church needs leaders and the schools need teachers. However, my wife, last night, told me that this whole thing is a lot like marriage: you don't necessarily jump into a marriage without it being a good fit--we haven't found that right fit yet. It isn't anything about us personally, it's just hasn't been the right relationship potential, or something like that. Naturally, I had some retorts to this that extended our conversation for 20 minutes, but it all holds true regardless.
There has to be a willingness to on both sides of the table.
A willingness to take a risk, to be challenged, to challenge others, to work hard together for the glory of god and the community. Without this willingness nothing can come of the relationship.
The question becomes, are we willing to take the necessary risks? I think so. We are stepping out on faith, assuming that there is a right fit for us; and that we will find it. However, I think we also need to keep in mind to keep grounded in the big picture--it isn't about where we end up, it's about who we get to serve when we get there!
To love and serve others.
The call of a pastor.
The call of a teacher.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, June 12, 2016
God's Timing // Awkward Party
Welcome to the end of another week, or the beginning of a new week. Either way we meet again, and it is time for more reflection and updates from my journey to become a pastor's husband.
I'm not sure how substantial this will be, however my hope is that it is a bit more meaningful than last week's; even though I was going to make up for it by posting another one before it came time to officially post--didn't quite make it. Nonetheless, here goes something...
This week in review:
So, really our lives are not that much different since we started on this journey. People move, people search for jobs, people have arguments, and people watch movies. It's all about maintaining a sense of normalcy as we progress through and toward the unknown. However, the problem remains that all we have is the unknown. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, to think about, or even live through it strains your relationship.
For instance, the arguments we had pertained to nothing remotely important (roads being blocked due to construction; and emotional distress turning into attacks). I'm not sure what was at the root of the dispute, but I fear that it is due to the stress that I have been unable to alleviate in the past week or so. It just keeps adding up, with no relief in sight. If anything, it only seems that the stress keeps building up, which means we are quickly racing toward another break down. Neither of us needs this, wants this, or really has time to deal with another outburst like we had a couple of weeks ago.
I mean working on the maintenance/custodial crew at the school has helped fill my time, but provided that there is plenty of hours in the day (at work or otherwise) for my mind to focus on the unknown that has become our life. As I walk around the halls of the school, my mind rehashes all of the scenarios that could get played out in the coming days; it reminds me constantly that we're still jobless and soon to be homeless; it disallows me to see the brighter side of what could be coming our way. It is like I am stuck in a dark hall with no doors and no light--I keep walking in the direction I think is forward, but I never seem to make progress. I just want things to be figured out, to be settled, to be finished for this part of the journey, so that we can start the next part.
It doesn't make it any easier when a good number of my wife's friends are receiving calls and transitioning into the next phase of life. Not all of them are so lucky as those, but it still feels like we are the only ones. In reality, there are at least 2 families here at the seminary who are in a similar position as us: waiting, wondering, worrying.
The unknown has gripped us and it's starting to overwhelm us.
We want answers.
We want to move on.
We want progress.
So, just to give you a little update on what we are looking at, because some of it is a little difficult to fathom, I will provide a little insight as to what could happen next.
For starters, we are waiting to hear back from the 4th interview. We traveled up north again on this past Monday. She was told that it could be between 1 and 2 weeks before we hear anything back, which has been about average. Naturally, there are two options for what the correspondence can tell us, "Yes, we want you," or "No, we don't want you." So far we have only received the latter, so our hopes are pretty low for this one as well--granted we want this one to work just so we can move forward with the rest of this stuff. However, our track record, like described, disallows me to allow my feet to leave the ground on this one. Nonetheless, if they do say, "Yes," then we will move forward: there is paper work to be filled out, ordination ceremonies to plan, a trip to Montana, and a move to a new house in a new city.
However, keeping my feet firmly on the ground disallows me to think of such positive things for very long. There is a glimmer of hope to be seen--the other 2 first call candidates have gotten jobs, which means my wife is the last one--but at the same time, our previous experience has shown us that things might not be as ripe with possibilities as the powers that be have made us think. It would seem that the barriers before us are a little harder to maneuver than originally thought, which is why we have developed a fairly firm back-up plan, which goes something like this:
If we hear a "No, we don't want you," then she is going to have a heartfelt, albeit difficult discussion with the office of the bishop for her synod. Through this conversation she is going to hopefully get some answers to some questions and seek the next steps in acquiring a position, potentially in a new area. However, this doesn't really effect me any. I'm not apart of that conversation, because if I was, there would probably be not very nice things said. I mean, there are all sorts of words, phrases and images that come to my mind as I think about all of the hoops we have jumped through for nothing so far. Empty promises, rings of fire, and very little support for either of us as we progress towards nothing.
Regardless of the conversation she has, we have to move out sooner or later. The seminary has told us that they are willing to work with us--allowing us to stay beyond the housing contract--however I would much rather not be a charity case for a system that has failed to deliver the goods that they promised. So, I have talked to my parents and they have decided to allow us to move in with them for a brief time while things get figured out. As for the rest of our stuff, it would be placed in a storage unit until the time we can rescue it and put it in it's final resting place--an abode of our own.
Now, please keep in mind that nothing has been officially set in motion yet.
We have started preparing for a move: packing up things that aren't being used, won't be used, and other such materials. We have made back-up arrangements with my parents--just in case we get bad news. However, there is no official word yet. We still have to wait to hear back from the church, and she still has to contact the office of the bishop, but we're preparing for the worst. There are plenty of jobs available across the nation, and yet she gets pulled down to a place that doesn't want her... It's crazy, and there is not enough time to get into it for this post. Maybe soon I will divulge my inner thoughts on this process--especially if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it does.
In conclusion, thank-you for reading. This may be a little vague, but I'm not sure how much I'm really supposed to be sharing. In order to stay on the better side of the system, I have left out some of the more real details of what is looming just beyond the horizon. We are hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and thankful that you're on this journey with us.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
I'm not sure how substantial this will be, however my hope is that it is a bit more meaningful than last week's; even though I was going to make up for it by posting another one before it came time to officially post--didn't quite make it. Nonetheless, here goes something...
This week in review:
- We had our 4th interview for a pastoral position.
- We attended the first day of the Synod Assembly for our area
- We packed up most of our kitchen stuff
- We visited my parents
- We have discussed and set in motion plans for the next steps forward
- We watched Orange is the New Black Season 1
- Tried to watch Black Mass
- Currently watching Pan (a re-imagination of the Peter Pan story)
- Packed up some clothing that we won't be wearing in the near future
- Had a few arguments about unimportant things
- Read some books
So, really our lives are not that much different since we started on this journey. People move, people search for jobs, people have arguments, and people watch movies. It's all about maintaining a sense of normalcy as we progress through and toward the unknown. However, the problem remains that all we have is the unknown. When you cannot find anything else to talk about, to think about, or even live through it strains your relationship.
For instance, the arguments we had pertained to nothing remotely important (roads being blocked due to construction; and emotional distress turning into attacks). I'm not sure what was at the root of the dispute, but I fear that it is due to the stress that I have been unable to alleviate in the past week or so. It just keeps adding up, with no relief in sight. If anything, it only seems that the stress keeps building up, which means we are quickly racing toward another break down. Neither of us needs this, wants this, or really has time to deal with another outburst like we had a couple of weeks ago.
I mean working on the maintenance/custodial crew at the school has helped fill my time, but provided that there is plenty of hours in the day (at work or otherwise) for my mind to focus on the unknown that has become our life. As I walk around the halls of the school, my mind rehashes all of the scenarios that could get played out in the coming days; it reminds me constantly that we're still jobless and soon to be homeless; it disallows me to see the brighter side of what could be coming our way. It is like I am stuck in a dark hall with no doors and no light--I keep walking in the direction I think is forward, but I never seem to make progress. I just want things to be figured out, to be settled, to be finished for this part of the journey, so that we can start the next part.
It doesn't make it any easier when a good number of my wife's friends are receiving calls and transitioning into the next phase of life. Not all of them are so lucky as those, but it still feels like we are the only ones. In reality, there are at least 2 families here at the seminary who are in a similar position as us: waiting, wondering, worrying.
The unknown has gripped us and it's starting to overwhelm us.
We want answers.
We want to move on.
We want progress.
So, just to give you a little update on what we are looking at, because some of it is a little difficult to fathom, I will provide a little insight as to what could happen next.
For starters, we are waiting to hear back from the 4th interview. We traveled up north again on this past Monday. She was told that it could be between 1 and 2 weeks before we hear anything back, which has been about average. Naturally, there are two options for what the correspondence can tell us, "Yes, we want you," or "No, we don't want you." So far we have only received the latter, so our hopes are pretty low for this one as well--granted we want this one to work just so we can move forward with the rest of this stuff. However, our track record, like described, disallows me to allow my feet to leave the ground on this one. Nonetheless, if they do say, "Yes," then we will move forward: there is paper work to be filled out, ordination ceremonies to plan, a trip to Montana, and a move to a new house in a new city.
However, keeping my feet firmly on the ground disallows me to think of such positive things for very long. There is a glimmer of hope to be seen--the other 2 first call candidates have gotten jobs, which means my wife is the last one--but at the same time, our previous experience has shown us that things might not be as ripe with possibilities as the powers that be have made us think. It would seem that the barriers before us are a little harder to maneuver than originally thought, which is why we have developed a fairly firm back-up plan, which goes something like this:
If we hear a "No, we don't want you," then she is going to have a heartfelt, albeit difficult discussion with the office of the bishop for her synod. Through this conversation she is going to hopefully get some answers to some questions and seek the next steps in acquiring a position, potentially in a new area. However, this doesn't really effect me any. I'm not apart of that conversation, because if I was, there would probably be not very nice things said. I mean, there are all sorts of words, phrases and images that come to my mind as I think about all of the hoops we have jumped through for nothing so far. Empty promises, rings of fire, and very little support for either of us as we progress towards nothing.
Regardless of the conversation she has, we have to move out sooner or later. The seminary has told us that they are willing to work with us--allowing us to stay beyond the housing contract--however I would much rather not be a charity case for a system that has failed to deliver the goods that they promised. So, I have talked to my parents and they have decided to allow us to move in with them for a brief time while things get figured out. As for the rest of our stuff, it would be placed in a storage unit until the time we can rescue it and put it in it's final resting place--an abode of our own.
Now, please keep in mind that nothing has been officially set in motion yet.
We have started preparing for a move: packing up things that aren't being used, won't be used, and other such materials. We have made back-up arrangements with my parents--just in case we get bad news. However, there is no official word yet. We still have to wait to hear back from the church, and she still has to contact the office of the bishop, but we're preparing for the worst. There are plenty of jobs available across the nation, and yet she gets pulled down to a place that doesn't want her... It's crazy, and there is not enough time to get into it for this post. Maybe soon I will divulge my inner thoughts on this process--especially if it doesn't work out the way we all hope it does.
In conclusion, thank-you for reading. This may be a little vague, but I'm not sure how much I'm really supposed to be sharing. In order to stay on the better side of the system, I have left out some of the more real details of what is looming just beyond the horizon. We are hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and thankful that you're on this journey with us.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Moving Over the Shallows // Don't Get Trapped
Good morning, afternoon, evening, night.
Hello.
It is my hope that the bar has not been set too high for these rants, raves, and otherwise nondescript posts of mine, but nonetheless I have to keep writing. As a part of this challenge it is my goal to write once a week, regardless if there is something provocative or meaningful to say. This is because our day to day functions, operations and thoughts are really what make us us. Yes, we may have a super epiphany every once and a while, but those are rare, and so we are left with our "mundane existences," that are often overlooked and thought to be less than useful. However, there are times where I feel like it is my every day life that people miss out on some of my true essence. I have been through a lot of things this past week, and most of it has nothing to do with my journey toward becoming a pastor's husband. It's about life, and how I live it, and how I live with my wife, and how I love with others in the community.
It's pretty straightforward really: we need people to survive. We rely on others in order to make our lives complete and worth living in the first place. Some of us choose, or whatever, to get married; some of us join fraternities/sororities of like-minded people; some us go to church and worship; some of us join clubs, gangs, and other social networks; all for a sense of belonging and to fulfill the unending need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Regardless of religion, social status or musical interests we all need people to interact with. This is at times the hardest part of life for me; I don't like to need people; and I don't like the fact that I know that I need people in order to maintain my being. At the very same time though, I miss people; I miss my previous communities; I miss knowing that there was a group of people who's interest in me and my well being was more than passive, but not necessarily active. It's weird to think about, but there was a time in my life when I lived with 5 other people (all women; my wife being one of those) and we all worked together to for a bond--a community in a house and beyond. I miss that...
Now that I'm married people will start to talk like your spouse is supposed to be your life, your all, your everything. This is true, to an extent. However, your spouse is only one person, and as a single person there is only so much that they can do for you or with you. I feel as if this notion that once you get married your life turns entirely toward the person who has joined you is a social trap that is well worth avoiding. I can't say with any level of certainty that I know of people who have fallen into this trap, but there has to be at least one person out there--otherwise there wouldn't be so many crazy marriage stories turning to serial killer type scenarios; no more Lifetime movies if this didn't happen! Nonetheless, I get a little scared when I isolate myself in the house with only my wife to hang out with; only my wife to take trips with; only my wife is around when I get home from work. It's strange.
I'm not really that outwardly social, but I do like to do stuff, which is a bit of a struggle for me. I'm not very good at navigating the initiation of social activities. I have thought to myself, quite a few times, that I really don't know how grown-ups are supposed to initiate social happenings. It's always baffled me, because as children we would ask our parents, then talk to our friends telling them that our parents said it was okay, then they asked their parents, and it generally all worked out for the best. However, as an adult, there are not 3rd party support teams to interrupt our social gatherings. We have to do the work ourselves, but the question remains how does one do that? I have thought it weird to just swing by somebody's house to see if they wanted to do something; but with the technological boom of the past few years we don't really have to talk to anybody in order to figure out things. It's all really bizarre to me, especially considering I've never really been that social in the first place.
Now, where am I going with this?
I'm not sure.
There wasn't really anything specific that I had in mind for this post, so I just started freelancing and here we are. I do feel as if there are thoughts in that first wave worth thinking about a little more, especially as we transition to new communities, new life, and new beginnings. Every new stop on one's journey is an opportunity to make changes, enhance old habits, and even reinvent ourselves. What would I change, what would I like to do differently? I'm not sure. However, my hope is that as soon as my wife takes the next step on her journey, there will be opportunities for me to explore new areas of life and meet new people who will get me to new levels of life.
In other news...
May these words be meaningful to somebody, sometime. I know my words are not always meant for the here and now, and so may these words find the eyes that need them at the time of power.
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Hello.
It is my hope that the bar has not been set too high for these rants, raves, and otherwise nondescript posts of mine, but nonetheless I have to keep writing. As a part of this challenge it is my goal to write once a week, regardless if there is something provocative or meaningful to say. This is because our day to day functions, operations and thoughts are really what make us us. Yes, we may have a super epiphany every once and a while, but those are rare, and so we are left with our "mundane existences," that are often overlooked and thought to be less than useful. However, there are times where I feel like it is my every day life that people miss out on some of my true essence. I have been through a lot of things this past week, and most of it has nothing to do with my journey toward becoming a pastor's husband. It's about life, and how I live it, and how I live with my wife, and how I love with others in the community.
It's pretty straightforward really: we need people to survive. We rely on others in order to make our lives complete and worth living in the first place. Some of us choose, or whatever, to get married; some of us join fraternities/sororities of like-minded people; some us go to church and worship; some of us join clubs, gangs, and other social networks; all for a sense of belonging and to fulfill the unending need to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. Regardless of religion, social status or musical interests we all need people to interact with. This is at times the hardest part of life for me; I don't like to need people; and I don't like the fact that I know that I need people in order to maintain my being. At the very same time though, I miss people; I miss my previous communities; I miss knowing that there was a group of people who's interest in me and my well being was more than passive, but not necessarily active. It's weird to think about, but there was a time in my life when I lived with 5 other people (all women; my wife being one of those) and we all worked together to for a bond--a community in a house and beyond. I miss that...
Now that I'm married people will start to talk like your spouse is supposed to be your life, your all, your everything. This is true, to an extent. However, your spouse is only one person, and as a single person there is only so much that they can do for you or with you. I feel as if this notion that once you get married your life turns entirely toward the person who has joined you is a social trap that is well worth avoiding. I can't say with any level of certainty that I know of people who have fallen into this trap, but there has to be at least one person out there--otherwise there wouldn't be so many crazy marriage stories turning to serial killer type scenarios; no more Lifetime movies if this didn't happen! Nonetheless, I get a little scared when I isolate myself in the house with only my wife to hang out with; only my wife to take trips with; only my wife is around when I get home from work. It's strange.
I'm not really that outwardly social, but I do like to do stuff, which is a bit of a struggle for me. I'm not very good at navigating the initiation of social activities. I have thought to myself, quite a few times, that I really don't know how grown-ups are supposed to initiate social happenings. It's always baffled me, because as children we would ask our parents, then talk to our friends telling them that our parents said it was okay, then they asked their parents, and it generally all worked out for the best. However, as an adult, there are not 3rd party support teams to interrupt our social gatherings. We have to do the work ourselves, but the question remains how does one do that? I have thought it weird to just swing by somebody's house to see if they wanted to do something; but with the technological boom of the past few years we don't really have to talk to anybody in order to figure out things. It's all really bizarre to me, especially considering I've never really been that social in the first place.
Now, where am I going with this?
I'm not sure.
There wasn't really anything specific that I had in mind for this post, so I just started freelancing and here we are. I do feel as if there are thoughts in that first wave worth thinking about a little more, especially as we transition to new communities, new life, and new beginnings. Every new stop on one's journey is an opportunity to make changes, enhance old habits, and even reinvent ourselves. What would I change, what would I like to do differently? I'm not sure. However, my hope is that as soon as my wife takes the next step on her journey, there will be opportunities for me to explore new areas of life and meet new people who will get me to new levels of life.
In other news...
- I started working at the school as a part of the maintenance/custodial crew on Tuesday of this week.
- My wife has an interview tomorrow for another possible call opportunity.
- We have started packing our house, in preparation to move out--hopefully to her first call, but we have back-up plans forming too.
- I invited my wife to take a trip with my yesterday to a semi-local town where we had an awesome lunch and purchased several (10) different, new, types of Root Beer to try.
May these words be meaningful to somebody, sometime. I know my words are not always meant for the here and now, and so may these words find the eyes that need them at the time of power.
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
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