There comes a time, I think, in every husband's life when he stands next to his wife and wants to fight for her. At least this has been happening to me over the past couple of weeks. You see, as we progress in this call process I am my wife's biggest supporter. It is her vocation, her calling, her passion. I want to see her succeed and am willing to whatever it takes to get her there. However, the question becomes, what can I do?
She is following the protocol and systems for acquiring a job: she has been through the paperwork; gone through the initial interviews and got approved to pursue her vocation; and now is interviewing for jobs. That's what it takes to become a pastor in her system, and she's on the verge of crossing over to the gainfully employed sector. However, we have come up against the unspoken rules and regulations that society has put in her path. Such things as gender stereotypes, political/social conservatism, corporate word smith(ing), and a lot of unknowns. None of these things can be overcome by me as her support system.
I can stand by her, encourage her, tell her she's go it. However, that doesn't change the fact that I feel powerless to help her gain any footing in the world that she feels called to. I can go to the interviews with her in order to show support and feel out the people associated with the church, but I can't change the way the bishops act towards her, the words that are said to her, nor change the fact that some people "don't like women leaders."
It kills me inside.
I want to fight for her. I want her to get a job. I want her to be done with the politics of finding a job. I'm a selfish husband.
I sometimes feel as if I want her to fight as hard as I feel I would be if I were in her position. At least that's how I was feeling this morning. I wanted her to call up the person who's job it is to work with the First Call Pastoral Candidates and blast them for answers: where are all of the interviews she might need; what did they have in mind for her; if they don't have a position for a female pastor, why did they pull her to the synod? There have been a lot of words conveyed to me, second hand, that made it seem like the systems and practices in place were there to support the candidates, but as we progress through the process more it doesn't seem like the support is really there. Where is the help?
It got worse over the past week as we tried to get a hold of the people in charge just to find out that they were on vacation--out of the office until Tuesday. Perfect timing.
Nonetheless the wheels keep turning and we keep moving forward. Hopefully closer to a job for her, which ultimately means a job for me. I would, though, like to go back to the idea of her fighting as hard as I would be in her position. This is one the areas where I get pretty upset when I here the words and see the actions working against my wife.
Being a female, seeking ordination as a pastor, and being assigned to Iowa should be a no brainer, right? Wrong. Apparently, the way the system works is the people in charge of your region/synod fight for you to join their team--I'm really unclear as to how it all works--and they present the candidates with the idea that they have something specific in mind for each of the candidates. This, essentially, means a job. Fine. Then we meet with the people in charge and they get talking about the various churches in the area, and start crossing off potential job sites due to a number of reasons: problematic histories, disrespect of female leadership, a ways off in terms of being ready for a new pastor, and the list continues. Now, this normally wouldn't be an issue until suddenly out of all the possible church placements we only get 3 interviews, while her colleague in ministry has 5+ interviews set-up, what's the difference? Interest and gender--her colleague is a male. There are more potential opportunities for a white male than there are a white female in the system.
This is where I find myself now. We have had three interviews: a yes, a now and a maybe-so (on our end). Had one rejection, and are awaiting words from the "maybe-so," church which could be a couple weeks out. What do I do? How do I fight for my wife's well being in her vocation? I know the answer is less complicated than I want to make it, but it's hard. I am going to stand by her through all of this; continue seeking prayers, positive mojo, and thoughts from all of our beloved friends and family; and keep working. Unless of course somebody has a better idea... do you have any ideas? Let me know in the comments, on Facebook, via e-mail, via text message, or however you can! I know my wife is capable of leading any church, it's just a matter of finding the one that is "The Right Place," which was the slogan of the township we just interviewed in. So, here's hoping, praying, thinking and wishing that something is just beyond the horizon for us. She graduates in a few weeks, and it would be awesome to have something lined up for shortly after that... but everything has a place in time--it may not be our time, but time nonetheless.
The fight continues. I love my wife and can't wait to see her fulfill her dreams, which allows me to fulfill mine.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Andy J. Graves
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Speak Truth With Love, Always.
I originally posted this piece on my G-Bull Ministries blog, but it's natural habitat is here. Enjoy! ~Andy
Lesson 1: Communication is key!
Objective: Communicate better.
Learning Targets
Like I said in the previous post, eventually these will be in their own blog. However, I have to come up with a good name for it so that it can be a worthwhile project. So, until then, they will get lost in the mess that is the G-Bull Blog. Oh well!
This installment comes to you from a place of reflection, regret, and anger. It isn't necessarily connected to the idea of being a pastor's husband, but it happened and I'm becoming a Pastor's husband, so I figured what better place to put this than here, right? I don't know. I just needed to write something and it's been on my mind since yesterday so I figured I would tie it all together in a nice little package for somebody to possibly read.
I ran away from home yesterday.
No, I didn't back my bag and disappear to the end of the drive way for 10 minutes.
No, I didn't become a homeless vagabond riding trains across the country.
No, I didn't stay gone forever.
My wife and I got into a verbal altercation and I left the house.
I grabbed my keys; I got into my car; I drove away.
I ran away from home; I ran away from the fight; I ran away from my wife.
This is what I do when things get tricky. I get mad, I yell, I curse, and I leave. Eventually I come back and things get smoothed over, but the question remains what is going on that such things can happen. Why does the smoothing out not relinquish the boiling under the surface? I don't know. It never feels like anything is ever settled; we play nice, apologize and seemingly move on, but everything is just on the surface. Where is the digging? Where is the need for resolution, real resolution? I don't think there is any--not yet anyway.
I realize that writing this out, before actually talking to my wife about this may seem backward to most people. [No, we haven't talked about anything yet.] However, it allows me to pull way the emotion, the raw feeling of the situation, and take a closer look at the meat of the issue. However, I also feel like there is a lesson to be learned here, which is where I really want to go and focus most of our time. The story will probably come out in the paragraphs that come, but I really want to focus on the lesson I am beginning to learn, and here it is: Communication is Key!
Today's lesson then, is brought to us by our friends at "Talking Works!"
To be honest, I don't really know what brought about the yelling yesterday. I was sitting on the love seat, and we were talking about getting stuff done, which has been an ongoing--albeit one-sided--conversation for a while now. Then, I got really mad, started yelling, and left the house. Granted, there was more to it than that, but this will do for now... You see, the issue I feel we are having is not having figured out how to live with each other yet; which means we haven't talked about anything in a meaningful way.
Had we sat down and really talked about what it means to be under the same roof, sharing responsibilities, taking care of each other than our selves, things could be different. There are always assumptions made about the other people: priorities, coping strategies, time lines, operations, systems. There is so much that goes into conducting a meaningful relationship that gets swept up into assumptions about what is important. This issue, then, is compounded toward difficult when facing a series of transitional phases: getting married, moving in together, working, getting a new job, packing, moving, garage sale preparations, family reunions, marriage invites, event invites, all the while still trying to build a life together.
There is no excuse. We just drop the ball on a regular basis.
I talk all the time without saying anything.
She doesn't talk that much, which is the same as not saying anything.
We sit on the couches recounting the days events: How was your day?
We eat dinner and talk about nonsensical things that got brought up in class today.
We go to bed without saying much of anything.
We reflect on the fact that we still don't have any more information about the next phase of life.
We do a lot of talking around things without really connecting in a meaningful level.
Yesterday was no different. I was talking around a lot of things:
I hate to tell you, but my wife is not like me and that's a good thing. However, I haven't taken the time to figure out just what that means. I know she's different, but how? why? where? when? There is a lot of pertinent information that's missing from my picture of her, which means we can't paint a picture of us--we can't be an us without everybody being adequately portrayed in the image.
Her spot is blank.
She isn't in the picture.
It's all me; all the time.
How can I fully support her in her vocational call of being a pastor if I can't talk to her, if I don't know what she needs from me now? We are transitioning into the ministry together, but we have to figure out life together first; we have to talk about things!
So, there is more to this than I am letting on, but for the time being this will have to suffice. We have to communicate with our partners, otherwise we'll never truly progress to the lives we are capable of having together. Yes, it's hard to know just what to say, but if you don't try you'll never become better. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Tip: Write things down!
We need to learn to speak truth with love: love for ourselves; love for others; and love for the world! When we can do that, the world will truly become a better place!
Lesson 1: Communication is key!
Objective: Communicate better.
Learning Targets
- Open mouth
- Say words; mean them
- Speak truth
- Speak love
- Listen; Respond; Ask
- Wait
- Repeat
Like I said in the previous post, eventually these will be in their own blog. However, I have to come up with a good name for it so that it can be a worthwhile project. So, until then, they will get lost in the mess that is the G-Bull Blog. Oh well!
This installment comes to you from a place of reflection, regret, and anger. It isn't necessarily connected to the idea of being a pastor's husband, but it happened and I'm becoming a Pastor's husband, so I figured what better place to put this than here, right? I don't know. I just needed to write something and it's been on my mind since yesterday so I figured I would tie it all together in a nice little package for somebody to possibly read.
I ran away from home yesterday.
No, I didn't back my bag and disappear to the end of the drive way for 10 minutes.
No, I didn't become a homeless vagabond riding trains across the country.
No, I didn't stay gone forever.
My wife and I got into a verbal altercation and I left the house.
I grabbed my keys; I got into my car; I drove away.
I ran away from home; I ran away from the fight; I ran away from my wife.
This is what I do when things get tricky. I get mad, I yell, I curse, and I leave. Eventually I come back and things get smoothed over, but the question remains what is going on that such things can happen. Why does the smoothing out not relinquish the boiling under the surface? I don't know. It never feels like anything is ever settled; we play nice, apologize and seemingly move on, but everything is just on the surface. Where is the digging? Where is the need for resolution, real resolution? I don't think there is any--not yet anyway.
I realize that writing this out, before actually talking to my wife about this may seem backward to most people. [No, we haven't talked about anything yet.] However, it allows me to pull way the emotion, the raw feeling of the situation, and take a closer look at the meat of the issue. However, I also feel like there is a lesson to be learned here, which is where I really want to go and focus most of our time. The story will probably come out in the paragraphs that come, but I really want to focus on the lesson I am beginning to learn, and here it is: Communication is Key!
Today's lesson then, is brought to us by our friends at "Talking Works!"
To be honest, I don't really know what brought about the yelling yesterday. I was sitting on the love seat, and we were talking about getting stuff done, which has been an ongoing--albeit one-sided--conversation for a while now. Then, I got really mad, started yelling, and left the house. Granted, there was more to it than that, but this will do for now... You see, the issue I feel we are having is not having figured out how to live with each other yet; which means we haven't talked about anything in a meaningful way.
Had we sat down and really talked about what it means to be under the same roof, sharing responsibilities, taking care of each other than our selves, things could be different. There are always assumptions made about the other people: priorities, coping strategies, time lines, operations, systems. There is so much that goes into conducting a meaningful relationship that gets swept up into assumptions about what is important. This issue, then, is compounded toward difficult when facing a series of transitional phases: getting married, moving in together, working, getting a new job, packing, moving, garage sale preparations, family reunions, marriage invites, event invites, all the while still trying to build a life together.
There is no excuse. We just drop the ball on a regular basis.
I talk all the time without saying anything.
She doesn't talk that much, which is the same as not saying anything.
We sit on the couches recounting the days events: How was your day?
We eat dinner and talk about nonsensical things that got brought up in class today.
We go to bed without saying much of anything.
We reflect on the fact that we still don't have any more information about the next phase of life.
We do a lot of talking around things without really connecting in a meaningful level.
We talk around things, rather than about things.
Yesterday was no different. I was talking around a lot of things:
- I don't know what her priorities are
- I don't know how she copes with life
- I don't know what she expects of me
- I don't know...
I hate to tell you, but my wife is not like me and that's a good thing. However, I haven't taken the time to figure out just what that means. I know she's different, but how? why? where? when? There is a lot of pertinent information that's missing from my picture of her, which means we can't paint a picture of us--we can't be an us without everybody being adequately portrayed in the image.
Her spot is blank.
She isn't in the picture.
It's all me; all the time.
How can I fully support her in her vocational call of being a pastor if I can't talk to her, if I don't know what she needs from me now? We are transitioning into the ministry together, but we have to figure out life together first; we have to talk about things!
So, there is more to this than I am letting on, but for the time being this will have to suffice. We have to communicate with our partners, otherwise we'll never truly progress to the lives we are capable of having together. Yes, it's hard to know just what to say, but if you don't try you'll never become better. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Tip: Write things down!
One of the reasons I like writing things so much is because it allows for a free association of thought. The words flow from my brain, through my fingers, and onto the page (electronic or otherwise). When trying to communicate with others, I feel that it is easier to write things down, because there is less social pressure. You're not looking into their eyes, while you try to formulate your thoughts. However, once you get your thoughts down on paper, your task is only half complete. You still need to share them with the other person involved with the situation. How do you do this? Read it out loud! More often than now, your thoughts on paper will provide a foundation for conversation, and you'll have bought yourself some time to formulate new thoughts. It will provide the other with a means of hearing what was on your mind without allowing them to "jump down your throat" before getting your complete thought out.I know there is more I could say, but I always feel as if saying too much bogs down the process. I need to be more succinct, but that's another day. Hopefully if you made it this far you've found something worthwhile in my words. If not, sorry you wasted your time. I can't promise that I'm going to get better at this, but I'm going to try. That's all we can really do, and until we start really trying to change the way we do life; we can only blame ourselves for the way it turns out.
In today's fast paced world, we have lost the art of listening, as well. So, slow down and really take in what the other people are saying. Ask questions. Respond with your own thoughts. Always easier said than done, but again, it takes practice. We will not learn to be good communicators over night, but we'll never be anything if we don't try.
We need to learn to speak truth with love: love for ourselves; love for others; and love for the world! When we can do that, the world will truly become a better place!
"First Husband" of the Year.
I originally posted this on my G-Bull Ministry blog, but it's natural habitat is here. Please enjoy! ~Andy
For many years now I have toyed with the idea of writing a book. I helped "self-publish" a science tome for my master's program (I doubt it was every actually published, since I gave it my my professor to finish up); however I've also struggled with my ability to sit down and consistently write anything. There have been many attempts to write a variety of blogs: a list-o-mania blog, a year of awesome blog, a series of poems in a notebook, a weekly challenge to write anything at all.
Needless to say none of these has really manifested any sort of success. Why?
I don't believe in myself as a writer, as a hobbyist, or even as an intellectual. I have so many thoughts and conversations with my wife throughout the course of a week, there is plenty of material available for me to write page after page of blog each week. However, whenever I make an attempt at setting myself up for such a project, it never pans out; then I get upset at myself when I remember that I was supposed to working on said project, but haven't gotten anything done for it in over a month. So, what's the point? Why am I putting this piece up on the G-Bull blog? Where is this going?
To be honest, it will probably end up in the same places that all of my other ideas, thoughts, projects and such have ended up--nowhere. It's much bigger this time though; there is more at stake than merely writing some random blog posts about random happenings. I have said similar things before, especially when I was preparing to do the letter writing campaign, and The August Collection. Both of those projects were much larger than myself: with the letters, they were sent out to 30 different people, hand written, and touched the lives of those who got them; The August Collection was a writing exercise that tapped the creative minds of people and I wrote every day for the month, giving credit back to the creative minds that pushed me to get it done. How does it get bigger than that? What could I possibly be talking about?
Well, here comes the Jesus sauce. Not for me to drink, nor for you to drink unless you want, but nonetheless what is about to happen can be traced back to the Jesus regardless if you drink the kool-aid or not. Here's what I'm talking about:
As some of you may know, I got married in January, and my wife is on the verge of becoming a rostered leader in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA)--basically she's becoming a female pastor. Now, I know there are plenty of denominations, religious sects, and people in general who do not feel as if this is the good and proper place for a female in the church, but this is not about that. This is about me. My story. My position in the world that I have signed up to be a part of. You're probably confused as to what I'm talking about so, let me lay it out for you! I'm really just dragging this out to pump out more words of written work, since I've not done so in quite a while!
Here's the situation. Historically men were pastors and the wives of these men were labeled "First Ladies." They were the second in command for a lot of the churches regardless of their interest or abilities in the world of running/conducting church business. Often times the congregation looked to the first lady as a second pastor, even if they did not feel as if a woman should be in a position of power within the church: they were supposed to know everything about the church, all of the happenings of the church, schedule everything, hold the pastor accountable, and basically run the show from a position of no power in the church. You see, though, the ELCA is one of those groups who feels as if women are fully capable and called by God to serve as leaders in the church. So, the question becomes what happens when a woman is elevated to pastor, but she subsequently has a husband who is not a part of the church? What becomes of the "First Husband," if you will?
This is where my search has began. As my wife progresses toward fulfilling her call as a pastor, where does that leave me? Yes, I have my calling to fulfill as an elementary school teacher, possibly a writer, maybe a poet, and whatever else I might find to fill my time. But regardless of how I fill my time, my wife will still be the leader of a church, which is an organic, needy and always watchful organism that has the tendency to envelop entire families. Just like when the "first ladies" of the church get wrapped into the daily affairs of the church, so too can the "first husbands," right? Will the little church ladies expect the strong husband to fix things around the church? Will they look to the husband to quell the power of his wife in the church? What does it look like to be the husband of a pastor in the ELCA? These are the questions that are stuck in my head. This is where I want to jump into the depths of research and experience in order to figure out what I might be getting myself into.
I went to the internet to try to find out what others have experienced, but found very little. It's mostly blogs and articles about how to keep your wife in check, and the role of women in the church. There were a few articles that sought the insights of husbands of female pastors who were in church leadership themselves. This doesn't work for me. My wife is going to fulfill her call to the best of her ability, as will I. However, I have no interest in being a leader in the church--at least not at this point. So, what about those of us who are called to minister to those outside of the church, without explicitly invoking the word of God? What are the boundaries that need to solidified in order to uphold the sanctity of the relationship that my wife and I are trying to foster?
Nobody has written a manual on how to be a good husband to a female pastor, or a male pastor as the case may be. I cannot speak to the husbands of same-sex marriages within the world of church leadership, but we have to start somewhere. The conversation has started; the questions are being brought forth, and the lack of information is troubling.
I have wanted to undertake a more academic project, and this might be it. There are several different areas of interest that could be helpful in answering these questions:
If you have any thoughts, comments, concerns or questions let me know. You can comment here, find me on facebook, or e-mail. We are all on this journey together, so let's make the most of it. Who knows, I might even write a book before it's all said and done. Nobody really knows where we will end up, so might as well set some goals and try to get some work done before the time runs out.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
-Andy J. Graves
For many years now I have toyed with the idea of writing a book. I helped "self-publish" a science tome for my master's program (I doubt it was every actually published, since I gave it my my professor to finish up); however I've also struggled with my ability to sit down and consistently write anything. There have been many attempts to write a variety of blogs: a list-o-mania blog, a year of awesome blog, a series of poems in a notebook, a weekly challenge to write anything at all.
Needless to say none of these has really manifested any sort of success. Why?
I don't believe in myself as a writer, as a hobbyist, or even as an intellectual. I have so many thoughts and conversations with my wife throughout the course of a week, there is plenty of material available for me to write page after page of blog each week. However, whenever I make an attempt at setting myself up for such a project, it never pans out; then I get upset at myself when I remember that I was supposed to working on said project, but haven't gotten anything done for it in over a month. So, what's the point? Why am I putting this piece up on the G-Bull blog? Where is this going?
To be honest, it will probably end up in the same places that all of my other ideas, thoughts, projects and such have ended up--nowhere. It's much bigger this time though; there is more at stake than merely writing some random blog posts about random happenings. I have said similar things before, especially when I was preparing to do the letter writing campaign, and The August Collection. Both of those projects were much larger than myself: with the letters, they were sent out to 30 different people, hand written, and touched the lives of those who got them; The August Collection was a writing exercise that tapped the creative minds of people and I wrote every day for the month, giving credit back to the creative minds that pushed me to get it done. How does it get bigger than that? What could I possibly be talking about?
Well, here comes the Jesus sauce. Not for me to drink, nor for you to drink unless you want, but nonetheless what is about to happen can be traced back to the Jesus regardless if you drink the kool-aid or not. Here's what I'm talking about:
As some of you may know, I got married in January, and my wife is on the verge of becoming a rostered leader in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA)--basically she's becoming a female pastor. Now, I know there are plenty of denominations, religious sects, and people in general who do not feel as if this is the good and proper place for a female in the church, but this is not about that. This is about me. My story. My position in the world that I have signed up to be a part of. You're probably confused as to what I'm talking about so, let me lay it out for you! I'm really just dragging this out to pump out more words of written work, since I've not done so in quite a while!
Here's the situation. Historically men were pastors and the wives of these men were labeled "First Ladies." They were the second in command for a lot of the churches regardless of their interest or abilities in the world of running/conducting church business. Often times the congregation looked to the first lady as a second pastor, even if they did not feel as if a woman should be in a position of power within the church: they were supposed to know everything about the church, all of the happenings of the church, schedule everything, hold the pastor accountable, and basically run the show from a position of no power in the church. You see, though, the ELCA is one of those groups who feels as if women are fully capable and called by God to serve as leaders in the church. So, the question becomes what happens when a woman is elevated to pastor, but she subsequently has a husband who is not a part of the church? What becomes of the "First Husband," if you will?
This is where my search has began. As my wife progresses toward fulfilling her call as a pastor, where does that leave me? Yes, I have my calling to fulfill as an elementary school teacher, possibly a writer, maybe a poet, and whatever else I might find to fill my time. But regardless of how I fill my time, my wife will still be the leader of a church, which is an organic, needy and always watchful organism that has the tendency to envelop entire families. Just like when the "first ladies" of the church get wrapped into the daily affairs of the church, so too can the "first husbands," right? Will the little church ladies expect the strong husband to fix things around the church? Will they look to the husband to quell the power of his wife in the church? What does it look like to be the husband of a pastor in the ELCA? These are the questions that are stuck in my head. This is where I want to jump into the depths of research and experience in order to figure out what I might be getting myself into.
I went to the internet to try to find out what others have experienced, but found very little. It's mostly blogs and articles about how to keep your wife in check, and the role of women in the church. There were a few articles that sought the insights of husbands of female pastors who were in church leadership themselves. This doesn't work for me. My wife is going to fulfill her call to the best of her ability, as will I. However, I have no interest in being a leader in the church--at least not at this point. So, what about those of us who are called to minister to those outside of the church, without explicitly invoking the word of God? What are the boundaries that need to solidified in order to uphold the sanctity of the relationship that my wife and I are trying to foster?
Nobody has written a manual on how to be a good husband to a female pastor, or a male pastor as the case may be. I cannot speak to the husbands of same-sex marriages within the world of church leadership, but we have to start somewhere. The conversation has started; the questions are being brought forth, and the lack of information is troubling.
I have wanted to undertake a more academic project, and this might be it. There are several different areas of interest that could be helpful in answering these questions:
- Church centered gender roles
- Socially accepted gender roles
- Interviewing/researching the lives of ministry couples
- First hand personal experience
- Ongoing conversations with those in church leadership
If you have any thoughts, comments, concerns or questions let me know. You can comment here, find me on facebook, or e-mail. We are all on this journey together, so let's make the most of it. Who knows, I might even write a book before it's all said and done. Nobody really knows where we will end up, so might as well set some goals and try to get some work done before the time runs out.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
-Andy J. Graves
Monday, April 18, 2016
Initiation Cycle: Convert or Die
Welcome to the first official post on my new blog: The Life & Times of a Pastor's Husband. I realize that I have written a couple of pieces already that should be here, but since coming up with a name this is the first! Before we get too far into this let's provide some ground rules, some expectations, and some basic information so we're all on the same page:
Like I stated above, I'm not officially a pastor's husband yet, but we're working on it. I'm half way there, in that I am married to a woman who is in the process of receiving her first call. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the inner workings of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA), this just means she's searching for and interviewing for jobs right now. Our hope is that within the next 2 months she has a position lined up at a church who wants her to be their pastor. So, until that point in time, I'm really just a pastoral candidate's husband, but that doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Nonetheless, we are both actively participating in the search for this job, because it means something to the both of us.
The process of finding her a job is where my mind has been lately--and lately as in the past 2 days. You see, we had a couple of interviews a couple weekends ago and had our hopes on one of the churches calling with good news. However, on Saturday morning we got a call with not so great news--they're continuing the interview process, which means she didn't snag the job. Now, normally this wouldn't be such a big deal: there are plenty of churches in the world; there are plenty of churches without pastors; and my wife is looking to be a pastor in just such a church. So, what's the big deal you're asking? Here's the big deal, it comes down to a few different social norms that stand in my way of becoming a pastor's husband (my lifelong dream):
Does it matter if I do not share the same religious views as my wife?
Does it matter if your pastor is a woman?
How can I support my wife in this journey of hers?
Do I need to covert to her theological system in order to truly support her endeavors?
Am I supposed to be a pastor?
Should I go to seminary?
When can I look for a job?
All of these things and more have been circulating through my grey matter for the past couple of days, and unfortunately there are no easy answers for us. It is up to the churches to call their pastor, and if they don't want a female pastor, my wife is out of the game, which is the hardest part for us right now. We have talked and talked and talked about possibilities; she was supposed to contact her bosses today to get some insight into their thinking; we have another interview set-up this weekend; but the question remains: where is her job?
I can't find a job until she gets her job, because there is no point in acquiring a teaching position if I'm just going to end up in a different city, state or otherwise. Plus, there is nothing I can really do for her. I can be supportive; I'm her biggest cheerleader, because her getting a job means I can find a job to live out my vocation as well. However, beyond that there isn't anything I can do, which is really the hardest part for me. I sit back and watch as she walks into the rooms for the interviews--I'm just there for moral support and to feel out the community, but it's ultimately between her, the interview committees and God. We have faith enough to believe God, when it is proclaimed that there is a place and time for all things. There is a job for her out there, but when will it be revealed? When can she sign on the dotted line? When can I get my dream job? Is it because I'm not Lutheran?
My biggest fear is that I've done something to sabotage her interviews so far (Yes, there have only been 2). It shouldn't matter, just like all other manners of questioning, but with the way the world is today there is no way to tell how much bearing people put on the spouse. My facial hair, my tattoos, my humor, my job, my glasses? Is there something more I should have done in order to fully support her in the interview that went wrong, or is it truly a god thing?
Deep down I want to believe that it's just a god thing, but part of me is still skeptical. Could it be a karma thing? I don't know.
Maybe I should sell my soul to the Lutheran god in order to appease his sensibilities; that way we can all be on the same team and get jobs!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
- I expect this process to be cathartic for me.
- I expect this process to be useful for one person in the world.
- I expect this process to turn into something more profound than a blog.
- I want people to participate: comment, share, e-mail, whatever.
- I want people to anticipate posts.
- I want people to learn about what it could mean to be a pastor's husband.
- As of this post I am not officially a pastor's husband, but my wife is in the process (more info coming) of making it.
- There will be a new post for each new experience that I have in this process.
- My goal is to write a new post each week, but they may not be relevant to this process, so you might have to check my other Blog (G-Bull Ministries) for more writings.
Like I stated above, I'm not officially a pastor's husband yet, but we're working on it. I'm half way there, in that I am married to a woman who is in the process of receiving her first call. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the inner workings of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA), this just means she's searching for and interviewing for jobs right now. Our hope is that within the next 2 months she has a position lined up at a church who wants her to be their pastor. So, until that point in time, I'm really just a pastoral candidate's husband, but that doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Nonetheless, we are both actively participating in the search for this job, because it means something to the both of us.
The process of finding her a job is where my mind has been lately--and lately as in the past 2 days. You see, we had a couple of interviews a couple weekends ago and had our hopes on one of the churches calling with good news. However, on Saturday morning we got a call with not so great news--they're continuing the interview process, which means she didn't snag the job. Now, normally this wouldn't be such a big deal: there are plenty of churches in the world; there are plenty of churches without pastors; and my wife is looking to be a pastor in just such a church. So, what's the big deal you're asking? Here's the big deal, it comes down to a few different social norms that stand in my way of becoming a pastor's husband (my lifelong dream):
- The ELCA consists of a large governing body (bishops and whatnot), who mostly present a fairly liberal social standing
- The ELCA ordains women, so that they can be pastors in their churches
- The ELCA consists of a large worshiping body (people in the churches), who mostly present a fairly conservative social standing
- The ELCA may ordain women, but that doesn't mean the churches want a female pastor!
- My wife was assigned to a region of the United States where there are more conservative thinkers than liberal thinkers.
- My wife was assigned to a region of the United States where there are more churches looking for seasoned pastors than first time pastors.
- The Greek Orthodox Church does not ordain women; they also require their spouses (if they are married) to covert to the faith or their ordination is nullified.
Does it matter if I do not share the same religious views as my wife?
Does it matter if your pastor is a woman?
How can I support my wife in this journey of hers?
Do I need to covert to her theological system in order to truly support her endeavors?
Am I supposed to be a pastor?
Should I go to seminary?
When can I look for a job?
All of these things and more have been circulating through my grey matter for the past couple of days, and unfortunately there are no easy answers for us. It is up to the churches to call their pastor, and if they don't want a female pastor, my wife is out of the game, which is the hardest part for us right now. We have talked and talked and talked about possibilities; she was supposed to contact her bosses today to get some insight into their thinking; we have another interview set-up this weekend; but the question remains: where is her job?
I can't find a job until she gets her job, because there is no point in acquiring a teaching position if I'm just going to end up in a different city, state or otherwise. Plus, there is nothing I can really do for her. I can be supportive; I'm her biggest cheerleader, because her getting a job means I can find a job to live out my vocation as well. However, beyond that there isn't anything I can do, which is really the hardest part for me. I sit back and watch as she walks into the rooms for the interviews--I'm just there for moral support and to feel out the community, but it's ultimately between her, the interview committees and God. We have faith enough to believe God, when it is proclaimed that there is a place and time for all things. There is a job for her out there, but when will it be revealed? When can she sign on the dotted line? When can I get my dream job? Is it because I'm not Lutheran?
My biggest fear is that I've done something to sabotage her interviews so far (Yes, there have only been 2). It shouldn't matter, just like all other manners of questioning, but with the way the world is today there is no way to tell how much bearing people put on the spouse. My facial hair, my tattoos, my humor, my job, my glasses? Is there something more I should have done in order to fully support her in the interview that went wrong, or is it truly a god thing?
Deep down I want to believe that it's just a god thing, but part of me is still skeptical. Could it be a karma thing? I don't know.
Maybe I should sell my soul to the Lutheran god in order to appease his sensibilities; that way we can all be on the same team and get jobs!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
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