Happy Christ the King Sunday!
I know, I know. What does that mean? I don't really know, but from what I understand is that it marks the final Sunday of the church year. This upcoming week/Sunday marks the beginning of the season of Advent--the season of anticipation, of waiting, or Christmas for those of you who are more into high holidays.
Yes, Christmas is now 5 Sundays away. Are you ready? Yeah, me either. However, this week is Thanksgiving and so the holiday season begins.
This will be the first holiday season as a married man. First Christmas. First Thanksgiving. First New Year's Eve. Leading up to the first anniversary of marriage. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year already. However, now is not the time to reflect on anniversaries and such. There are still more Sundays to come for which it would be more appropriate. Although, the focus of my thoughts of the past couple of days have tied nicely into the idea of being married.
What does it mean?
Who does it benefit?
Who should benefit?
What did I get myself into?
For those of you who have been reading here for the past little while will know that I've been actively discerning what I perceive as a call to ordained ministry. I feel a pull on my heart to be a pastor of my own church. However, this process hasn't been easy and it grows more complicated as the days grow shorter and the darkness descends sooner. I've been journaling as best I can, praying with scripture--both as described by a spiritual director--and it's been good. I have talked to a few admissions people at various schools, planned a visit to one of those schools, and anxiously await the time when there might be a clear indication of what I'm supposed to be doing.
However, as I talking to my wife last night it seems like a lot of the reasons for not pursuing more education and a new career trajectory have been pushed aside as non-issues.
Yes, it will cost money but there are all sorts of scholarships and financial routes to gain assistance. Yes, it will take time, but I have time to work it out on my own time, because you can go as slow as you need (up to 10 years, give or take).
Yes, it will take some strategic maneuvering for the internships and other real-world application pieces.
No, we won't have to move to a new place until we're good and ready to relocate.
No, there isn't a rush for me to figure anything out.
No, I am not giving up on other avenues of revenue or career.
No, my wife doesn't think I'm crazy, but my parents probably will once I talk to them.
However, even with all of this starting to clear up there was a piece that I hadn't yet focused on. Everything up until now has been what do I want to do, what do I feel called to do, what do I need to figure out in order to really say for sure what is right to do right now. What about my wife? What about us? What about our relationship?
Again, it isn't that I had blatantly overlooked her, because she is such an active part in my discernment process--whether she likes it or not I rely on her as a sounding board for all of the craziness that gets rattling around in my brain, but I hadn't yet asked her what she wanted from me. From this. From anything. This is where a new area of discernment and discovery needs to take place.
What I do with my life effects her life too. If I become a pastor there are implications. If I become a full time teacher, there are implications. Of course I know this because like all intelligent people I was raised with the properties of nature at the forefront of my education (for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction). Now this doesn't necessarily have direct connections to this situation, but for every choice we make there are consequences. I wasn't aware of some of her feelings about the potential outcomes of this process because I hadn't asked her. I had only asked her in a round about way if she thought it was a possibility for me to be a pastor--yes it's possible, but does she want me to pursue such work? That's something a lot harder to breech, and to have an honest conversation about.
We started down that conversational path last night. It wasn't easy and it isn't over. I now realize that there are far bigger concerns than whether or not it is the right choice for me. The question is really, is it the right choice for us? At this point, I don't know. Each of us has dreams, concerns, wants and needs that seek to be fulfilled, and it is not right for either of us to intentionally squash the dreams of the other. However, how do we both realize our dreams without stepping on those of the other? It's more complicated than I thought, even though we have only started conversing about it.
In the end, we have just started walking down this path. It is my intention to keep moving forward with the process, but, now, being more mindful and intentional about conversing with my wife. It is not just the calling on my life that matters; she has a calling on her life as well, which needs to be uplifted and protected as well. I have been running away from my potential calling, while she has actively pursued hers. So, does this mean that I should continue to skating around this thing that is pulling me, or what?
The answer to that is really no, but we shall see what comes in the days that follow now that we have started up a new piece of conversation. Plus, as we finalize our plans to head east to visit a school, together, we will have time to discuss the implications of a new future. Our future. The future that awaits us... together, the only way that we will conqueror this world.
Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband
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