Tuesday, Not Sunday // Nothing New Under the Sun

I realize that it's Tuesday and not Sunday.

For this I do not apologize.

I realize that I'm late in posting a new blog, but it is what it is.

Some of the reason behind my lack of productivity are the following:

1. I have come down ill as of Saturday.
2. My wife and I have been busy doing house stuff, work stuff and life stuff.
3. I spent a lot of time sitting on the couch reading.
4. I went to church and felt really crummy all day Sunday.
5. I have been feeling apathetic towards this project lately.

Really, other than being sick and apathetic, there is no good reason on that list as to why I couldn't have typed up a few lines on Sunday evening and posted them. So, let's explore the apathy a little bit. What's been going on in my life that has me feeling this way, you're probably wondering. Well, let me tell you about that!

As a part of my spiritual direction journey, I have been challenged to pray using a piece of writing from Isaiah, come up with a pointed discernment question, and journal how I am doing in dealing with both of these. I've been doing that for about a week now and have been journaling every other day (so not that much). However, while doing this I realized that this is about the time when I start to lose hope in projects and let things slip. Case in point, I missed a journaling session as well as a blog post session. Now, this is not in direct relation to apathy, however it was mentioned in one of my journals. I tend to go hard at a goal and then hit a wall and quit. I've seen this pattern over and over again, especially with my writing. I will commit to a project for a period of time and then lose the muse, so to speak. When things get boring in my head, or I "run out of ideas," I just stop writing. This blog is no different. I don't feel as if I have gained any new insights into the world of being a pastor's husband, my discernment journey is kind of in a holding pattern, and I don't want to write that over and over again for you to read. I do not feel as if my random rants are worthwhile material for you to view on a weekly basis.

I'm frustrated that things aren't more clearly defined for me. I wish there was an end in sight, so that I knew that time I was putting in was getting me somewhere I needed to be... no such luck, yet. However, I am getting exciting about our trip to Philadelphia. We're going to spend some time at the seminary out there, and then have some time to see the sights. For some reason I'm feeling really good about the visit, but that usually means something bad will happen: the wife and I will fight, the school will be awful, or some other unforeseen happening will occur and ruin the trip. God willing it will go smoothly and I will have gained useful insight into a potential next step. Additionally, I have been in contact with the synod office about the candidacy process and was provided a 116 page document outlining everything that goes into it--a lot of hoops, a lot of jumping, and a lot of paper work. Pretty exciting stuff--can't wait to get my hands on all of that.

***

One piece of pastoral husband being that has been popping up more frequently in the past week, or so, is the assumption that I want to be involved in church happenings. Now, let me clarify. I am more than willing to help out with whatever needs to be done: cooking, cleaning, youth events, hang-outs, craft making, quilt sewing, visits, you name it I'm there. However, I like to be asked. My wife has been gracious enough to remind her church council of this. In fact, as I was preparing to eat dinner the lady in question called to ask me if I would be willing to help with a technological project at the church. Of course I said yes, but it was nice to be asked--even though my wife all but volunteered me to help anyway!

However, there was a moment this past Saturday when I was helping at the first attempt at a youth event, when I was asked how they could make it better. Naturally I said, "I don't know." Even though all last week I was hounding my wife with ways that they should have handled it. I felt a little guilty, but in experiencing how the conversations went in that circle of parishioners it was best for me to hold my tongue than potentially be there all day defending my views or being suckered into doing more work than I am willing to do at this point. Keep in mind, that this was the same church that when asked what they expected of me that they just wanted to see me around. However, I feel like the more they see me around the more they're going to want me to do things. This is a very dangerous path to traverse, especially when your wife is the pastor. She has the power to put your name on things and then conveniently forget to tell you about it until a few days out.

Luckily, this hasn't happened yet, and with luck on my side she will remember the art of asking as well. Who knows, but I'm trying to consult the church through my wife which isn't always the easiest thing to do, because it gets muddied and interpreted via multiple sets of ears. However, at this time I'm trying to figure out my own stuff. It has occurred to me that being involved with the church happenings is good for the process, but I'm not sold on that idea yet. We'll see what comes of this new project, and go from there. Oh, I have read during service once (slated for this upcoming Sunday as well) and got good reviews. So, there's that too.

I'm waiting to hear when I can preach at the church. We're shooting for sometime after the upcoming season--somewhere between Advent/Christmas and Easter, or ordinary time. That way it isn't during a high holiday in the church world. I'm kind of excited about the idea, but we'll see what happens in the months to come. Who knows, they might not like me that much after all.

Thanks for reading and as always reach out if there is anything I can do for you!

Sincerely,

A Pastor's Husband

P.S. I'm gearing up for a creative writing exposition throughout the month of December, so be looking for that in the weeks to come!