There comes a time, I think, in every husband's life when he stands next to his wife and wants to fight for her. At least this has been happening to me over the past couple of weeks. You see, as we progress in this call process I am my wife's biggest supporter. It is her vocation, her calling, her passion. I want to see her succeed and am willing to whatever it takes to get her there. However, the question becomes, what can I do?
She is following the protocol and systems for acquiring a job: she has been through the paperwork; gone through the initial interviews and got approved to pursue her vocation; and now is interviewing for jobs. That's what it takes to become a pastor in her system, and she's on the verge of crossing over to the gainfully employed sector. However, we have come up against the unspoken rules and regulations that society has put in her path. Such things as gender stereotypes, political/social conservatism, corporate word smith(ing), and a lot of unknowns. None of these things can be overcome by me as her support system.
I can stand by her, encourage her, tell her she's go it. However, that doesn't change the fact that I feel powerless to help her gain any footing in the world that she feels called to. I can go to the interviews with her in order to show support and feel out the people associated with the church, but I can't change the way the bishops act towards her, the words that are said to her, nor change the fact that some people "don't like women leaders."
It kills me inside.
I want to fight for her. I want her to get a job. I want her to be done with the politics of finding a job. I'm a selfish husband.
I sometimes feel as if I want her to fight as hard as I feel I would be if I were in her position. At least that's how I was feeling this morning. I wanted her to call up the person who's job it is to work with the First Call Pastoral Candidates and blast them for answers: where are all of the interviews she might need; what did they have in mind for her; if they don't have a position for a female pastor, why did they pull her to the synod? There have been a lot of words conveyed to me, second hand, that made it seem like the systems and practices in place were there to support the candidates, but as we progress through the process more it doesn't seem like the support is really there. Where is the help?
It got worse over the past week as we tried to get a hold of the people in charge just to find out that they were on vacation--out of the office until Tuesday. Perfect timing.
Nonetheless the wheels keep turning and we keep moving forward. Hopefully closer to a job for her, which ultimately means a job for me. I would, though, like to go back to the idea of her fighting as hard as I would be in her position. This is one the areas where I get pretty upset when I here the words and see the actions working against my wife.
Being a female, seeking ordination as a pastor, and being assigned to Iowa should be a no brainer, right? Wrong. Apparently, the way the system works is the people in charge of your region/synod fight for you to join their team--I'm really unclear as to how it all works--and they present the candidates with the idea that they have something specific in mind for each of the candidates. This, essentially, means a job. Fine. Then we meet with the people in charge and they get talking about the various churches in the area, and start crossing off potential job sites due to a number of reasons: problematic histories, disrespect of female leadership, a ways off in terms of being ready for a new pastor, and the list continues. Now, this normally wouldn't be an issue until suddenly out of all the possible church placements we only get 3 interviews, while her colleague in ministry has 5+ interviews set-up, what's the difference? Interest and gender--her colleague is a male. There are more potential opportunities for a white male than there are a white female in the system.
This is where I find myself now. We have had three interviews: a yes, a now and a maybe-so (on our end). Had one rejection, and are awaiting words from the "maybe-so," church which could be a couple weeks out. What do I do? How do I fight for my wife's well being in her vocation? I know the answer is less complicated than I want to make it, but it's hard. I am going to stand by her through all of this; continue seeking prayers, positive mojo, and thoughts from all of our beloved friends and family; and keep working. Unless of course somebody has a better idea... do you have any ideas? Let me know in the comments, on Facebook, via e-mail, via text message, or however you can! I know my wife is capable of leading any church, it's just a matter of finding the one that is "The Right Place," which was the slogan of the township we just interviewed in. So, here's hoping, praying, thinking and wishing that something is just beyond the horizon for us. She graduates in a few weeks, and it would be awesome to have something lined up for shortly after that... but everything has a place in time--it may not be our time, but time nonetheless.
The fight continues. I love my wife and can't wait to see her fulfill her dreams, which allows me to fulfill mine.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Andy J. Graves
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