All Signs Point to "Yes" // Decisions, Decisions

Well, well, well.

It's has been a good, long while since I have sat down and just blogged about what has been happening in the life of this pastor's husband. I have kept up on the weekly devotions though, so if you haven't read those yet--what are you waiting for? Needless to say I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading, talking and sleeping since we last saw each other. Unfortunately, there are no real updates to be shared, and considering it's Wednesday, there isn't a whole lot of drive to be sitting here writing. However, I'm here and my fingers and flying across the keys in order to share the news with you.

I was going to write earlier today, but figured it would be better to wait until after my meeting with the Assistant to the Bishop of our synod, which happened earlier this evening. I went up to the synod offices to meet with him about the candidacy process, which is the official step to be taken for me to become a pastor. Just like my wife had to go through, and every other ELCA pastor had to go through before me. They screen you, test you, and support you through the various levels of pastordom, and I wanted to meet with them in order to show that I'm seriously considering it, and see if there is any new information to be gained for my research purposes.

Needless to say I've still not committed to a particular path yet, which is frustrating for me. I really just want to know what I'm supposed to be doing, and work towards that. This business about figuring things out is what has led me to walking away from the church so many times. There have been plenty of times when I was ready to jump headfirst into the church business but then stalled out so long that I just gave up on the notion all together. I feel that this is starting to happen again; now as I sit here and go through the motions of figuring out a life path. I feel as if there is only so many thought experiments that can be done in this situation, so many times I can re-hash the same scenarios and come up with the same conclusions.

All signs point to yes!

I have been over the thoughts, steps and potential outcomes at least a million times and it always ends up the same. There is nothing to lose, except for some time and money, in taking the next steps. It will only hurt a little bit if it doesn't work out, but if I never take that step I'll always be idling at the starting line questioning what I'm supposed to be doing. However, even with all of the affirmations and support I am still hesitant to commit to anything. I fear making the wrong choice, losing both time and money, as well as losing the potential for finding a full time teaching gig. Although, there's something to be said about not wanting that to happen as well... I have been having a hard time feeling comfortable in the teaching positions that I've had lately. The more I get behind the scenes the less I feel good about it. I'm not sure, but I haven't really stopped to really be present in those moments in order to discern what the issue is. However, I still have time in the classroom scheduled, so there will be plenty of opportunities to be present in moments of concern, joy, sorrow and otherwise. I just feel like I'm just going through the motions, that there is something else, or more I am supposed to be doing.

Nonetheless, I'm still alive. Still married. Still going to church weekly. Still teaching as a substitute. Still everything that I was before, however I'm one step closer to taking an official step towards becoming a pastor. We'll see what happens in the months that come. There is still a lot of things to consider before making any official decisions: a new car, previous student loans, children (potentially), and all of the things that will inevitably come up between now and forever. Although, I made one of those tough phone calls the other day, I had mentioned them in previous posts--I think--and contacted my first pastor (ever). She informed me that she's now 87 years old, that being a pastor is hard, and so is being married. When I told her I was thinking about being a pastor again, she asked me, "Why are you thinking about it? Just do it!" So, even my first pastor is pointing to yes and she hasn't seen me in at least 10 years, if not longer. It was really a powerful moment in the past few days: talking to her for the first time. She has been wanting me to call for several years now as I checked in with her via letters and event invitations. However, I finally got around to it last week.

All signs point to yes.

What does the future hold for this pastor's husband? Only time and God know.

I could still be a teacher.
I could be going back to school.
I could become a pastor.
Only time and God know.

We shall see what happens, but I feel the decision is mine, and mine alone. God has a plan in place, it's up to me to find the willingness to follow it fully, instead of being pulled around all the time. Is it time to submit, take the plunge and get some pastoral education? I don't know.

All signs point to yes... but we'll see!

Sincerely,
A Pastor's Husband