It's me again.
It's Thursday, not Sunday.
Surprise!
I don't really know what is driving my fingers to put these words to the screen, but it's here and it's operating behind the scenes. So, it is what it is. I just wanted to get some things out there that have been unsaid, specifically things that have been brought up in conversation with the Mrs. and thoughts that I've had been holding on to while we journey forward together. Things are changing for us, and there are fears, thoughts and passions that are understated in the words that have been shared with you thus far.
Glimpses have been given to some of the "behind the scenes" happenings in our lives, but it's been pretty quiet in terms of sharing with you--our faithful readers or whatever. However, this is not going to be a tell-all post, because I don't do that. Everybody is entitled to their secrets, and some things are strictly "Don't need to know." So, with that being laid out for you, here comes something!
As you may have known up until now, my wife has been on the interview circuit for a while now: 5 interviews; 4 rejections; 1 upcoming.
It's been a journey, and we're not done yet. We travel to another interview tomorrow afternoon and the outlook is much the same as the previous ones: they're on record for denying a candidate for the lack of experience, which is the same as all the other rejections that we have gotten. However, it's just another hoop that we're jumping through before we can, hopefully, position ourselves to get a better footing in the world of church jobs. The question I have is, what gives? Why are these churches being allowed to interview people who they are just going to reject?
Yes, they tell the bishop's office that they are willing to entertain a first call pastoral candidate on the off chance that they might like them, but chances are they're looking for somebody who is a 2nd, 3rd, 10th call pastor instead of somebody who has just graduated and looking to change the world. It's crap!
Yes, there is something to wanting somebody with experience, I get it; however don't say you're willing to take a first call pastor if you're just going to tell them no. Granted, this doesn't really work in our favor because the other 2 first call pastoral candidates have gotten jobs in the same synod, so that changes the question to "What's wrong with us?" Even though everybody in positions of power and comfort tell us that it's a spirit thing, that we have to wait for the "right fit," that we just have to be patient, that it's not because she's a female. It's crap! There is something going on here and it's not nice. Almost all of her classmates have jobs already, males and females a like; all in the Midwest; all same spot in their ministry experience; we're the ones without a job. Why?
I don't know.
I want to know.
I want my wife to find a job.
I want to find a job.
Truth #1: The system is broken, and there's nothing I can do to help her out!
I'm getting tired of small, farm communities. Almost all of the interviews we have had are in communities that meet that description head on: maybe a grocery store, a gas station, and a library. Everybody drives 30+ minutes to the larger town nearby for work, real stores and most other resources. The last one we were at told us that it's really not that far to the larger city centers, which meant that it was about 40 minutes in three directions to a town that had a restaurant of any sort. These communities have a school, which serves at least 2 different townships; most of them serve more than that, some up to 4 or 5 different communities. They tell me how well behaved the students are, how they always need substitute teachers, and how there are 3 similar districts right around the immediate community--just in case there weren't any opportunities for me there. Peachy!
Now, do not get my words twisted about. I have nothing against farmers, small communities, or even the idea of commuting to work every day for over 30 minutes. If that is the life that you want to live, then I give you my blessing and wish you the best of luck against the deer and raccoons.
Not for me.
Not now; not ever.
I love the concrete jungle.
I need resources: Burger King, McDonald's, Hy-Vee, Wal-Mart, Target, Museums, etc.
In conversation with my wife, we have talked about some of these things. She is willing, capable and semi-called to do rural ministry, and for us here that means small farm communities. I, on the other hand, am an urban creature by habit and lifestyle. I spent time in Des Moines, Milwaukee, Dubuque, and even the Twin Cities of Minnesota--loved it.
The diversity.
The people.
The cultures.
The options.
In the cities, if I wanted to walk around and see things I could. There were plenty of places to loiter, lean, and walk around that was adventerous and different. I could ride the city transit from one side of the city to the other without any real issue. I could listen to a million different musical acts from a million different genres at any given corner. It holds a sense of magic and majesty to me. There is something about the concrete jungle that draws me out of my shell, and makes me want to live more fully. Even though I've never fully embraced the urban life, I feel as if it's where I feel called to serve; my mission field is the city--not the country. I have played along, rather nicely I think, with the idea of being willing to work in a small community school district, but I don't know that this is where I'm supposed to be. Is it a good fit for me? I'm not sold.
I'm kind of thinking I might be the problem we haven't gotten a job yet... it's not right for me!
Not a good fit.
Not the right space.
Not the right place.
No good for me.
Truth #2: City of die!
So, even though I'm not really sure where we are, ultimately, going to end up there is a lot of journey to take place between now and then. As of late, we have hit some rough patches and are trying to make the best of it. If it weren't for the love of our friends and families, I'm not sure what we would be doing right now. Even though we are not exactly the most thrilled couple in the world, we have a roof over our head, food in our bellies and are residing with people who are willing to put up with us as we traverse the crazy that is this journey.
Yes, I'm a 29-year old man, and my wife and I have moved in with my parents. I called them up as we were figuring out what we were going to do and asked if we could stay with them for a little while instead of forking over $800+ a month for rent. They agreed, so here we are--with my parents, in the room that I did a lot of growing up in (kept the same for times like this). We put most of our stuff in a storage unit and moved the essentials into my parents house. Thank God for parents who love you enough to put up with you, especially at almost 30 years old.
To make things just a little worse, this is the 3rd time I've had to move home, granted the first time doing so with a wife. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't want to have to be "that guy," who lives with his parents. I even told my wife that while we were driving back from the latest interview. We had had words that morning and then we were "talking it out" on the way home and I told her flat out that I feel like a failure because of the situation we're in.
I'm the "man."
I want to "take care" of my family.
She deserves better than this.
It's my job?
I don't buy into the complimentary belief system of relationships--the one where there are specific jobs based on gender and such--but as a male in the modern American society, I am trained to believe that I am responsible for the well-being of my family, which at this point is just my wife and I. I failed her by making us move in with my parents, instead of what? I'm not really sure what the alternative would be. We could have stayed in our house and ran out of money; We could have sought part time jobs and left in 2 weeks; We could have lived in her CRV down by the river. I know she will say that it's okay, that we're not living her forever (no offense to my parents, but that would be awful), and the process will work out soon enough. However, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a man-failure. I have let my fellow husbands, men, brothers and sons down!
It's absurd I know. We all have our lumps to deal with, especially when you have to jump through systemic hoops that are not designed to help you out as the seeker of opportunity.
Truth #3: You can't fail if you continue to try!
I was once told I was good at conducting the prayers at the church I worked out... so let's pray shall we?
Here's a prayer that I'll let you use, if you want:
Most gracious God, we come to you in need to comfort and support. So many of us are dealing with things that only you can comprehend, and we need solace. We need your hand to come down and shelter us from the turmoil of the sea that is life. My brothers and sisters of color are dealing with violence, death and all matter of things that I cannot begin to comprehend--be with them, comfort them, whisper those sweet nothings into their hearts that will give them a little rest from the turmoil that has engulfed their lives.
We also lift up those who are seeking a higher purpose for their lives. Those of us who seek to do your work in the world, but lack the opportunity or direction to make our mark in the world. There are things in our way that we cannot seem to find a way around, through or over... we seek your hand to give us a boost: energy, strength, knowledge and heart! In the recesses of our brains we are losing hope, and we need that pick-me-up so we can live out the longings of our hearts. In all corners of the world; in all communities; in all hearts there is a longing to make this world a better place... give us the tools we need to see it through.
I don't have names; I don't have specific requests; but the things that go unspoken, but are laid heavy on our hearts are lifted up before you as well. There is a pain in this world; there is a hurt, a void, that needs to be filled with the love that only you can bestow upon us. You, who calmed the seas, who provided for the masses, who healed the sick, and guided the lost back to their home, we call upon you do continue this work and more--to empower us to do the same. We are called yours, we are sent into the world to make it whole again, empower us from the inside out to do just that.
We come to you humbly in the name of the lord.
Amen.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
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