A Day Late; A Dollar Short // Not About the Benjamins

First, I must apologize for not being timely with this post. When I originally set out on this project it was going to be a weekly post, and the deadline was Sunday at Midnight. Needless to say it is now Monday at 6pm, which makes me 18 hours late. However, at the same time, the important part is that I write regularly, not necessarily when it actually gets published.

Secondly, I want to thank everybody who read the last post. I believe it was a record for me on any of my blogs--much love! My hope is that I can find a way to attract a regular viewership so that this project is more meaningful to more than just me and my wife. I want to write about meaningful things that highlight the issues facing people in the church, outside of the church, and build a network of support for everybody involved. Now, I realize that this is probably a long way off, but if we can continue to have record days anything is possible.

Third, here comes the meat.

After last week, things have started to look okay for us again. We have another interview set-up; I have a part time job lined up for at least part of the summer; We have until July to live in our current house until other arrangements need to be made; We're doing okay. However, there is always this cloud hanging over our heads, especially when it comes to work--getting a job, having a job, getting multiple jobs, paying bills, future bills, goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. Everything about life generally revolves around money. Even the American social scene is generally divided down these lines, with the haves on one side and the have nots on the other. I'd rather have and not have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads, or if we have kids, taking care of them. It's the great American struggle that nobody seems to be able to put a stop to.

We have a war on drugs.

We have a war on christmas.

We have the pseudo-persecution of American Christians.

We still have the poor, who will always be with us.

I don't know about you, but I would rather be poor in spirit than not be able to pay my bills. I realize that this is the opposite attitude I should have, especially since my wife's job revolves around attempting to help people better their soul perspective in some ways--there is more to it than that, but there is soul repair in there somewhere. This notion of preferring to pay the bills, as opposed to attend to the well being of my mind, body and spirit is nothing new to me. I am a worker; I will bust my back for the good of myself and others without considering the toll it is taking on my personal well being.

There were times when I would work 7 days a week, just because there was work to be done. Just last semester I student taught full time during the day, and then worked as many as 6 nights a week just to keep a steady income for bills and other expenses. That was equivalent of, essentially, working 2 full time jobs, but only getting paid for one.

The thing is it doesn't matter if I only have one job, or 5 jobs, I will do my best to put everything I have into all of them with no consideration of what might be happening to the rest of my life: my mind, my soul, my relationships with people outside of work, none of it matters where there is work to be done. Now, needless to say, given enough time, performance begins to slip and the cracks start showing through my superman costume. I cannot be all things to all people for very long; especially not if I give out more of myself than can be restored.

I need to rest.

I need to step back.

I need to say no.

I need to work for the greater good of others, while taking the time to work for the greater good of myself.

It's not easy saying no to things, especially when so much of my future life is unknown. I want to take proper measures of things now so there are no surprises later on. The dreaded, "What if..." keeps me awake at night, because it holds such much power over the planner nature that I hold within me. I want a clear cut path forward or I freak out. I cannot handle the mystery of not having a plan, and this current season of my life is full of holes and mysteries--and it isn't my doing either. If I hadn't taken the time to marry my wife, there is really no telling what I might be doing, but I know I wouldn't be worried about when my wife was going to get a job. I would be working through my life and figuring it out solo, which is really no way to live either.

However, I am proud to announce that on the morning of May 18th, 2016, I said no. I took inventory of my time, my needs, and the needs of my wife and I backed out of a second part time job. I had put in for a summer job here at the school, helping with the maintenance team,  but then I also interviewed for a job at one of the local grocery stores, got it, and was slated to start training on the 18th. Needless to say I talked it over with my wife, and we both decided that it wasn't really worth having a second job. Especially since one job was working from 7:30-3:00 Monday-Friday; and the other would be nights and weekends to fill in the gaps.

That's potentially over 40 hours of work a week, and yet I'm supposed to be working on being a better husband? How does that work? If I don't have time to spend with my wife, there is no way that I could better my half of the relationship--it doesn't work that way. In order to work on a relationship both people need to be present, and at this point in time it's more important to be present than working 1000 hours to pay bills.

Yes, bills need to be paid.

Yes, bills will always be there.

Yes, I need to be with my wife in order to love her properly.

It isn't about the amount of money one has in the bank. It isn't about the amount of money one brings home from overworking themselves to death. It isn't, really, about money at all. It is about the relationships we foster between ourselves and others. We have to be present in the world in order to make a difference, and that's what I really want to do. I want to make a difference in the world, but until I can figure out how to pay the bills by making a difference in the world... I'm just going to have to balance my work life and my home life. We may always be broke, but we'll at least be broke together--unless she leaves me (it's her turn!).

In conclusion, I like to smart off to my wife such things as, "God helps those, who help themselves." In general, I say this to be snide and make fun of her for not being a productive member of our household--not having a job will do that to a person. As snarky as I typically say such things, there is a lesson to be learned here as well; For me and for those of you who are willing to read this. The lesson being this: helping yourself doesn't always mean doing more; sometimes it requires us to say no to more. In order to truly change the world, we need to know that we are putting our best selves out there, and that can't happen if you're working yourself into a stupor.

At this time I would like to thank my wife, for allowing me to make this hard decision on my own all the while fully supporting me in whatever I had decided to do. I love that you support me even if you foresee pitfalls and detriments in my actions--you're the type of lover who will let me take 3 steps in the wrong direction, but still be there when I fall over from exhaustion. Even though, I'm sure there will be times when I would rather you speak up, rather than wait for me to fail. Nonetheless, these are my words to you. Thank-you.

Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband