For many years now I have toyed with the idea of writing a book. I helped "self-publish" a science tome for my master's program (I doubt it was every actually published, since I gave it my my professor to finish up); however I've also struggled with my ability to sit down and consistently write anything. There have been many attempts to write a variety of blogs: a list-o-mania blog, a year of awesome blog, a series of poems in a notebook, a weekly challenge to write anything at all.
Needless to say none of these has really manifested any sort of success. Why?
I don't believe in myself as a writer, as a hobbyist, or even as an intellectual. I have so many thoughts and conversations with my wife throughout the course of a week, there is plenty of material available for me to write page after page of blog each week. However, whenever I make an attempt at setting myself up for such a project, it never pans out; then I get upset at myself when I remember that I was supposed to working on said project, but haven't gotten anything done for it in over a month. So, what's the point? Why am I putting this piece up on the G-Bull blog? Where is this going?
To be honest, it will probably end up in the same places that all of my other ideas, thoughts, projects and such have ended up--nowhere. It's much bigger this time though; there is more at stake than merely writing some random blog posts about random happenings. I have said similar things before, especially when I was preparing to do the letter writing campaign, and The August Collection. Both of those projects were much larger than myself: with the letters, they were sent out to 30 different people, hand written, and touched the lives of those who got them; The August Collection was a writing exercise that tapped the creative minds of people and I wrote every day for the month, giving credit back to the creative minds that pushed me to get it done. How does it get bigger than that? What could I possibly be talking about?
Well, here comes the Jesus sauce. Not for me to drink, nor for you to drink unless you want, but nonetheless what is about to happen can be traced back to the Jesus regardless if you drink the kool-aid or not. Here's what I'm talking about:
As some of you may know, I got married in January, and my wife is on the verge of becoming a rostered leader in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA)--basically she's becoming a female pastor. Now, I know there are plenty of denominations, religious sects, and people in general who do not feel as if this is the good and proper place for a female in the church, but this is not about that. This is about me. My story. My position in the world that I have signed up to be a part of. You're probably confused as to what I'm talking about so, let me lay it out for you! I'm really just dragging this out to pump out more words of written work, since I've not done so in quite a while!
Here's the situation. Historically men were pastors and the wives of these men were labeled "First Ladies." They were the second in command for a lot of the churches regardless of their interest or abilities in the world of running/conducting church business. Often times the congregation looked to the first lady as a second pastor, even if they did not feel as if a woman should be in a position of power within the church: they were supposed to know everything about the church, all of the happenings of the church, schedule everything, hold the pastor accountable, and basically run the show from a position of no power in the church. You see, though, the ELCA is one of those groups who feels as if women are fully capable and called by God to serve as leaders in the church. So, the question becomes what happens when a woman is elevated to pastor, but she subsequently has a husband who is not a part of the church? What becomes of the "First Husband," if you will?
This is where my search has began. As my wife progresses toward fulfilling her call as a pastor, where does that leave me? Yes, I have my calling to fulfill as an elementary school teacher, possibly a writer, maybe a poet, and whatever else I might find to fill my time. But regardless of how I fill my time, my wife will still be the leader of a church, which is an organic, needy and always watchful organism that has the tendency to envelop entire families. Just like when the "first ladies" of the church get wrapped into the daily affairs of the church, so too can the "first husbands," right? Will the little church ladies expect the strong husband to fix things around the church? Will they look to the husband to quell the power of his wife in the church? What does it look like to be the husband of a pastor in the ELCA? These are the questions that are stuck in my head. This is where I want to jump into the depths of research and experience in order to figure out what I might be getting myself into.
I went to the internet to try to find out what others have experienced, but found very little. It's mostly blogs and articles about how to keep your wife in check, and the role of women in the church. There were a few articles that sought the insights of husbands of female pastors who were in church leadership themselves. This doesn't work for me. My wife is going to fulfill her call to the best of her ability, as will I. However, I have no interest in being a leader in the church--at least not at this point. So, what about those of us who are called to minister to those outside of the church, without explicitly invoking the word of God? What are the boundaries that need to solidified in order to uphold the sanctity of the relationship that my wife and I are trying to foster?
Nobody has written a manual on how to be a good husband to a female pastor, or a male pastor as the case may be. I cannot speak to the husbands of same-sex marriages within the world of church leadership, but we have to start somewhere. The conversation has started; the questions are being brought forth, and the lack of information is troubling.
I have wanted to undertake a more academic project, and this might be it. There are several different areas of interest that could be helpful in answering these questions:
- Church centered gender roles
- Socially accepted gender roles
- Interviewing/researching the lives of ministry couples
- First hand personal experience
- Ongoing conversations with those in church leadership
If you have any thoughts, comments, concerns or questions let me know. You can comment here, find me on facebook, or e-mail. We are all on this journey together, so let's make the most of it. Who knows, I might even write a book before it's all said and done. Nobody really knows where we will end up, so might as well set some goals and try to get some work done before the time runs out.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
-Andy J. Graves
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