"Give Me Your Church" // The Magic School Bus of Life

Hello there.

I realize that it's already Monday morning, and my goal was to post things each Sunday. However, if you look at the various dates/times of these posts it hasn't been as consistent as I would have liked it to be yet. For this I do not apologize; it's my life and things happen the way they do for some sort of reason, which means we have to deal with it as it falls into place. Although, I have found that my most profound thinking, contemplating, and work comes out at the wee hours of the morning after everybody has left me to to my own devices in the living room. It's probably not a good habit to build back up, as I am hoping to be getting a job sometime in the very near future. Nonetheless, enough of the pseudo-excuses and on to the real agenda.

I don't really have any updates for your reading pleasure in terms of progress, because there really hasn't been any since last week. We were told certain aspects of the process were supposed to be taken care of this week, but we haven't gotten any word on progress. So, yet again we are faced with the "hurry up and wait" syndrome that has plagued us this entire time. We get good news and want to forge ahead, but we get stuck on hoops that are completely out of our control. It really aggravates me, especially when we all want the same thing: jobs! I just, really, that people would communicate better. I know I'm not the best communicator in the world, but when it comes to business and progressing through tricky patches communication is key. Again, coming from me this doesn't really mean a lot because in my personal relationships I suck, however when it comes to business type settings I get a little better. It's stupid, but we all have our crosses to carry! Thus, as soon as I get the go ahead to tell you all what is happening I will fill you in; until then just know we took a step forward in a positive direction and are stalled out again. The great waiting game still holds us in it's clutches.

In other news I have set eyes upon a potential, real, problem that I could have to deal with as we progress in our life together (my wife and I and you of course). It came to me in a vision...

I was sitting in the computer chair, not unlike I am now, and my wife and I were talking about church programs and just spit balled some ideas around for a short period of time. Now, this was not the illumination of the problem, that came shortly later. I sat on it for a few days before bringing it up to her, and she wasn't sure what to do with it, so it sits there waiting to be discussed as a distant hypothetical. Nonetheless, here's what I came up with:

I have a history with church programs.

I have a history of feeling called into parish/church ministry.

I have a longing to reconnect with a worshiping community.

I have a knowledge of church programming that could be a real asset to any church.

I have a fear of co-opting my wife's church.

See what I did there? I waiting until the very last second to snap the negative. All of the above statements are true--why would I lie? I don't know how much you know about me, so I'll shed a little light on what I'm bringing to the table here. For instance, I didn't start going to church until middle school, and that was because I wasn't brought up in a home that was openly religious. After my initiation into the church there were several walk-outs, where I left the church because of various reasons that don't need to be discussed. However, following these departures the drive, interest and longing never left. I thought I was going to be a pastor, and was going to start that journey right after high school. Needless to say I pushed my life in a different direction for a plethora of reasons. All the time the longing still held strong. I went on to study religion and human services in my undergraduate studies; worked with youth; did a year of work in a church; went back to academic youth work; and ultimately became a teacher. So what's the problem?

It isn't a problem yet.

It's a fear I have of the future.

We all know who really runs the church.

I don't want to be one of those people.

Yes, the church ladies run the church. I will say it until the day I die. Everybody agrees with me, except when in the presence of the church ladies. If you're not familiar with this happening it's fine, just know that there is a group of ladies in, almost, every church that goes about their business and subsequently that business is the church (for better, worse or their interests.) Now, do not get my words twisted here: I love the church ladies; We need the church ladies; I LOVE THE CHURCH LADIES! However, this is just an example of what I fear, in that in most cases those who run the church are not in leadership roles. It's the social aspects of the church that allows this to happen, but let me explain.

I am not currently seeking a rostered position in anybody's church--I don't want to be your pastor right now. There have been plenty of times in my life where this was my goal, I wanted to be a pastor to lead a church in the work of changing the world, but not right now. I want to be a teacher, mold minds of young people, and just pour life into those kids. However, the part of me that wants to be a pastor is still there, hanging out somewhere (heart? mind? soul?), and it pops its head up every once and a while. When this happens, I fear that I'm going to try to pull strings and live out my perceived calling to ministry through my wife.

She will have the power, position and resources to make ministry happen, since she will be a pastor. However, I don't. So, when I get a brilliant idea that I feel will make her church, ministry or life better I can use her power to make it happen, which is not the right thing. Now, on the surface of things, sharing ideas is not a bad thing--in fact I have all kinds of ideas about all kinds of things, so get at me if you need a brainstorming session! However, when one is in a loving, committed relationship, it becomes easy to gently guide them to your side of a battle, and take advantage of that relationship in order to make gains.

I'm not really sure what I'm talking about now. As I typed all of that out I kind of got the feeling like it wasn't making a whole lot of sense. So, to conclude that section, let's just say that I'm scared that my running away from vocational callings is going to backfire at some point as my wife takes her position at the head of the church. That's all of that for now!

In other news, more personal news, on a more positive note. I applied to be a speaker at my undergraduate alma mater and made it to the top 7 candidates! It was a really odd happening, and it really has nothing to do with my relationship with my wife or the church, however it kind of relates, and it's my blog so whatever!

It came in an e-mail a while ago, and it was an invitation to all alumni to apply to be speakers at a new event that they're trying to put together. It kind of game me the impression of a TEDtalk kind of format, where they invite speakers from different areas of life (alumni, faculty, staff and students) to share their insights on a variety of topics. Now, unlike the TED series, we were not expected to be experts in a particular field, just be connected to the institute and have good insights on the topics to be presented on. Needless to say I was clearly connected to the institute, having graduated with honors from there, but I wasn't sure my insights on their topics were that wonderful.

I cannot recall what all of the options were, but the one that really stuck out to me was discerning your life's purpose.

Really?

Why?

I have no idea what I could possibly say about this topic, so what do I do? I type up a 200 word proposal about what I could talk about: the theme and major points of what my presentation would be like. Naturally, I did not expect to be picked for the second round, but needless to say I was. This means, then, that I have to actually write up a presentation and pretend to be an expert on the topic of discernment. However, I say that knowing that the proposal was pretty solid and I gave myself a lot to work with. I would like to share that proposal with you now:

In order to discern one’s purpose in life there are several ways to go about it, but regardless of how many steps or processes it takes it generally boils down to three things: take chances, make mistakes, and get messy. Yes, this is the adventurous calling card of Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus fame, however it provides a firm foundation to begin an exploration of what it takes to discern one’s purpose in life. What follows is a basic synopsis of how each phrase from the book connects to the discernment process.

Take Chances: In order to discern one’s purpose in life, there is always going to be risk. Whether this risk is deciding between two options, or stepping out in faith to apply for a program or college. We will never be able to figure out what we’re supposed to do with our lives, if we do not first try things out or give it a shot.

Make Mistakes: Along with taking chances, we are bound to take a wrong turn along the way. However, we must remember that this is all a part of the process. There will be dead ends and detours along our paths that mislead and throw us off the path towards our purpose. This is one of the hardest things to grasp—it’s okay to make mistakes.

Get Messy: This is where the fun happens; as we journey toward fulfilling our purpose—amid the mistakes and the risks—we have to have fun and remember to enjoy life. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination, which means we must be mindful of all the opportunities to fulfill our life’s purpose, call or vocation.

To build on these, I will provide personal anecdotes that illustrate how the process can work.

 I don't think this is the official copy--I did a little editing since it was a professional submission--but you get the idea. Essentially, I just have to fill in the gaps with real stories that explain how my chances, mistakes and messes have allowed me to get to this point in my life. Sharing things with you; making more mistakes, taking more chances, and living with more mess.

It's pretty magical if you think about it. Even though the two halves of this post seem unrelated, I feel as if they connect more than meets the eye. However, I"m just going to leave it up to you to determine what you get out of it. I put it out there, you decide!

Until next time I leave you with this:

God Bless,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband

The Long Road // New Adventures

Hey you!

It's been a while, again!

I know I've been dropping the ball as of late, but if you do the math I'm technically right on track. I had 2 posts 2 weeks ago; missed last Sunday; and here I am again. It all works out in the end, besides nobody was harping me to get something done, so I've been in "vacation mode" for the past few days. It needs to end though, I don't do vacation's well and it's starting to ware on me. However, that's neither here nor there.

Since the last time I wrote something, not a lot has happened in terms of life progressing; at least nothing that I can really talk about yet. It's one of those things, where I am sworn to official secrecy until things are completely set in stone--right now their just kind of hovering above the ground ready to be set. So, what's the point?

I can't update you.

I don't really have anything new to say.

I'm ready for new adventures.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death, but I don't want to be a burden on them; nor do I really want to be living my life under their roof at 29 years old. We're making do; we're having fun; we're relaxing; we're doing all the things one might do on a vacation. I've been keeping up with my reading challenge, which was touch and go there for a while. I sit around the house, go to the grocery store for my mom, and I let the dog out.

Welcome to my life!

The time is coming, though, when we will begin new adventures. I can't say for sure when, where, how or anything really, but know that there is news hovering just beyond our horizon. The reason I can't say anything is because something could go wrong between now and then; and apparently the whole church is sworn to secrecy until official announcements are made. It's really bizarre that when something good happens on your journey you can't tell people; those who care about us, and are keeping tabs on us want to know what's happening. Whatever. I'll follow the rules as best I can, but am willing to divulge details in private, if you really want to know!

In other news...

I'm really at a loss right now. I wanted this to be powerful and moving; or at least on par with all the others, but there isn't really anything to say. I've come up against a wall of sorts and have really stalled out in life. I want to read and research other theological perspectives, specifically those representing people of color; I want to finish up my reading challenge for the year (200 books); I want to move on with life and find a job; I want to get out from under my parents' feet again; I want to be more physically active; and the list really goes on for a long time. Have I accomplished anything? Not really.

I've read some books (several trips to the local library have helped).

I have a Desmond Tutu book sitting on the table, waiting to be read.

I have the good news floating about there that can't really be grasped (this is where the new adventures are).

I went on a walk once, which took me to the library.

So, really this has been a time of sloth, both mental and physical. Some would say that this is important every once and a while, to take a step back and regroup. However, for me I can deal with like 2 days and then I need to get back in the game, but it's been just over 2 weeks and I'm losing my mind.

I don't do vacation very well, and it's a problem.

Oh, but wait, there is something important to tell you! We've officially been married for 6 months and 1 day as of this post! We're nowhere near done with our journey, but we have weathered a lot of stormy weather so far, and there is probably a lot more to come, bu we're doing it! As a result of this adventure, I have to say that it has been hard! We have crammed so many transitions, tough decisions, questions, answers, fights, settlements, arguments, and life into the first 6 months of our marriage that the first year will, hopefully, be the hardest one. Once we get settled into for that initial call 3-5 years, we will, hopefully, have a firmer grasp on how we want to live life together--probably not, but hopefully!

Granted, the next 6 months will be full of more transitions, settlements, arguments, and much of the same. This is because it's going to look a lot like the first 6 months, except we'll be doing everything as a team this time. At first she was at the school, living in her house, supported by her friends/family, and then I joined the party and we had to figured out how I fit into her system (see previous posts for more details). However, now we're in it together: we'll be moving to a new city; we'll be working in new a new city; she'll be a pastor, and I'll probably be a substitute teacher, unless I can get a full time gig; we'll be searching for housing together; we'll be settling in; we'll be starting our life together-together for the first time.

It's going to be crazy, but in the end this is what we have been working towards. It's just that you always feel prepared until the time comes to do the work. It's like you get "life jitters" every time a new decision has to be made, and it's scary. The other thing that scares me too is that I'm not going to fit in with the new life that will be my wife's vocation. I've only been with her as a student, and there for a time she was an intern at a camp, but never as a gainfully employed person living out her calling in the world. Am I qualified to support her? Am I capable of supporting her? Am I capable of living my calling in the world along side her doing the same? Am I really supposed to be a teacher? Am I supposed to be doing something else? What am I doing? There are so many questions that remain unanswered, because there's no way to know for sure until the rubber hits the road and we start the next phase of our life.

I have toyed with doing other things with my life: local meat shop owner, bus/van minister, pastor, teacher, writer, spoken word artist, and sometimes even father. Now, there is nothing to say that all of these things have to operate independently of each other. I am writing right now, applying for teacher positions in a community school, have done performance poetry before, and so I've hit a lot of these, just not at the same exact time. I think this is the power in the idea of being multi-vocational too. I don't have to just be anything, I can be whatever I want as long as I feel called to do it. I just need to actually apply myself to those things that are most important to me... which is the thing I got from a book I started yesterday and quit. It isn't about needing more time, it's about using our time more wisely for the important things--being busy doesn't mean we're being godly.

Now that I've moved away from anything really meaningful--although I think there is something forming just below the surface. There are so many things I want to say; things I feel I need to say; but fear that this isn't the proper place. Even though this is my blog, and like I've said before everything that I write about has to do with my life, and I'm becoming a pastor's husband. Nonetheless, I have not yet found the line in the sand as far as content goes. There is another blog I have that has been fore more theological/god stuff, but I don't know... we'll see what happens.

Let us pray:

Most gracious heavenly host. Thank-you for the time you have provided us on this planet. Each day is really something to be treasured, since we know not when our time will run out. So, I come to you this evening for a booster shot. It is times like these where I feel I could use a little pick-me-up: I feel tired, unmotivated, and lost in the world and could use your help. There are so many things going on in the world that it is a real struggle to even start doing your work in the world. I don't know where to start, so I just sit idly by and watch as thing slowly slip by. Give me that boost, that shot of energy, to pick my cross back up and continue the march toward glory. I need you!

Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband

Some Truths // The Bonus You Didn't Know You Wanted

Hello friends.

It's me again.

It's Thursday, not Sunday.

Surprise!

I don't really know what is driving my fingers to put these words to the screen, but it's here and it's operating behind the scenes. So, it is what it is. I just wanted to get some things out there that have been unsaid, specifically things that have been brought up in conversation with the Mrs. and thoughts that I've had been holding on to while we journey forward together. Things are changing for us, and there are fears, thoughts and passions that are understated in the words that have been shared with you thus far.

Glimpses have been given to some of the "behind the scenes" happenings in our lives, but it's been pretty quiet in terms of sharing with you--our faithful readers or whatever. However, this is not going to be a tell-all post, because I don't do that. Everybody is entitled to their secrets, and some things are strictly "Don't need to know." So, with that being laid out for you, here comes something!

As you may have known up until now, my wife has been on the interview circuit for a while now: 5 interviews; 4 rejections; 1 upcoming.

It's been a journey, and we're not done yet. We travel to another interview tomorrow afternoon and the outlook is much the same as the previous ones: they're on record for denying a candidate for the lack of experience, which is the same as all the other rejections that we have gotten. However, it's just another hoop that we're jumping through before we can, hopefully, position ourselves to get a better footing in the world of church jobs. The question I have is, what gives? Why are these churches being allowed to interview people who they are just going to reject?

Yes, they tell the bishop's office that they are willing to entertain a first call pastoral candidate on the off chance that they might like them, but chances are they're looking for somebody who is a 2nd, 3rd, 10th call pastor instead of somebody who has just graduated and looking to change the world. It's crap!

Yes, there is something to wanting somebody with experience, I get it; however don't say you're willing to take a first call pastor if you're just going to tell them no. Granted, this doesn't really work in our favor because the other 2 first call pastoral candidates have gotten jobs in the same synod, so that changes the question to "What's wrong with us?" Even though everybody in positions of power and comfort tell us that it's a spirit thing, that we have to wait for the "right fit," that we just have to be patient, that it's not because she's a female. It's crap! There is something going on here and it's not nice. Almost all of her classmates have jobs already, males and females a like; all in the Midwest; all same spot in their ministry experience; we're the ones without a job. Why?

I don't know.

I want to know.

I want my wife to find a job.

I want to find a job.

Truth #1: The system is broken, and there's nothing I can do to help her out!

I'm getting tired of small, farm communities. Almost all of the interviews we have had are in communities that meet that description head on: maybe a grocery store, a gas station, and a library. Everybody drives 30+ minutes to the larger town nearby for work, real stores and most other resources. The last one we were at told us that it's really not that far to the larger city centers, which meant that it was about 40 minutes in three directions to a town that had a restaurant of any sort. These communities have a school, which serves at least 2 different townships; most of them serve more than that, some up to 4 or 5 different communities. They tell me how well behaved the students are, how they always need substitute teachers, and how there are 3 similar districts right around the immediate community--just in case there weren't any opportunities for me there. Peachy!

Now, do not get my words twisted about. I have nothing against farmers, small communities, or even the idea of commuting to work every day for over 30 minutes. If that is the life that you want to live, then I give you my blessing and wish you the best of luck against the deer and raccoons.

Not for me.

Not now; not ever.

I love the concrete jungle.

I need resources: Burger King, McDonald's, Hy-Vee, Wal-Mart, Target, Museums, etc.

In conversation with my wife, we have talked about some of these things. She is willing, capable and semi-called to do rural ministry, and for us here that means small farm communities. I, on the other hand, am an urban creature by habit and lifestyle. I spent time in Des Moines, Milwaukee, Dubuque, and even the Twin Cities of Minnesota--loved it.

The diversity.

The people.

The cultures.

The options.

In the cities, if I wanted to walk around and see things I could. There were plenty of places to loiter, lean, and walk around that was adventerous and different. I could ride the city transit from one side of the city to the other without any real issue. I could listen to a million different musical acts from a million different genres at any given corner. It holds a sense of magic and majesty to me. There is something about the concrete jungle that draws me out of my shell, and makes me want to live more fully. Even though I've never fully embraced the urban life, I feel as if it's where I feel called to serve; my mission field is the city--not the country. I have played along, rather nicely I think, with the idea of being willing to work in a small community school district, but I don't know that this is where I'm supposed to be. Is it a good fit for me? I'm not sold.

I'm kind of thinking I might be the problem we haven't gotten a job yet... it's not right for me!

Not a good fit.

Not the right space.

Not the right place.

No good for me.

Truth #2: City of die!

So, even though I'm not really sure where we are, ultimately, going to end up there is a lot of journey to take place between now and then. As of late, we have hit some rough patches and are trying to make the best of it. If it weren't for the love of our friends and families, I'm not sure what we would be doing right now. Even though we are not exactly the most thrilled couple in the world, we have a roof over our head, food in our bellies and are residing with people who are willing to put up with us as we traverse the crazy that is this journey.

Yes, I'm a 29-year old man, and my wife and I have moved in with my parents. I called them up as we were figuring out what we were going to do and asked if we could stay with them for a little while instead of forking over $800+ a month for rent. They agreed, so here we are--with my parents, in the room that I did a lot of growing up in (kept the same for times like this). We put most of our stuff in a storage unit and moved the essentials into my parents house. Thank God for parents who love you enough to put up with you, especially at almost 30 years old.

To make things just a little worse, this is the 3rd time I've had to move home, granted the first time doing so with a wife. It doesn't make me feel good. I don't want to have to be "that guy," who lives with his parents. I even told my wife that while we were driving back from the latest interview. We had had words that morning and then we were "talking it out" on the way home and I told her flat out that I feel like a failure because of the situation we're in.

I'm the "man."

I want to "take care" of my family.

She deserves better than this.

It's my job?

I don't buy into the complimentary belief system of relationships--the one where there are specific jobs based on gender and such--but as a male in the modern American society, I am trained to believe that I am responsible for the well-being of my family, which at this point is just my wife and I. I failed her by making us move in with my parents, instead of what? I'm not really sure what the alternative would be. We could have stayed in our house and ran out of money; We could have sought part time jobs and left in 2 weeks; We could have lived in her CRV down by the river. I know she will say that it's okay, that we're not living her forever (no offense to my parents, but that would be awful), and the process will work out soon enough. However, that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a man-failure. I have let my fellow husbands, men, brothers and sons down!

It's absurd I know. We all have our lumps to deal with, especially when you have to jump through systemic hoops that are not designed to help you out as the seeker of opportunity.

Truth #3: You can't fail if you continue to try!

I was once told I was good at conducting the prayers at the church I worked out... so let's pray shall we?

Here's a prayer that I'll let you use, if you want:

Most gracious God, we come to you in need to comfort and support. So many of us are dealing with things that only you can comprehend, and we need solace. We need your hand to come down and shelter us from the turmoil of the sea that is life. My brothers and sisters of color are dealing with violence, death and all matter of things that I cannot begin to comprehend--be with them, comfort them, whisper those sweet nothings into their hearts that will give them a little rest from the turmoil that has engulfed their lives.

We also lift up those who are seeking a higher purpose for their lives. Those of us who seek to do your work in the world, but lack the opportunity or direction to make our mark in the world. There are things in our way that we cannot seem to find a way around, through or over... we seek your hand to give us a boost: energy, strength, knowledge and heart! In the recesses of our brains we are losing hope, and we need that pick-me-up so we can live out the longings of our hearts. In all corners of the world; in all communities; in all hearts there is a longing to make this world a better place... give us the tools we need to see it through.

I don't have names; I don't have specific requests; but the things that go unspoken, but are laid heavy on our hearts are lifted up before you as well. There is a pain in this world; there is a hurt, a void, that needs to be filled with the love that only you can bestow upon us. You, who calmed the seas, who provided for the masses, who healed the sick, and guided the lost back to their home, we call upon you do continue this work and more--to empower us to do the same. We are called yours, we are sent into the world to make it whole again, empower us from the inside out to do just that.

We come to you humbly in the name of the lord.

Amen.

Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband

At The Core // New Adventures Begin

Hello.

Are you there?

I'm back.

Did you miss me?

I didn't post anything last week, and I was late the week before, but what are you going to do? Life happens, and sometimes we need some time to sit, think, and figure out what comes next. That's what's been going on lately. Some sitting, some thinking, some figuring, and new adventures. I didn't want you to think that I've forgotten about you, so I decided I was going to right this ship and write something meaningful and purposeful for you all this week(end). It might be a little longer, but it could be short. At the end will also be an update on how things are progressing (or whatever) for the two of us on our collective journey. So, without further ado, here comes something...

For starters, the last post I put up here got a lot of reactions, mostly good. The readers of that post were both concerned and interested in my thoughts pertaining to the area of spousal support/communication in valued circles--or whatever you want to call it. There was also some concern about me fitting into the community, and some praise for my writing and a longing for me to continue doing so. With all of that going on, it became hard for me to concentrate at the task at hand, which is just writing things down for the sake of people to read it and for me to get it out into the universe. So, that's why I took a week off. I was going to write something last week, but it just got away from me in the great swirl of life. however I was posed with a question to reflect on, which has served to refocus this, and make me think about what I'm trying to do.

If you you haven't read it, it's okay, but in a few posts ago I present the struggle of staying true to the this project: documenting the journey/life of a pastor's husband, but still being true to myself and allowing myself to live my life as an individual as well. It was this struggle that became the focus of my thoughts over the past week, and for that I thank my friend who messaged me on the Facebook. Here's what they said to me (re-posted with permission from the messenger):

I read your blog and have a question for you. Is your frustration with not being a part or having people give you the time you think you deserve a facet of being a pastor's husband or is it just the most recent manifestation of a reoccurring feeling? Interested to hear your thoughts.

 To this I had to take a few days to really think about it in order to reply to them in a way that I felt was thoughtful and true to the relationship that I have with the person who posed the question. This has been on my mind for the days following the delivery of the message, even after I responded adequately enough for them not to respond back. (Way to go me!)

Nonetheless, in response to this question I had to take a step back and look at what I was doing with my life and this project. So, here's what I came up with:

1. Yes.
2. It's both.
3. This problem is not unique to being a pastor's spouse of either gender.
4. Is this project about being a pastor's husband or is deeper than that?
5. Yes.

In summation, I feel as if this is a good question to ask myself, because there have been several times throughout my life where community has been an issue, and it's only recently that I have been journeying towards being a pastor's husband. So, these frustrations that I have presented with not belonging are not new--they're old as dirt.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should read the previous post "A little bit of me..." This will clear up any confusion that you may have right now. However, if this is the case it isn't my fault that you haven't been tracking along, and you should probably just start from the beginning.

Nonetheless, I also concluded that this is not a unique situation for a pastor's spouse (of any gender). It can, in fact, be generalized to anybody who is connected to a person in a field/occupation. There will always be circles for us to run in: pastors, teachers, engineers, doctors, lawyers, athletes, nerds, star wars fans, star trek fans, etc. Anything you can possibly have to talk about can work to create an in-group and an out-group. This isn't necessarily a bad thing--we have our interests and want to talk to people about those things that are interesting--in fact it's one of the quickest ways to form a community of sorts. The issue I have is when the spouse, or out-group member of any sort, gets pulled to social gatherings where there is no opportunity for them to participate in the in-group.

I don't need you to talk for me.

I don't need you to answer questions for me.

I can stand on my own.

I can keep up with their theological discourse... if I want to.

It's just a matter of being offered the chance, which seems to be something that I'm not very good at creating or being offered. My wife knows that I have theological chops, and can keep pace with most of those out there. I mean I've been toying with the idea of being a pastor myself for over 10 years now, so I got the power. However, the issue becomes how does one go about breaking into that in-group? I have no idea, and my wife doesn't really know how to open the door for me either. That's one of the issues with my personality: it's starts cold and takes a minute to warm up. I don't do well with quick/impersonal interactions with people. It takes me a little while to get to the point where I can freely converse with people, but it's a two-way street.

I can talk for myself.

I have ideas, opinions and thoughts to share.

I can keep pace with your conversation.

That's not the core...

So, with all of the people said, I feel myself slipping away from the original intent of this piece, which was this:

As much as I want this to be about me figuring out what it means to be, what it's like to be, and how to handle being a pastor's husband. It's deeper than that; It's more complicated that that; It's really about how to be a good husband first and then worrying about the pastoral stuff later. It's about living life together with my wife in a way that creates love, shows love, and supports both of our discerned paths through this life (together and apart). This, my friends and readers, is what is at the core of this.

Now, the question still remains, though, what do I do with this blog? I think, for now I'm going to keep posting things such as this: new insights, challenges, questions, concerns and responses to those of you who wish to engage me in conversation (if you want). It's all connected to the same end game, plus it's my blog so I can create space for anything. As long as it connects back to being a pastor's husband in some fashion, I do not foresee any real issues... not that it would bother me anyway.

Moving on.

In other news, my wife's journey keeps getting more complicated and I can't really help her out any. Here's the latest, just in case you haven't been paying attention to the Facebook or ask us how we're doing on the regular (you know who you are!):

1. She has talked to the office a few times, trying to ascertain what she can do in order to secure a job.
2. She has talked to the coordinator of the region, trying to ascertain what she can do in order to secure a job.
3. She has two interviews set-up for this upcoming week (Monday & Friday)
4. She has to finish these interviews before the coordinator can release her name to the larger region, rather than the specific synod (granted one of these churches doesn't snag her up [which would be the smart thing]).
5. I have updated my teacher application: new resume, cover letter, reference letters etc.
6. I have put a pause on my reading goal for the year (hovering at just over 100 read so far).
7. I have left my position on the maintenance team at the school.
8. I am righting the blog ship as you read this very line.
9. We have moved out of the campus house that was ours for the past 5.5 months (give or take a few days).
10. We have moved in with my parents for the time being (I don't know what my life would be without them--wait, yes I do, nothing!)
11. We are quickly losing hope that the synod that we have been assigned to has jobs for us.
12. We are holding out hope that everybody who has prophesied good things for our life were mainlining God and can see that the light at the end of this tunnel is not a train.

So, we have been busy with all sorts of things, but the journey continues. We're hoping for a good result for one of these interview, but at the same time if the past has been any indication it doesn't look good. Beyond that, our hope lies in the region, but if that fails us (which it shouldn't) we are looking at going through re-assignment in September, which will mean she goes back to square one and gets replaced in a region and then synod all over again. We are aware that the system works, but like all system there are spots where a lot of overhauling could be done.

I'm not a super positive person by nurture, and some nature, so there is no telling what I might be thinking about this stuff in an hour, let alone in a week. I will keep you all apprised with what happens, especially if it's good. However, like stated above, our track record with this synod hasn't been very good and we're not holding a lot of hope that these 2 interviews will be any different.

So, with all of that being said...

Thank-you.

Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband