Good evening.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Holidays.
Merry New Year (almost).
Wow.
It's been a while since we met up, and for this I apologize. It is my fault, but none of you said anything about my absence so I don't feel that bad. I took a break during/following my trip to Philadelphia so that I could focus on what I experienced, and just be lazy for a minute. I did really well over the past period of time in writing 2 posts a week: a devotion and a reflection. So, I figured I deserved to take a break and just relax my mind a little bit. However, in the past few days/week I have started getting restless again, and so here I am taking back up the task of actively reflecting and keeping people appraised of what is going on in the life of this pastor's husband. Plus, I'm sure somebody is interested in a recap of what happened in Philadelphia and how the discernment process is going. So, there will be some of that as well. We'll see, but I'm hoping to keep this kind of short. Just a quick review, update and moving on to the next phase of life for me and my wife. So, let's get started so we can wrap it up sooner, rather than later:
Philadelphia.
So, we flew out to Philadelphia so I could check out the Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia, which is one of the 2 ELCA schools that have a distance program, which was the big appeal. I can do work from home, be a part of a community, and still work on being a pastor's husband until the time I become something else. I sat in on 3 different classes, which was a good experienced. Granted, it was the last days of class for the semester which provided an interesting view of the class. I got to hear the takeaways and the challenges that each student faced as they moved through the courses, as well as their appreciation for what they went through. Additionally, there was such a diverse group of people in each class in terms of age, race, and theological discipline. A majority of the students were something other than Lutheran, which was pretty awesome. To hear the different perspectives be acknowledged, supported and honored was really refreshing and something I feel should be happening in the wider church on the regular.
I also had the opportunity to talk to a couple of professors and admissions staff about prospects, interests and thoughts that I've had about the entire process. They were all super supportive and seemed to understand the apprehensions as well as the "special needs" that I have to consider before officially entering the process (married to a first call pastor who just started working). Also in talking with these people they made it seem like their school would be a good fit for me and my position in life. However, that is also their job as admission people--convince people that their school is the greatest. Beyond the typical school pride, there was also programmatic opportunities that they are developing and offer that are appealing as well. So, they left me with a lot of things to consider, a lot of things to ponder, and other places to visit. I still have a long ways to go before I can officially say that I'm doing anything different with my life. However, I have made a step in a direction, even though I haven't made any decisions yet. There are other schools to visit, more conversations to have, and work to be done before I am ready to commit to anything in particular.
In other news, there is a lot of cool history to see, touch, smell and be a part of in Philadelphia. We manged to do a good deal of sight seeing: Liberty Bell, excavation site of George Washington's original house, the room where the Declaration of Independence and Constitution were written and signed, the U.S. Mint, and Reading Market. All accessed in the Center City (Downtown) via a regional train. We trained into the Center City, walked around, saw a bunch of stuff, and trained back. It was windy, chilly and kind of cool to see all of the history stuff. Granted my wife got more enjoyment out of it than I did, but nonetheless it was the birthplace of America, and that has to mean something regardless of how interested one is in history.
***
Toe the Line.
In every stage of life we have lines to walk. More often than not these lines are tightly strung between two opposing views, ideas or thoughts that we have on a regular basis. It's never fun, nor is it ever easy. Often times I feel like we have to be really careful where we step so as to not offend the gentler sensibilities of those around us--especially if they are our supporters. Over the past few weeks I have been looking down at my feet a lot in order to better understand what my lines are bordered by. On either side there are forces, powers and positions that seem to be opposites and they're pulling at me with great vigor and interest in my future.
I want to maintain the line between.
I want to operate within the both/and.
I want to progress in the middle zones.
I want to do what I want.
This is all very vague because I haven't clearly delineated just what any of this means. Some of it is fairly clear cut. On one hand there are professional leanings. Then there are theological leanings. Then we have the familial bonds. Then we have the social bonds. Then we have the artistic sectors. Then we have... then we have... then we have... in every area of my life there seems to be an either/or positioning. I know this isn't unique to me, my situation, or anything else. However, it has produced in me a sense of worry and angst that has begun to wear down my confidence in the process that I have set-up for myself. The active pursuit of God and the meaning behind my pull toward ministry is being pushed aside by all of these lines that need to be toed carefully. Even today I was made aware of another potential line for my toes to tread softly...
I was pulled aside before church today by an inquiring parishioner who was interested in our trip to Philadelphia. I explained much of what is listed above--the potential, the opportunities, the setting--to which their response was to explain to me that they have been thinking about my relationship with my wife and had a concern about the potential direction that I am taking my life in. Particularly as it concerned having one or two children in the future (which is their hope). They informed me since pastors work time and a half (60+ hours a week) that it can be really difficult to raise them properly if both parents are pastors. I mean, if I were a full time teacher instead of a pastor, I could still be putting in the same number of hours in a very rigid schedule. I wasn't really convinced that this was the most sage concern, but it nonetheless highlighted the line between professional choices and being a parent. There are so many questions, comments and concerns I have floating around in my head that I am ever grateful for my wife who's job it is to listen and stand by me and help me. I would have probably given up a long time ago had it not been for her and her support. It makes me think that there might be a god out there after all.
***
Tow the Cross.
There is an image throughout the world of Christian thought of one picking up their cross. The idea is that we all have our own cross and it is our responsibility to carry it.
It's your cross to bear.
It's my cross to bear.
It's our cross to bear.
It's a cross we all bear.
Sometimes it's just too heavy. More often than not I merely drag my cross behind me because my shoulders are too bruised to hold it up any longer. I lash it around my waist and trudge along with it dragging behind me. Each step it gets a little heavier, but at least it isn't resting my shoulders... in fact there are times where I forget it's there at all. Just pushing through the dirt. However, I have learned over the past few weeks that sometimes it's okay to let somebody take a little of the weight of our crosses. It isn't always our burden alone that we have to carry through the world. In fact there is that cheesy poem about the footprints in the sand. I'm not always convinced that it's Jesus who is always doing the carrying (there are times it feels like he has jumped on my back and I have to carry him around too), but the idea remains the same. There is help available if we will just get vulnerable and humble ourselves to the power of grace and the spirit of God.
Most of you know really know me, which is fine, however if you did you would say that I don't often ask for help. I don't often share deep, meaningful parts of my soul to people. It's not easy for me because I have become so good at locking away the pain and struggle that it doesn't often breech the surface. It wasn't until after my second visit to the spiritual director that I really started realizing things that I hadn't really dealt with; things that I haven't really let breathe; things that had been silently affecting the way I conducted my life on a daily basis. Now, I'm not about to go on a True Confessions rant, but I just wanted to share that sometimes it's better to let somebody help you bear the weight of your cross for a minute so you can let it out, let it go, deal with it however you need. It isn't good to hold things in forever, we have to deal with it otherwise it will dictate how our lives are lived out.
I will share one anecdote though, because it was a powerful moment between my wife and I that I feel should be shared, it goes something like this:
I was sitting on the couch, just the other night. The Christmas tree had been on and we had just finished watching a movie (I believe it was Captain Fantastic... you should check it out). During the movie several thoughts had occurred to me and I made mention of this as we were just sitting in the living room. My wife then asked me what my thoughts were. I started off okay, merely attempting to tell her what had come to mind while watching the movie, which was something along the lines of how people cope with the loss of a loved one, and the fact that I don't. I have never really coped with loss, pain or struggle in dealing with the loss of anyone in my life. Plenty of relatives have passed, but the struggle for me is allowing it to be a real event--they really are gone, they're not coming back, even if I haven't seen them in years. I then attempted to rationalize the loss of my grandma away by saying that we knew it was coming, but it didn't quite make it out. I began to cry. I allowed myself to be the moment with the pain associated with the loss of my grandmother for the first time since it happened, which was just about a year ago. My cross became too heavy for me to even drag across the ground so my wife stepped in and helped me. She pulled on the rope as we walked together through the darkness of the pain. It was okay for me to let her help me. It was okay for me to feel the pain of that loss. It was okay...
I still haven't dealt with it completely, but I have started down a better path toward proper dealing. However, what wasn't okay in that moment was my wife trying to pull the pastor card, and I told her that. I didn't need to be my pastor in that place. I needed her to be my wife and friend. She quickly put the pastor card away and resumed the loving friend that I really needed. Following this particular moment, were a few more where I had expanded my sphere of hurt to other moments of loss and times of need--times that didn't turn out as well as this most recent one. I feel it is very important to reach out for help when we need it, but it's also so important to reach back when there is hand extending toward you--grab it, if only for a moment, because you never know how much good you will be able to do.
There is probably more to be said about the "pastor card," but I feel that is better left for another week's reflection.
***
In conclusion, I have a great network of support all around me. Some visible. Some less visible. Some imaginary. I thank-you, each and every one of you for all that you do. It has not gone unnoticed, I'm just bad at saying something. Again, I thank-you for everything said, unsaid, done, undone and everything in between.
As we leave the time of advent and move quickly through the time of Christmas (12 days to be precise), we are moving ever closer to the climax of the Jesus story. However, we always have work to do, and our daily quest for discernment is a portion of that work. The rest is what we are doing in the world: feeding, clothing, visiting, rescuing, helping, serving, making. It is time for me to start doing in the world as well as figuring out my life. As the next chapter unfolds before us, take note of what works, what doesn't work, and where you want your feet to be planted. Allow your toes to dip into many waters, it's okay not to settle.
Toe the line.
Tow the cross.
It's your life.
Live it for God!
Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband
