Thursday Devotion: Matthew 2:13-23

A reading from Matthew, the second chapter:

13 Now after they had left, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, "Get up, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you; for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him." 14 Then Joseph got up, took the child and his mother by night, and went to Egypt, 15 and remained there until the death of Herod. This was to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet, "Out of Egypt I have called my son." 16 When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, he was infuriated, and he sent and killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had learned from the wise men. 17 Then was fulfilled what had been spoken through the prophet Jeremiah: 18 "A voice was heard in Ramah, wailing and loud lamentation, Rachel weeping for her children; she refused to be consoled, because they are no more." 19 When Herod died, an angel of the Lord suddenly appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, 20 "Get up, take the child and his mother, and go to the land of Israel, for those who were seeking the child's life are dead." 21 Then Joseph got up, took the child and his mother, and went to the land of Israel. 22 But when he heard that Archelaus was ruling over Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. And after being warned in a dream, he went away to the district of Galilee. 23 There he made his home in a town called Nazareth, so that what had been spoken through the prophets might be fulfilled, "He will be called a Nazorean."

 ***

It's time.

It's time.

It's the time when the savior of the world is thrown into the world. Not as a warrior king. Not as a mighty colossus of a man. Not as anything other than a human baby. The savior of the world was dropped into a kingdom ruled by man, and his family had to follow the lead of the LORD in order to preserve his life. The faith of his earthly father allowed Jesus to live in the world, to experience the world, to see what the world was going through at this time. This was over 2000 years ago. Sadly, the world hasn't changed that much since the time of Jesus. So, the question becomes what are we doing about it?

Jesus came so that we might live.

Jesus died so that we may be redeemed.

Jesus rose again so that we may know eternal life.

So what are you doing about it? What are you doing with it? What are you called to do?

Advent was the time of longing anticipation, but now it's time for action. Mary and Joseph had to act in order to ensure the life of their son against the powers and principalities of that time. This allowed Jesus to grow and develop into the man who would eventually die and rise again for the very world that he was brought into. We are then charged with carrying that cross out into the world and showing the love and affection that Jesus showed us through his sacrifice--which was started by his earthly parents. It all started with a call from God.

Do you hear it?

Have you experienced it?

Did you take that first step?

Let us pray:

Most gracious heavenly father. We thank-you for the time and effort that you have poured into creating us in your image so that we may be your hands and feet on this earth. We also thank you for the gift of your son, so that we may be redeemed in your sight until the time we when are presented with the eternal gift of life you so graciously provide for us. However, in the mean time we pray that you prepare us, prompt us and push us to do the work that you have called us to do. Through our friends, families and places of business we can be a witness to your love and affection that you have poured out since the beginning of creation. We ask this in the powerful name of your only begotten son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Toe the Line // Tow the Cross

Good evening.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays.

Merry New Year (almost).

Wow.

It's been a while since we met up, and for this I apologize. It is my fault, but none of you said anything about my absence so I don't feel that bad. I took a break during/following my trip to Philadelphia so that I could focus on what I experienced, and just be lazy for a minute. I did really well over the past period of time in writing 2 posts a week: a devotion and a reflection. So, I figured I deserved to take a break and just relax my mind a little bit. However, in the past few days/week I have started getting restless again, and so here I am taking back up the task of actively reflecting and keeping people appraised of what is going on in the life of this pastor's husband. Plus, I'm sure somebody is interested in a recap of what happened in Philadelphia and how the discernment process is going. So, there will be some of that as well. We'll see, but I'm hoping to keep this kind of short. Just a quick review, update and moving on to the next phase of life for me and my wife. So, let's get started so we can wrap it up sooner, rather than later:

Philadelphia.

So, we flew out to Philadelphia so I could check out the Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia, which is one of the 2 ELCA schools that have a distance program, which was the big appeal. I can do work from home, be a part of a community, and still work on being a pastor's husband until the time I become something else. I sat in on 3 different classes, which was a good experienced. Granted, it was the last days of class for the semester which provided an interesting view of the class. I got to hear the takeaways and the challenges that each student faced as they moved through the courses, as well as their appreciation for what they went through. Additionally, there was such a diverse group of people in each class in terms of age, race, and theological discipline. A majority of the students were something other than Lutheran, which was pretty awesome. To hear the different perspectives be acknowledged, supported and honored was really refreshing and something I feel should be happening in the wider church on the regular.

I also had the opportunity to talk to a couple of professors and admissions staff about prospects, interests and thoughts that I've had about the entire process. They were all super supportive and seemed to understand the apprehensions as well as the "special needs" that I have to consider before officially entering the process (married to a first call pastor who just started working). Also in talking with these people they made it seem like their school would be a good fit for me and my position in life. However, that is also their job as admission people--convince people that their school is the greatest. Beyond the typical school pride, there was also programmatic opportunities that they are developing and offer that are appealing as well. So, they left me with a lot of things to consider, a lot of things to ponder, and other places to visit. I still have a long ways to go before I can officially say that I'm doing anything different with my life. However, I have made a step in a direction, even though I haven't made any decisions yet. There are other schools to visit, more conversations to have, and work to be done before I am ready to commit to anything in particular.

In other news, there is a lot of cool history to see, touch, smell and be a part of in Philadelphia. We manged to do a good deal of sight seeing: Liberty Bell, excavation site of George Washington's original house, the room where the Declaration of Independence and Constitution were written and signed, the U.S. Mint, and Reading Market. All accessed in the Center City (Downtown) via a regional train. We trained into the Center City, walked around, saw a bunch of stuff, and trained back. It was windy, chilly and kind of cool to see all of the history stuff. Granted my wife got more enjoyment out of it than I did, but nonetheless it was the birthplace of America, and that has to mean something regardless of how interested one is in history.

***

Toe the Line.

In every stage of life we have lines to walk. More often than not these lines are tightly strung between two opposing views, ideas or thoughts that we have on a regular basis. It's never fun, nor is it ever easy. Often times I feel like we have to be really careful where we step so as to not offend the gentler sensibilities of those around us--especially if they are our supporters. Over the past few weeks I have been looking down at my feet a lot in order to better understand what my lines are bordered by. On either side there are forces, powers and positions that seem to be opposites and they're pulling at me with great vigor and interest in my future.

I want to maintain the line between.
I want to operate within the both/and.
I want to progress in the middle zones.
I want to do what I want.

This is all very vague because I haven't clearly delineated just what any of this means. Some of it is fairly clear cut. On one hand there are professional leanings. Then there are theological leanings. Then we have the familial bonds. Then we have the social bonds. Then we have the artistic sectors. Then we have... then we have... then we have... in every area of my life there seems to be an either/or positioning. I know this isn't unique to me, my situation, or anything else. However, it has produced in me a sense of worry and angst that has begun to wear down my confidence in the process that I have set-up for myself. The active pursuit of God and the meaning behind my pull toward ministry is being pushed aside by all of these lines that need to be toed carefully. Even today I was made aware of another potential line for my toes to tread softly...

I was pulled aside before church today by an inquiring parishioner who was interested in our trip to Philadelphia. I explained much of what is listed above--the potential, the opportunities, the setting--to which their response was to explain to me that they have been thinking about my relationship with my wife and had a concern about the potential direction that I am taking my life in. Particularly as it concerned having one or two children in the future (which is their hope). They informed me since pastors work time and a half (60+ hours a week) that it can be really difficult to raise them properly if both parents are pastors. I mean, if I were a full time teacher instead of a pastor, I could still be putting in the same number of hours in a very rigid schedule. I wasn't really convinced that this was the most sage concern, but it nonetheless highlighted the line between professional choices and being a parent. There are so many questions, comments and concerns I have floating around in my head that I am ever grateful for my wife who's job it is to listen and stand by me and help me. I would have probably given up a long time ago had it not been for her and her support. It makes me think that there might be a god out there after all.

***

Tow the Cross.

There is an image throughout the world of Christian thought of one picking up their cross. The idea is that we all have our own cross and it is our responsibility to carry it.

It's your cross to bear.

It's my cross to bear.

It's our cross to bear.

It's a cross we all bear.

Sometimes it's just too heavy. More often than not I merely drag my cross behind me because my shoulders are too bruised to hold it up any longer. I lash it around my waist and trudge along with it dragging behind me. Each step it gets a little heavier, but at least it isn't resting my shoulders... in fact there are times where I forget it's there at all. Just pushing through the dirt. However, I have learned over the past few weeks that sometimes it's okay to let somebody take a little of the weight of our crosses. It isn't always our burden alone that we have to carry through the world. In fact there is that cheesy poem about the footprints in the sand. I'm not always convinced that it's Jesus who is always doing the carrying (there are times it feels like he has jumped on my back and I have to carry him around too), but the idea remains the same. There is help available if we will just get vulnerable and humble ourselves to the power of grace and the spirit of God.

Most of you know really know me, which is fine, however if you did you would say that I don't often ask for help. I don't often share deep, meaningful parts of my soul to people. It's not easy for me because I have become so good at locking away the pain and struggle that it doesn't often breech the surface. It wasn't until after my second visit to the spiritual director that I really started realizing things that I hadn't really dealt with; things that I haven't really let breathe; things that had been silently affecting the way I conducted my life on a daily basis. Now, I'm not about to go on a True Confessions rant, but I just wanted to share that sometimes it's better to let somebody help you bear the weight of your cross for a minute so you can let it out, let it go, deal with it however you need. It isn't good to hold things in forever, we have to deal with it otherwise it will dictate how our lives are lived out.

I will share one anecdote though, because it was a powerful moment between my wife and I that I feel should be shared, it goes something like this:

I was sitting on the couch, just the other night. The Christmas tree had been on  and we had just finished watching a movie (I believe it was Captain Fantastic... you should check it out). During the movie several thoughts had occurred to me and I made mention of this as we were just sitting in the living room. My wife then asked me what my thoughts were. I started off okay, merely attempting to tell her what had come to mind while watching the movie, which was something along the lines of how people cope with the loss of a loved one, and the fact that I don't. I have never really coped with loss, pain or struggle in dealing with the loss of anyone in my life. Plenty of relatives have passed, but the struggle for me is allowing it to be a real event--they really are gone, they're not coming back, even if I haven't seen them in years. I then attempted to rationalize the loss of my grandma away by saying that we knew it was coming, but it didn't quite make it out. I began to cry. I allowed myself to be the moment with the pain associated with the loss of my grandmother for the first time since it happened, which was just about a year ago. My cross became too heavy for me to even drag across the ground so my wife stepped in and helped me. She pulled on the rope as we walked together through the darkness of the pain. It was okay for me to let her help me. It was okay for me to feel the pain of that loss. It was okay...

I still haven't dealt with it completely, but I have started down a better path toward proper dealing. However, what wasn't okay in that moment was my wife trying to pull the pastor card, and I told her that. I didn't need to be my pastor in that place. I needed her to be my wife and friend. She quickly put the pastor card away and resumed the loving friend that I really needed. Following this particular moment, were a few more where I had expanded my sphere of hurt to other moments of loss and times of need--times that didn't turn out as well as this most recent one. I feel it is very important to reach out for help when we need it, but it's also so important to reach back when there is hand extending toward you--grab it, if only for a moment, because you never know how much good you will be able to do.

There is probably more to be said about the "pastor card," but I feel that is better left for another week's reflection.

***

In conclusion, I have a great network of support all around me. Some visible. Some less visible. Some imaginary. I thank-you, each and every one of you for all that you do. It has not gone unnoticed, I'm just bad at saying something. Again, I thank-you for everything said, unsaid, done, undone and everything in between.

As we leave the time of advent and move quickly through the time of Christmas (12 days to be precise), we are moving ever closer to the climax of the Jesus story. However, we always have work to do, and our daily quest for discernment is a portion of that work. The rest is what we are doing in the world: feeding, clothing, visiting, rescuing, helping, serving, making. It is time for me to start doing in the world as well as figuring out my life. As the next chapter unfolds before us, take note of what works, what doesn't work, and where you want your feet to be planted. Allow your toes to dip into many waters, it's okay not to settle.

Toe the line.

Tow the cross.

It's your life.

Live it for God!

Sincerely,

A Pastor's Husband

Thursday Devotion: Luke 2:1-20

A reading from Luke, the second chapter:

1 In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. 2 This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. 3 All went to their own towns to be registered. 4 Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David. 5 He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child. 7 And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

8 In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for see—I am bringing you good news of great joy for all the people: 11 to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger." 13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying, 14 "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom he favors!" 15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go now to Bethlehem and see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us." 16 So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the child lying in the manger. 17 When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child; 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them. 19 But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.

***

Here we are made privy to the moment when God becomes flesh; God enters our plane of existence. However, unlike the hopes, wishes and desires of the people who came before, God enters the world as a child who is at the bottom of the barrel. Born in a manger, at the back of an inn, with shepherds as the first visitors... sadly, it doesn't get much lower than that. However, that's what the world was provided. That's what we were given. That is our salvation from what could have been.

There is a song by a modern hip-hop artist known as Drake that proclaims, "I started at the bottom, now I'm here; started at the bottom now my whole crew here." However, Jesus can't stake such claims. Jesus started the bottom and decided that in order to save the world he needed to turn things on their head.

God entered the world as the least of these. The baby Jesus was brought into a world where there were great power struggles and a lot of inequalities that held people in their places, much lower than what they were worth. Even the visitors of the newly born messiah were the shepherds, which weren't much higher themselves. However, his rise to power was much greater than any Caesar or king could ever be. He rose to the heights of messiah by proclaiming the love of God for all people, especially those who were thrown aside by the "powers that be."

Jesus was born to love.

Jesus died to redeem.

Jesus rose again for all.

This is the beginning of a long story of the rise to love. Through the lowest of lows, the word and love of God was allowed to spread across all the nations and infiltrate the hearts of all of those that would hear it. According to the gospel of John, this love was for the entire world, which is why the decision was made to send the son. The gigantic web of interconnected love that cannot be defeated resides in all of us. However, we often forget this.

All throughout the gospels we are reminded of the beggars, the prostitutes, the adulterers, the tax collectors, the murderers, and the all-around dregs of society. These are the people that will always be with us, the people who see the glory of God much clearer than we might. It is these that Jesus calls to love and support in their times of need. The least of these is the ones we are called to serve... so what's stopping us?

Let the glory of the Lord rise among all people. During this season of Christmas and beyond.

Let us pray:

Most gracious God, we must first thank-you for providing us with the breath of life that sustains us to conduct your will in the world. However, we so often lose track of just what we're called to do. Guide us, protect us, and strengthen us so that we may better live out that call.Give us the means and the aptitude to reach out to those who need it, but allow us, also, to accept the help when it is provided in return. We walk humbly with you, our God, so that we may see the world as you would have it be. In the name of your only begotten son, Jesus, we pray. Amen.

Thursday Devotion: Matthew 1:18-25

A reading from Matthew, the 1st chapter:

18 Now the birth of Jesus the Messiah took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been engaged to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. 19 Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly. 20 But just when he had resolved to do this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for the child conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will bear a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins." 22 All this took place to fulfill what had been spoken by the Lord through the prophet: 23 "Look, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel," which means, "God is with us." 24 When Joseph awoke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him; he took her as his wife, 25 but had no marital relations with her until she had borne a son; and he named him Jesus.

***

The season of Advent has continued around us. The season of longing. The season of waiting. The season of anticipation. The season when our focus becomes worldly, and we lose sight of the spirit moving in our lives.

This is the time of the year when we lose focus on the "reason for the season." We become preoccupied with the gifts, the decorations, the festivities that are taking our focus away from the coming/return/birth of the savior of the world.

In the times of Joseph it merely took a messenger in a dream to convince him not to "dismiss" his girlfriend quietly. However, what does it take now? What does it take for us to recognize the spirit of God moving in/around/through us? Have we become so focused on the pomp and circumstance of the world that we have forgotten what it feels like to be dazzled by the spirit of God? Have we become so desensitized to the needs of our neighbor that we are no longer captivated by the plight of the other?

God's spirit continues to move around us. The spirit of love. The spirit of compassion. The spirit of loving forgiveness. Even during this season of longing anticipation, we are called to move by the spirit. Allow the spirit to create in us new hearts to better love. Allow the spirit to bear beautiful fruit to benefit the rest of the world.

Do you feel it?

Do you see it?

Do you experience it?

As the season of Advent turns into the time of Epiphany, we need to be on the lookout for the evidence of the spirit moving over the surface of our world. It could come in a flash or in a whisper on the wind. God is with us. God is with us. God is with us... do you feel it?

Amen.

Thursday Devotion: Matthew 3:1-12

A reading from Matthew the 3rd chapter:

1 In those days John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness of Judea, proclaiming, 2 "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near." 3 This is the one of whom the prophet Isaiah spoke when he said, "The voice of one crying out in the wilderness: "Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.' " 4 Now John wore clothing of camel's hair with a leather belt around his waist, and his food was locusts and wild honey. 5 Then the people of Jerusalem and all Judea were going out to him, and all the region along the Jordan, 6 and they were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. 7 But when he saw many Pharisees and Sadducees coming for baptism, he said to them, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? 8 Bear fruit worthy of repentance. 9 Do not presume to say to yourselves, "We have Abraham as our ancestor'; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham. 10 Even now the ax is lying at the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 11 "I baptize you with water for repentance, but one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to carry his sandals. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. 12 His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and will gather his wheat into the granary; but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire."

***

 We have entered into the time of the church year we call Advent. This is the season of waiting, of anticipation, of realigning ourselves for the birth of a new age. What does this mean? Basically, it's the four weeks before Christmas. As a whole, we are waiting the coming of Jesus, the birth of the messiah to the virgin.

Are you ready?

Have you prepared?

What are you waiting for?

Like the reading above says, people were flocking to John the Baptist out in the wilderness to be baptized. They were preparing themselves for the coming of the Messiah. They were aligning their lives, repenting of their sins, and rectifying their lives to accommodate the message that was being spread... Jesus is coming.

Are you ready?

Have you prepared?

However, John does something crazy in the face of the religious leaders of his time, he yells at them and tells them that they may come and make fun of him but there is somebody greater coming. John may baptize with water, but the one who is coming will baptize with the fire of the holy spirit. They may try to rest on their morals and proclaim their genealogy back to Abraham, but God is bigger than all of our human securities and longings. God has the power to do such awesome things that we are unprepared to bare witness to.

Are you ready?

Jesus was coming to break down the walls that separated us from God. We had built ourselves fortresses to reside in; built our walls to protect us; towers to look down on the rest of the world from. As we peer down at the world and wonder why we are so disconnected, it should hit us that we have not truly begun to live.

As we await the spiritual revival of the messiah. As we ponder the meaning of the season--the birth of Jesus, who came to save us from the eternal separation that we are worth of. As we prepare our hearts and minds to renew these relationships with our savior and others. We should reach out in love to our neighbor. Remember the whole of the ministry that was begun when Jesus was born. It is not an isolated moment, but the bigness of God that was made flesh so that we might better understand the love that was for us. Love made flesh.

Let us pray: God of mercy and love. We thank-you for sending Jesus to become love incarnate at the end of this season. Without your loving grace we would be lost in the world of darkness that we have created around us. In this time of preparation and awaiting, we ask that you guide our hearts and thoughts to a better place. That we might find the courage and resolve to love those around us more than ever. This is the time of the year when hearts get heavy, souls become bare, and people feel left out. Allow us to be the light in their lives so that might be prepared to see the glory that you is return to their lives. We need you. We long to see your face. Be ever present in our hearts and souls. Amen.

Thursday Devotion: Matthew 24:36-44

A reading from Matthew, the 24th Chapter:

³⁶ “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son,^[a] but only the Father. ³⁷ As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. ³⁸ For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; ³⁹ and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. ⁴⁰ Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. ⁴¹ Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.
⁴² “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. ⁴³ But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. ⁴⁴ So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

***

Wake up!

Rise up!

We are not done yet!

There is still work to be done!

Just like in the days of Noah, people were sitting around--resting on their morels--having a good time and they were caught off guard when the waters rose to take them away. They were unprepared for the full revelation of God, and were swept up in the waters of the flood... or were they the ones on the boat?

This passage is really unclear as to which people are being taken away, is it those who are worthy to be saved from the coming flood, or are they the ones who need to be purified by the spirit.

Nobody knows, but the father.
Nobody knows who wins.
Nobody knows who loses.
Nobody knows, but the father!

Therefore keep watch my friends, because you do not want to be caught off guard. Be prepared for the coming of the Lord, because we know not the day or time that the moment will come. Until then, I beseech to you continue living the gospel, sharing the gospel, and being vigilant in the work that God has presented you with, because the end could be near... we don't know.

Wake up!
Rise up!
We have work to do!

Until God returns we still have time to do the work. So, let us not be caught sitting around, drinking, having a good time, while there is still work to be done.

2 were in the field, and the one that got taken wasn't doing his job... he got cut from the team! Don't be that one, be the one who fulfills God's purpose!

Let us pray:

Most gracious God. You are the only one who knows when we will be called home, but until that time we pray that you provide us with the strength and will to keep doing the work you have called us to. Spreading the good news that Jesus lived, died and was risen from the dead on our behalf. Provide us with the creative spirit to spread this good news wherever we go. It is through this free gift that we are freed to truly live for and through you. We ask that you sustain us so that we may point back to you. We'd much rather not be on the losing team, and swept away by the great movement of your spirit. So, be with us, guide us and protect us as we move forward according to your will. Amen.

My Dreams Over Your Dreams // Talking the Talk

Happy Christ the King Sunday!

I know, I know. What does that mean? I don't really know, but from what I understand is that it marks the final Sunday of the church year. This upcoming week/Sunday marks the beginning of the season of Advent--the season of anticipation, of waiting, or Christmas for those of you who are more into high holidays.

Yes, Christmas is now 5 Sundays away. Are you ready? Yeah, me either. However, this week is Thanksgiving and so the holiday season begins.

This will be the first holiday season as a married man. First Christmas. First Thanksgiving. First New Year's Eve. Leading up to the first anniversary of marriage. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year already. However, now is not the time to reflect on anniversaries and such. There are still more Sundays to come for which it would be more appropriate. Although, the focus of my thoughts of the past couple of days have tied nicely into the idea of being married.

What does it mean?
Who does it benefit?
Who should benefit?
What did I get myself into?

For those of you who have been reading here for the past little while will know that I've been actively discerning what I perceive as a call to ordained ministry. I feel a pull on my heart to be a pastor of my own church. However, this process hasn't been easy and it grows more complicated as the days grow shorter and the darkness descends sooner. I've been journaling as best I can, praying with scripture--both as described by a spiritual director--and it's been good. I have talked to a few admissions people at various schools, planned a visit to one of those schools, and anxiously await the time when there might be a clear indication of what I'm supposed to be doing.

However, as I talking to my wife last night it seems like a lot of the reasons for not pursuing more education and a new career trajectory have been pushed aside as non-issues.

Yes, it will cost money but there are all sorts of scholarships and financial routes to gain assistance. Yes, it will take time, but I have time to work it out on my own time, because you can go as slow as you need (up to 10 years, give or take).
Yes, it will take some strategic maneuvering for the internships and other real-world application pieces.

No, we won't have to move to a new place until we're good and ready to relocate.
No, there isn't a rush for me to figure anything out.
No, I am not giving up on other avenues of revenue or career.
No, my wife doesn't think I'm crazy, but my parents probably will once I talk to them.

However, even with all of this starting to clear up there was a piece that I hadn't yet focused on. Everything up until now has been what do I want to do, what do I feel called to do, what do I need to figure out in order to really say for sure what is right to do right now. What about my wife? What about us? What about our relationship?

Again, it isn't that I had blatantly overlooked her, because she is such an active part in my discernment process--whether she likes it or not I rely on her as a sounding board for all of the craziness that gets rattling around in my brain, but I hadn't yet asked her what she wanted from me. From this. From anything. This is where a new area of discernment and discovery needs to take place.

What I do with my life effects her life too. If I become a pastor there are implications. If I become a full time teacher, there are implications. Of course I know this because like all intelligent people I was raised with the properties of nature at the forefront of my education (for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction). Now this doesn't necessarily have direct connections to this situation, but for every choice we make there are consequences. I wasn't aware of some of her feelings about the potential outcomes of this process because I hadn't asked her. I had only asked her in a round about way if she thought it was a possibility for me to be a pastor--yes it's possible, but does she want me to pursue such work? That's something a lot harder to breech, and to have an honest conversation about.

We started down that conversational path last night. It wasn't easy and it isn't over. I now realize that there are far bigger concerns than whether or not it is the right choice for me. The question is really, is it the right choice for us? At this point, I don't know. Each of us has dreams, concerns, wants and needs that seek to be fulfilled, and it is not right for either of us to intentionally squash the dreams of the other. However, how do we both realize our dreams without stepping on those of the other? It's more complicated than I thought, even though we have only started conversing about it.

In the end, we have just started walking down this path. It is my intention to keep moving forward with the process, but, now, being more mindful and intentional about conversing with my wife. It is not just the calling on my life that matters; she has a calling on her life as well, which needs to be uplifted and protected as well. I have been running away from my potential calling, while she has actively pursued hers. So, does this mean that I should continue to skating around this thing that is pulling me, or what?

The answer to that is really no, but we shall see what comes in the days that follow now that we have started up a new piece of conversation. Plus, as we finalize our plans to head east to visit a school, together, we will have time to discuss the implications of a new future. Our future. The future that awaits us... together, the only way that we will conqueror this world.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband

Thursday Devotion: Colossians 1:11-20

Stand strong my brothers and sisters.

Be bold in your faith friends and neighbors.

These may be hard times for our country, for our loved ones or even ourselves. The holiday season is quickly approaching, and this is generally the time of the year when people start having a hard time: remembering loved ones who have past, seeing loved ones for the firs time, reliving old drams and reopening old scars. However, there is hope. Just you wait.

Along with the holiday season, the church is entering the time of Advent, which is the time of waiting, of anticipation, of joyous proclamation of the times to come. What am I talking about? The birth of the savior. Advent is the time where the world prepares for the arrival of the messiah, which is the beginning of the good news.

The rest of the good news is that the messiah grew up, died and rose again for us! With this came the many gifts: strength, compassion, a community, and above all else a love that surpasses all understanding. No matter what we're going through, are looking down, or feel like God is with us and is always showing up for us.

Let this passage be a reminder of the bigness of God. Let it be a reminder of how much God cares for us and all that God is willing to do for us, with us and through us. God has us in his hands, which means nothing can overcome us--no wind, sea or storm shall pull us under. God shows up and protects us through it all.

Stand strong.
Be bold.
Pray hard.
Know that God is with you, for you and by you!

Colossians 1:11-20 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

11 May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. 13 He has rescued us from the power of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. 15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation; 16 for in him all things in heaven and on earth were created, things visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or powers—all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He himself is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 He is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that he might come to have first place in everything. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him God was pleased to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, by making peace through the blood of his cross.

Tuesday, Not Sunday // Nothing New Under the Sun

I realize that it's Tuesday and not Sunday.

For this I do not apologize.

I realize that I'm late in posting a new blog, but it is what it is.

Some of the reason behind my lack of productivity are the following:

1. I have come down ill as of Saturday.
2. My wife and I have been busy doing house stuff, work stuff and life stuff.
3. I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch reading.
4. I went to church and felt really crummy all day Sunday.
5. I have been feeling apathetic towards this project lately.

Really, other than being sick and apathetic, there is no good reason on that list as to why I couldn't have typed up a few lines on Sunday evening and posted them. So, let's explore the apathy a little bit. What's been going on in my life that has me feeling this way, you're probably wondering. Well, let me tell you about that!

As a part of my spiritual direction journey, I have been challenged to pray using a piece of writing from Isaiah, come up with a pointed discernment question, and journal how I am doing in dealing with both of these. I've been doing that for about a week now and have been journaling every other day (so not that much). However, while doing this I realized that this is about the time when I start to lose hope in projects and let things slip. Case in point, I missed a journaling session as well as a blog post session. Now, this is not in direct relation to apathy, however it was mentioned in one of my journals. I tend to go hard at a goal and then hit a wall and quit. I've seen this pattern over and over again, especially with my writing. I will commit to a project for a period of time and then lose the muse, so to speak. When things get boring in my head, or I "run out of ideas," I just stop writing. This blog is no different. I don't feel as if I have gained any new insights into the world of being a pastor's husband, my discernment journey is kind of in a holding pattern, and I don't want to write that over and over again for you to read. I do not feel as if my random rants are worthwhile material for you to view on a weekly basis.

I'm frustrated that things aren't more clearly defined for me. I wish there was an end in sight, so that I knew that time I was putting in was getting me somewhere I needed to be... no such luck, yet. However, I am getting exciting about our trip to Philadelphia. We're going to spend some time at the seminary out there, and then have some time to see the sights. For some reason I'm feeling really good about the visit, but that usually means something bad will happen: the wife and I will fight, the school will be awful, or some other unforeseen happening will occur and ruin the trip. God willing it will go smoothly and I will have gained useful insight into a potential next step. Additionally, I have been in contact with the synod office about the candidacy process and was provided a 116 page document outlining everything that goes into it--a lot of hoops, a lot of jumping, and a lot of paper work. Pretty exciting stuff--can't wait to get my hands on all of that.

***

One piece of pastoral husband being that has been popping up more frequently in the past week, or so, is the assumption that I want to be involved in church happenings. Now, let me clarify. I am more than willing to help out with whatever needs to be done: cooking, cleaning, youth events, hang-outs, craft making, quilt sewing, visits, you name it I'm there. However, I like to be asked. My wife has been gracious enough to remind her church council of this. In fact, as I was preparing to eat dinner the lady in question called to ask me if I would be willing to help with a technological project at the church. Of course I said yes, but it was nice to be asked--even though my wife all but volunteered me to help anyway!

However, there was a moment this past Saturday when I was helping at the first attempt at a youth event, when I was asked how they could make it better. Naturally I said, "I don't know." Even though all last week I was hounding my wife with ways that they should have handled it. I felt a little guilty, but in experiencing how the conversations went in that circle of parishioners it was best for me to hold my tongue than potentially be there all day defending my views or being suckered into doing more work than I am willing to do at this point. Keep in mind, that this was the same church that when asked what they expected of me that they just wanted to see me around. However, I feel like the more they see me around the more they're going to want me to do things. This is a very dangerous path to traverse, especially when your wife is the pastor. She has the power to put your name on things and then conveniently forget to tell you about it until a few days out.

Luckily, this hasn't happened yet, and with luck on my side she will remember the art of asking as well. Who knows, but I'm trying to consult the church through my wife which isn't always the easiest thing to do, because it gets muddied and interpreted via multiple sets of ears. However, at this time I'm trying to figure out my own stuff. It has occurred to me that being involved with the church happenings is good for the process, but I'm not sold on that idea yet. We'll see what comes of this new project, and go from there. Oh, I have read during service once (slated for this upcoming Sunday as well) and got good reviews. So, there's that too.

I'm waiting to hear when I can preach at the church. We're shooting for sometime after the upcoming season--somewhere between Advent/Christmas and Easter, or ordinary time. That way it isn't during a high holiday in the church world. I'm kind of excited about the idea, but we'll see what happens in the months to come. Who knows, they might not like me that much after all.

Thanks for reading and as always reach out if there is anything I can do for you!

Sincerely,

A Pastor's Husband

P.S. I'm gearing up for a creative writing exposition throughout the month of December, so be looking for that in the weeks to come!

Thursday Devotion: Luke 21:5-19

Stand strong.

Stand tall.

Know that Jesus has your back!

Things may look dreary now. There may be times when we lose sight of the light that flashes at the end of the tunnel, but rest assured that the light is everlasting--it hasn't moved, it still shines, beckoning us forward! We have a promise from God in the death and resurrection that cannot be taken away from us. So, stand fast my friends. Times may be troublesome now, but we can rest on God's word that all will be taken care of; all things will work out in our favor for the Lord is with us.

Together we can hold fast to these promises.

Together we can overcome the short-lived problems of our day.

Together we will rise above the darkness of this world and inherit the kingdom.

Today, tomorrow, and 20 years from now the promises hold true. We were provided life through Christ that we might live freely in the world. It is our job to carry that message to the people. Make the world aware of the truth that has set us free. In the shadow of a tough day, a hard night, a turbulent life we can rest assured that Jesus is providing us with a foundation from which to thrive. There are no promises of an easy life, but we will be provided for... "not a hair will be harmed."

God's got us. Let us live like the free people we are, and allow that light to shine through us.

Luke 21:5-19 New International Version

⁵ Some of his disciples were remarking about how the temple was adorned with beautiful stones and with gifts dedicated to God. But Jesus said, ⁶ “As for what you see here, the time will come when not one stone will be left on another; every one of them will be thrown down.”
⁷ “Teacher,” they asked, “when will these things happen? And what will be the sign that they are about to take place?”
⁸ He replied: “Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am he,’ and, ‘The time is near.’ Do not follow them. ⁹ When you hear of wars and uprisings, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away.”
¹⁰ Then he said to them: “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. ¹¹ There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.
¹² “But before all this, they will seize you and persecute you. They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. ¹³ And so you will bear testimony to me. ¹⁴ But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. ¹⁵ For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. ¹⁶ You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷ Everyone will hate you because of me. ¹⁸ But not a hair of your head will perish. ¹⁹ Stand firm, and you will win life.

Go Hard for Jesus // Loving People Hard

Hello, hello, hello!

I realize that my consistency has been lacking over the past few weeks: timing, content and enthusiasm has been waning. I could make a million excuses about this, but I won't. I'll just let it be what it is, because that's a part of challenging yourself to be actively participating in the writing process while still figuring out life in a meaningful way. Such is life, right? We always find ourselves buying into too many avenues of exploration and wear ourselves out, we burn out and everything we have invested in suffers. That's not what's happening here, but it does happen more often than any of us would like to admit.

In fact, my wife and I were talking about this over our scrounged dinner this evening. It started as a misshaped conversation about me needing more active support and affirmation in my life (which you could provide if you like), but quickly revolved to what she needs to do to revitalize her congregation. Nonetheless, we are both aware that I get bored with stations of life every year or two, and how when that happens I like to move on to other things--change venues, change jobs, change life happenings. I tried to use this as a positive aspect of being a pastor, because as the seasons change in the church you can undertake new projects, new challenges, new everything. As people come and go from the congregation you can do new things. There are always seminars, meetings, conferences, or merely excuses to travel around the country to do things. Could this be a positive outlet for me? I don't know.

This was just a part of our conversation, the majority of it was my need/longing for a clear cut, "Yes." In my life I have always found that my friends and family passively support me in my ventures. They give me the "I could see you..." "You'd be good at..." or even "Sure... why not?" These have always been well-meaning, sincere outlooks on my life, they could see me being good at a lot of things, which is a positive affirmation in and of itself. There is all kinds of potential in my life, which is awesome!

I could be a great teacher.
I am a great teacher (more or less).
I could be a great youth minister.
I could be a pastor.
I could be a religion professor.
I could be a great father.
I could be a great husband.

The list of possible vocations and calls can stream on forever, but I'm not going to let it. Obviously! However, in all of these positive affirmations, there has never been a clearly stated, "You should do this." There hasn't been a "You need to do this." Never once was I told, "God wants you to be this." Now, this is a part of the struggle we call life. There are very few moments where we are told, we need to take a certain job, move to a certain city, or obtain a certain hobby for the betterment of the world. There are hints, whispers, pushes and pulls throughout life that make valiant attempts at guiding us to an effective spot for us to call home... at least for a while. In my time of discernment I'm not looking for the whisper or the gently pull. I want to see a giant florescent sign that says, "THIS IS THE PLACE!" Clearly illuminated path with a wide open door that says, "Welcome home, we're glad you made it!"

As unlikely as all of these things are, a guy can still hope, dream and seek. That's where I find myself right now. Still hoping, dreaming and seeking the path that will lead me to a new pasture where I can finally feel comfortable for at least a while. Where, I can settle into a groove that won't stagnate. I can throw down roots and feel nourished for the long term. Where my wife and I can both be a part of a community that needs both of our unique approaches to life.

Something I have started to realize is just how different my wife and I are. It's one of those things that you know going through life--no two people are the same. However, if you don't take the time to really look and take note you just passively walk by without growing to appreciate the differences. For instance, here are some of things that I've begun to notice... (my interpretations of situations, may or may not be accurate depictions of how she sees us)

• She loves Jesus in a personal way, and conveys this in her demeanor and sermons with a personal passion toward the congregation. I referred to her as an "Octogenarian Whisperer" in conversation tonight because she has a way of talking to the elderly (and everybody else) in a way that makes them feel comfortable with the message she is sending--for better or worse.
• I love Jesus as an enigma that needs to be figured out. My faith is full of academic study, theological, jargon filled discourse, and a lot of circle talk and disenfranchisement. However, at the core of my system I am still seeking to understand what it all means, as we all are. At the same time I tend to hide behind the academics rather than loving people. I love a good book on what the bible means, but not necessarily dealing with that the bible means to me or you or our neighbor.  

Now, this seems kind of odd. However, I do not feel like expounding on this at this particular moment. I'm dealing with a lot of discovery and trying to make moves to find that affirmative YES, all the while trying to figure out how to love my wife more, and better. She is living her calling, while I'm still trying to figure out mine, while still putting all I can into the kids I get to work with on a daily basis.

Every chance we get to pour love into the lives of others, we should. I get to see 20-30 different faces every day of my workweek (sometimes more if I'm lucky enough to sub for an art or music teacher). Yes, there are some children who make my day really hard to get through, while there are other children who are awesome to work with and would be awesome to have in a real classroom.

They all need love.
They all deserve love.
They are all worthy of love.
They are all seeking love.

That's my calling right now. To be a source of love in the world, and I need to be okay with that while I discern what may come next. I need to be satisfied knowing that every day while at these schools I am able to show the love of God to new people, I get to be the light in the darkness, I get to do what my wife gets to do, just in a different context. Our mission fields are the same, it's just I'm in a different set of buildings and don't get paid nearly as much. This I think is what I've been missing over the past few weeks/months. I get frustrated with the work that I get to do in the community, and lose focus on the purpose of all of the work we do collectively. Each of us is a missionary for God, we just have different fields--some are called to work retail and witness to whose who come through their check-out line, while others are clergy people leading congregations. We may all be different parts of the body, but we have a central mission and different ways to come at it.

In closing. I have been revisiting some personal testimonies and speeches by some christian artists that I'm a fan of, in addition to the stories and promptings from the seminar I went to last week, and the theme that I've been hearing is this, "Go hard for Jesus."

Total abandon.
Total submission.
Total investment.
Go hard.

We often get comfortable in our places in life, and we lose sight of the work that has been set before us. Somebody else will do it. That's not my area of expertise. That's not my passion. That's not an excuse. We have work to do, and we are called to do work. Go hard for Jesus is something that I've been thinking about and rolling around my mind for the past few days, but I'm not sure where it's going to land yet. I just wanted to throw that out there... just in case. You never know what might find its way into the minds and hearts of people for the better if you never put them out there. So, my challenge to myself and you is to find a way to do a little more, work a little harder, change trajectory in the days to come so that we are aimed more at the heart of Jesus rather than the heart of the world.

Thank-you!

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband

P.S. If you need anything, reach out to me and I will do everything in my power to assist in any way I can. (Facebook: @gbullministries; Twitter: @GBullRevolution; Comment below)

P.S.S. I'm working on a new writing project for the month of December--unrelated to this or any other writing project, so be on the lookout for that! If you want to contribute let me know and I'll give you more information.

P.S.S.S. Please feel free to share links to anything seen here or elsewhere. The further this goes, the more people we can help!

Thursday Devotion: Luke 20:27-38

Now: We have life.
Then: We have life abundant.

Now: We are alive.
Then: We truly live.

Now: We have friends and family.
Then: We are friends and family.

Now: We know Jesus.
Then: We KNOW Jesus.

There will come a time in everybody's life when there is no more life to live--we die. It is the circle of life, and we're all on it--no escape. However, the question that we often ask ourselves is what happens then? What comes next? Now, depending on who you ask, you'll get a lot of different answers: reincarnation in the east, spiritual possession/haunting from the science fiction, or maybe food for worms from the non-religious/atheistic crowd.

Unfortunately, the Sadducees thought they were going to get one of these answers when they cornered Jesus and inquired about the resurrection. They presented a hypothetical, like we're all used to, but he didn't flinch. He reports to them that the life post-resurrection is nothing like this current life. There is nothing that compares, so you don't really need to worry about it. It will be so much greater than you can ever imagine.

Now, they were silent... they thought he had them trapped, but he answered their question without a blink of an eye. However, my question for you is this: Are you content with whatever comes next? Jesus says that it will be great, everybody is alive, that it is a huge party and everybody is invited. However, what if it isn't? It's the hypothetical returning again... What if there were no streets of gold? What if there weren't long lost friends and relatives waiting? What if it was just you and Jesus sitting in a room? Is that enough? Is that worth the journey? It should be...

Luke 20:27-38 New International Version

²⁷ Some of the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Jesus with a question. ²⁸ “Teacher,” they said, “Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. ²⁹ Now there were seven brothers. The first one married a woman and died childless. ³⁰ The second ³¹ and then the third married her, and in the same way the seven died, leaving no children. ³² Finally, the woman died too. ³³ Now then, at the resurrection whose wife will she be, since the seven were married to her?”
³⁴ Jesus replied, “The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. ³⁵ But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, ³⁶ and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God’s children, since they are children of the resurrection. ³⁷ But in the account of the burning bush, even Moses showed that the dead rise, for he calls the Lord ‘the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.’^{[a] 38} He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive.”

Moving in a New Direction // Top 3 Candidtates

Happy Reformation Day to all of you Lutheran's out there!

For those of you caught unaware, today is, like the 500th anniversary of the day that Martin Luther nailed the 95 thesis on the door of the castle; this then began the reformation of the church that caused a lot of problems in his day. Lucky for us though, he was successful and set in motion a lot of things that allowed my wife's church to exist.

I, however, chose to make fun of her and her worship of Martin Luther as a deity on par with Jesus. She wasn't appreciative of this, but it happened nonetheless. I thought it was great fun, and will continue to do so for as long as we both shall live--probably! It just pains me to hear that one person gets so much credit for something that took a plethora of people to make happen, and he is only one reformer who happened to operate in Germany; What about the Swiss? What about the English? What about the Eastern countries? They all went through theological upheaval about the same time... nonetheless, the reformation is much bigger than Martin Luther and I just wanted that on the record--just in case!

In other news, this was quite the eventful week: a lot of work, a lot of thinking, a meeting with a spiritual director, read the readings at church, starting planning a vacation/visit to Philadelphia, and am trying to make a conscious effort to evaluate and modify my ways of thinking/approaching life. Now this last part was really a result of my meeting with the spiritual director and thinking about things on my own. However, I feel as if there is a lot of work to be done in terms of this. Once you step back and take a look at how your thoughts and feelings influence your actions, it can be quite surprising. For instance, here is a little anecdote about what I'm talking about:

Over the course of my conversation with the director, I offered up that instead of proclaiming any sort of love for people I shy away. Instead of proclaiming an active belief in God, I shy away. I build walls around my psyche, heart and beliefs that is full of theological discourse and academic know-how. I defend my heart, mind and soul by discussing the meaning of words, ideas and refute the passion that others hold true to their hearts. Instead of allowing myself to connect to people in a spiritual/real way I will keep them at a distance by asking heady questions about the nature of the Bible's authorship, or some other academic pursuit. I live in a castle whose walls are constructed of philosophical edicts, theological jargon, and enough biblical scholarship to bring it all together. In fact, just this morning I was reading some passages from a book that a friend suggested to me. He's a great friend and it's a great book, but it occurred to me that it is the exact type of material that I always look for; an academic understanding of the Bible and what its historical context. Granted, I haven't gotten to the part where the understanding presented in the book allows for ongoing, and personal revelation, but this is when I stop reading for meaning and finish the book just because.

I was faced with the question that went something like this: What are you going to say to the person in the hospital who is dying? How are you going to feel? Are you going to spout off some theological treatise about death and dying? What do they need to hear in that moment?

To be honest, this is the heart of pastoral care and ministry. Being able to walk with people where they find you, in their moments of need they are looking to you--the Pastor--to provide some comforting word, to be a steady presence in their life, to be a real person to connect with... not a bible scholar who knows who actually wrote the last letters attributed to Paul (not saying I do). This is where I truly struggle in terms of the ministry. I can write words, I can say words, but can I truly open up and be vulnerable in order to truly connect with people? This remains to be seen.

I need to love.
I need to be loved.
I need to see love.
I need to open up!

So, I feel that my new direction needs to be focused on the inter-relatedness of people with the divine. Instead of focusing on what the Bible means, I need to focus on what does the Bible mean TO me, TO others, TO the church, TO the world. It has to be personal, otherwise what's the point? I have a lot of books that present a lot of theological treatise, without a lot of personal investment, which I feel is harder than it sounds to put down on paper. When it comes to matters of the divine, there are so many thoughts, schemes, and damage that can be done if we say, do or invest in the wrong things. Yes, it's a personal matter, but when that personal matter becomes public knowledge, that's where I get scared. I hesitate to stake any claim about the divine because I don't want to be that open with people. I'd rather be invested in all people, rather than (in my head) be isolated from those who would be perceived as wrong.

Yes, this is hogwash.
Yes, you can believe in God and still love all people.
Yes, you can.
Yes.

I know this intellectually, which is my problem.

It's all mind.
It's all body.
It's no heart.
It's no soul.

I need my heart and soul to speak louder than my mind and body. I need to listen to them more, and maybe I would stop running from the calling perceived in my life. People have affirmed the gifts I have presented for the ministry; I have support from friends and (probably) family; People see the potential in me, but I don't see it in myself. I deny the gifts that have provided me all of the opportunities that I have seized in life so far. Well, now is the time to change that... I hope. I want to start focusing on the personal relationship that I have with God: what does that look like? What is it I feel? What does it mean? I don't know yet, but I'm going to start moving in a different direction and it is my hope that you'll help me out. I have come up with a list of a few things that you can do for me, and it goes something like this:

1. Tell me your story! What does God mean to you? What does your relationship with God look/feel like?
2. Point me in the direction of other personal stories: memoirs, testimonies, church plant ministries, anything that is more personal and less discourse.
3. Pray for me. I am a big fan of intercessory prayer, and I strongly believe in the power of community prayer.
4. Pray with me. Get a hold of me and make me pray with you about whatever it is you feel led to pray about! My prayer life is severely misaligned and dying, so you could be that spark.
5. Be my friend. Just love and support me as I transition through this period of discernment and discovery. We may walk through the darkness, but we're not alone, because we all have friends who stand beside us... will you be that friend for me?

 So, with all of that being said, I will quickly move on to the second half of this post, which will be much shorter, I promise!

***

I have begun the seminary search and discovery process, and this is my top three list as of right now:

1. Chicago Theological Seminary; Chicago, Illinois
2. Iliff Theological Seminary; Denver, Colorado
3. The Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

My wife and I have already started making plans to visit Philadelphia to see what they have to offer, but no decisions have been made, nor are we close to making any decisions. This is just one of the many parts of my discernment process. Some of the other schools that are being considered for exploration are: Lutheran Theological Seminary at Gettysburg (Gettysburg, PA), Luther Seminary (St. Paul, MN), Wartburg Theological Seminary (Dubuque, IA), Trinity Lutheran Seminary (Columbus, OH), and Fuller Seminary (Pasadena, CA). This is a long list, and each school has something unique to offer and will make exploration and decision making very difficult. However, I have no doubt that visiting these places, consulting my wife, and praying and meditating on the path I am traversing will illuminate the right course of action. So, please, pray for me, talk to me, reach out to me, let's be friends!

Like always, if you need anything let me know and I will do my best to support you and care for you. I'm good at caring for people, as long as you don't expect me to need your help later. So, maybe ask to help me. Challenge me to accept your help with a project or something. I don't know... this relational piece of ministry is going to be my stumbling block, and if you can't relate to people how can you do ministry? You can't! I want to, so let's get relating. Let's get vulnerable. Let's get real.

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband

P.S. Make sure to check out the Thursday Devotions.... some of them are more powerful than others, but it might make a difference in your day, week, year or life! No guarantees, but I do my best!

P.S.S. Find me on Facebook (@gbullministries) or Twitter (@GBullRevolution) if you need anything, and I mean anything!

Thursday Devotion: Luke 19:1-10

Skirting the edges of society we typically find the dregs, the bottom dwellers, the "scum of the earth," which comparatively speaking is us when we talk about Jesus. Like when Jesus was going to the river Jordan to be baptized by John, John proclaims that he is unworthy to untie the laces of Jesus' sandals. We're talking John the Baptist sees himself as beyond the clutches of Jesus, so who are we to even gaze upon him from a high tree? We're not.

We are unworthy of the gift of grace that was bestowed upon us through the death and resurrection of Jesus, but it is finished. It was done. It has been poured out upon us so that we might live and live freely to love one another. To provide sustenance to those who hunger and thirst; support to those who have loved and lost; a helping hand to those who stumble and fall. We are called to do all of these things, but we are also empowered to do them because God calls us by name. God calls out to us from the wilderness, from the mountain tops and from the eyes of our neighbors.

Here we have the story of a bottom dweller being called, by name, to come out of the tree and be host to Jesus. God calls us by name to enter into relationship with him, so that we may better serve others. Here the power of the presence of Jesus is so powerful that the bottom dweller commits half of his wealth to those who need it, promises to pay back 4x what he has swindled, and gets to eat a meal with Jesus--all while being the talk of the town.

He was a sinner.

Jesus called to him.

Jesus ate with him.

Jesus gave him an out.

We often find ourselves up in a tree trying to merely glimpse the power of God. We are searching high and low for the power to sustain our lives so we can continue to pour into others, but God is with us always and God is always calling us by name...

Come down from that tree, we have work to do.
Come down from that tree, we have love to spread.
Come down from that tree, we have food to prepare.
Come down from that tree, I am calling you by name, and I love you.

Amen.

Luke 19:1-10 New International Version

19 Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. ² A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. ³ He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. ⁴ So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

⁵ When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” ⁶ So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.
⁷ All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.”
⁸ But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”
⁹ Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. ¹⁰ For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”

Walking the Line // Reaching the End

Happy Sunday!

Welcome back to another installment of whatever may come out of my mind onto your screen. I swear I always walk into the office on Sunday evenings with something burning to come out, waiting to be shared that is meaningful and purposeful. However, by the time I get situated, get the music playing and start banging on the keyboard things get jumbled and lost. For this I kind of apologize, but not really. It is what it is, and free association is always an interesting path to walk. So, shall we continue our journey together?

If you're reading this, then you have decided to see where this post takes us. For this I thank-you. I'll try to make it meaningful in some way... no promises!

Today was the day that my wife got installed as the pastor of her congregation. Yes, I know she's been there for over a month now--always two--but in order to be installed an ordained member of the synod staff must be present and do the "Rite of Installation." That was today.

I'm not going to lie, it was pretty awkward on several levels. The first being that she was being congratulated today during the post-church brunch, when she has been their pastor for two months now. It was really like saying, "Thanks for not quitting on us yet. We'll try to be better!" I could be merely projecting my sense of insecurity onto the people of her congregation, but it is what it is. Secondly, my parents came up to be a part of the ceremony, and by that I mean watch. My wife didn't even tell her mom that it was happening today, but I invited my family to come be a part of it as a sign of good faith and support. Here's where it gets weird for me... my family, specifically my mom and dad.

A little bit about my parents. They're not church-goers. I'm not sure where they stand on matters of faith. We've never talked about it, but they've supported me on my journey toward whatever may come. So, it's a little weird sitting next to them in church when I'm not a participant in the service. I think my mom has only seen me be a part of a service once, and that was YEARS ago when I was given an opportunity to present a sermon of sorts on a Wednesday night at my first church. I can't remember what it was about, the scripture involved, but I remember my mom giving me a ride and sitting through the service with me. That's about as deep as we've ever gotten. I know my brother doesn't go to church, but he allows his children to go.

It's an odd bunch I come from. We have our stances and hold them quietly to ourselves for the most part. When pushed we might stake a claim on one thing or another. However, it doesn't extend far beyond that. We are quiet supporters of many groups of people and causes. Then, I strive to make public proclamations of faith and it gets weird. I am on a path of intentional discernment and I can't talk to my parents about it.

What will they think?
What will they say?
What will they do?
What?

My mom is on Facebook nowadays though. She probably sees when I share the posts of the week, and she might even read them. I'm not sure, because she hasn't really said anything. She has liked posts, and made a few comments, but not about the recent content of this blog so she is still quietly holding her stance on issues of faith and work. I'm still trying to find a job, but I'm still trying to figure out what sort of job that might be... silently I keep treading my path toward something, but it gets weird when you don't tell your parents what you're thinking or going through.

My parents and I have never been the touchy-feely type, you could say. There have only been a handful of times when I have really reached out and talked to them about things, and generally not during the best of times. It's strange, really. Some people talk to their parents about almost everything, and we stand quietly by and support each other the best we can.

This, then, reminded me of a poem that I wrote a while ago, and I would like to share it with you now, it's called "My Father's Son" and it goes like this:

My Father's Son

I look back at my life and wonder, “What do my parents think of what I have accomplished?”

When my dad's friends ask about his sons, does he stand up proud and proclaim his oldest is working on changing the world, while his youngest is a thriving family man?

I hope so!

I hope when my mom's co-workers ask about me she stands up confidently and tells them about all the adventures I share with the kids at work; and how well my brother is doing in raising his own. Does she tell our story with a smile, with joy in her heart at the ability to call us her sons?

I hope so!

I want my parents to be able to look back at my life and  be able to say, “That's my boy!” I want to be my father's son! I want to be my mother's little boy, but sometimes, things like this remain unknown. Do they say it, do they proclaim these things?

I hope so!

However, I know for certain that my parents don't fully comprehend what it is I am doing with my life. My path through unconventional relationships; studying things that don't produce jobs; and thinking about walking away from a well paying full time job just don't add up in their minds, but I'm still their son! My dad might not be able to explain fully what it is I'm doing, and my mom might not be that interested in my struggles to save the world, but they know I'm their boy and they got my back no matter what!

***

Yes.

Maybe.

We'll see.

What do you think?

During this time of intentional discernment a lot of things have crossed my mind, and most of it has nothing to do with being a pastor's husband. Except, everything I do is as a pastor's husband. If I become a pastor myself, I will still remain a pastor's husband. Until the day, if it ever comes, that my wife steps down as a pastor--which isn't likely. Therefore, I have no reason to feel a particular way about the content of this blog. I will not always have a direct connection to the work that my wife is doing at her church, however everything that happens in my life will be from the position of pastor's husband.

In other news, though, we are taking our first complete trip as a married couple. We are planning a trip to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This will be the first flight we have taken together, and the first long distance trip we have taken round trip together. So far I have flown out to meet her various places and we have traveled back together. So that's kind of exciting. The trip is a multi-faceted endeavor: there is a seminary out there that has potential for being the next stop on my educational journey, and there is all kinds of historical places that pique the interest of my wife. It will be good to go visit places that are designed to help people like me figure out what's possible and what's plausible for life.

Additionally, I have set-up an initial meeting with a spiritual director to ascertain whether or not there is hope for me yet. He is going to be asking me a lot of questions about faith and imagery and life, and my fear is that I will get defensive and not answer the questions truthfully--from the depths of my spirit person. If I can't be honest to a complete stranger, how can I ever speak the truth to a room full of them for a living? That just won't fly in the face of a future congregation.

These are just some of the additional steps that I have been taking in the past week or two. I am honestly trying to actively participate in this time of discernment and figure out what I am being pulled towards. I don't feel as if I am a voluntary participant in this ride, and so I choose to use the word "pulled," because I have walked away from this type of thinking for a long time now, and here I am being forced to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself... "What are you doing?

There are still a few more things that I have on my plate that I have always walked away from, or around, for a long time now. They are not easy. I dread even thinking about them. However, as a part of my process there are things that need to be done, wounds that need to be healed, and bridged that need to be rebuilt. Hopefully next week I will be able to share about these experiences. They were on my list for yesterday, but I conveniently let time get away from me--again.

So, with all of that being said, I think I will call it an evening. Like always, if you need anything let me know. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, E-mail, or if you know my number give me a call or a text. I'm here for you just like you're here for me. I will post my Facebook and Twitter information below for easy access. I hope this finds you well.

Sincerely,

A Pastor's Husband

P.S. Here are my social media handles:

     Facebook: @gbullministries

     Twitter: @GBullRevolution