The Eagle Has Landed // Get to the Choppa'

Fancy meeting you here, especially like this and after all of this time. It's like it was destined by the powers that govern the universe or something awesome like that. I realize that my goal, when this all started was to write to you once a week. Up until the past while I was doing pretty good, however at the same time it felt like I was forcing things--I was writing for the sake of writing, rather than providing you with meaningful thoughts, feelings and relational jargon. Nonetheless, over the past however many weeks I've been busy trying to figure out what it means to be an adult, and hating every second of it.

Just to catch you up a little bit, here's what you've missed out on:

• I flew out to Montana.
• I watched my wife become an ordained leader of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.
• We drove back to Iowa the next day (19 hours).
• We slept for a few hours that morning.
• We drove with my family to our storage unit; loaded a U-Haul truck; drove to new house; unloaded U-Haul truck.
• We unpacked, organized and made the spaces at least hospitable enough for us to be in.
• We continued to unpack, organize, and just figure out the beginnings of a new life together in a new space, while waiting for work to begin.
• We spent a lot of time at the Public Library: using the internet, checking out movies and books, and sucking up the air conditioning.
• Megan started work last Tuesday--her first days as an official pastor. (She has preached twice now!)
• I finally got approved for substitute teaching in both of the local school districts--started subbing as quickly as possible.
• We bough a washer and dryer; got the internet; and had major repairs done to our cars.
• We've had one pay check between the two of us and we don't know how much money we can actually spend of that check (self-employed/clergy tax stuff needs to be figured out).
• Our first bills are due in a few weeks (Internet, credit card for the washer/dryer, and everything else really).
• We're doing it; we're making it happen; we haven't killed each other yet (come close a couple of times, but nothing too serious).

 So, that's what you've missed out on. Not a whole lot, but reading between the lines is where you see that there has been a great deal of struggle, pain, and strife that has come up between us. Just like the rest of you, our lives have not been made any easier by transitioning into a new life together. Starting a life together is very hard, and I've shed a lot of tears over the past few weeks. At first I was able to hold them back, but it became harder and harder until they just started pouring down my face according to their will--nothing I could do to stop it. I was scared, tired, hurt and longing for the comfort of familiar surroundings and life. I wanted my old life back, because I was scared of all of the new.

I wept.
My wife consoled me.
I wept.
My wife consoled me.
I was weak.
She was strong.

I probably would have tucked tail and ran if it weren't for my wife. Now, I know she doesn't really know how to console me; nor do I really know how to be consoled because emotions aren't rational--they sneak up on you and strike in unorthodox ways. She tried her best, and I did the same, and together we managed to get through it for now. That's what being a team is, and we got there. However, this is not to say that things were any better on the other side of the consoling--backing to the irrational nature of emotions. However, we've progressed and we are slowly working out what types of support are needed from each of us in order to continue progressing toward our goals in life.

So, even though there hasn't been a lot of good insight into what it means to be a pastor's husband in the transition into this new life, I have started to experience some external pressure and the resurfacing of some internal demons (for the lack of a better term) over the last 2 weeks since my wife has officially taken over the church.

First, have you ever met with a group of people you don't really belong with, but you were invited to go anyway? For instance, does your church have a 50+ group that meets once a month for fellowship, and you being the pastor's husband are invited to join the pastor at their gathering? Well, that happened, and let me tell you, those people can talk and carry on a conversation for hours and it was a lot of fun. However, following that encounter I got the distinct impression, mostly because they said it, that I was supposed to be at church every Sunday. Just because I was the husband of their pastor, it is my job to be in church--nevermind that I'm not really Lutheran, nevermind that I might not be a practicing Christian, they didn't care. If your spouse is the pastor of our church, you'll be in church too. Now, this isn't such a big deal, because they are not the boss of me, however it was kind of off-putting at first. I've been there both Sundays so far, and it's been fine--not really my style of church, but my wife is the pastor and she wants me there.

She wants my support.
She wants my presance to be felt.
She wants to see me in the pew.
She wants me to give it a shot.

So, I went. They know my name, they ask me questions about my quest to find employment and seem genuinely interested in what's happening in my life as an individual, which stems from the fact that I am their pastor's husband. That's their initial connection to me, but I am interested to see what sort of connections we can form beyond that. Granted that rests on my shoulders too, because like some of you may know, I don't play well with others right away. I'm more likely to walk away from a church before really getting to know the people who attend there, which has been a big problem for me over the past several years.

In fact, this generally extends far beyond the confines of the church--anybody who wants to be my friend has to really work hard or they get left behind. It probably stems from a few poor relationship choices I've made over the years, and the "go-it-alone" attitude that I've formed over the years of being let down by groups of people--it's easier just to do it yourself. So, this often times leaves me wandering the desert alone, wondering why I don't have many friends or people around to hang out with.

It's my fault.
I bring them in.
I push them away.
I end up alone.

I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to run away from people, especially not when my wife is going to be working with them for the next period of time to build them up, bring them up and feed them with life giving bread. That's important to her, and it's been on my agenda for a while too. However, you probably didn't know that about me either... Although, I think I did mention a little bit about my faith journey in a previous post, however in the past few days some of that history has started to stir up thoughts that I thought I had buried/dealt with.

Now, without getting too graphic with this trip through my faith life, here are a few key points that will make the next phase a little easier to deal with:

• Started going to church in 5/6th grade
• Walked away after a falling out with my best friend (the reason I was at the church)
• 4-5 years later I stepped back into the same church I left
• We started a social ministry/outreach program for our home town--we set-up local christian concerts
• Our efforts culminated in a music festival, which featured 19 bands from around the region.
• Somewhere in there I walked away from the church again, not sure exactly when.
• Studied religion in college.
• Was a part of the campus ministry team.
• Tried to push a social ministry platform for the ministry team, but ended up quitting my leadership position there.
• Did a year of service in a ELCA church in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
• Walked away from a second year of the church spouting nonsense about not wanting to work with high school students and wanted to get back into academic youth work (which I did, but not with high school students)
• Toyed with the idea of finding a church again; never really trying all that hard.
• Got twisted up with my wife, and while dating she made me go to church when I visited her (she was an intern at an ELCA church in South Dakota at the time).
• I was standing in the kitchen 2 days ago and it struck me that I might want to be a parish minister--a pastor of a church.

Now, I know I posted somewhere on this thing about my fears of co-opting my wife's work at her church, which is a real fear when my mind digs up this longing to be a pastor again. Is it jealousy? It is genuine? Is it a phase that will pass like a bad hair cut? I don't know. I know I have struggled with the idea, feeling or whatever about being a pastor for many years now (off and on; here and there; always walking away or burying it). It's come back and I'm not sure what to do with it. So, naturally, being a pastor's husband I talk to my wife about it. She gets it, she knows my story, knows my fears, and supports me in whatever it is I decide is going to be best for me--except going back to school right now; not such a good idea! I also reached out to a pastor friend of mine and he gave me some things to think about; things to ponder; and immediate action steps.

He told me that I need to support my wife, communicate with my wife, and get plugged into a community of believers. I need to find a place to build relationships with people and explore my connection to the ministry and explore possibilities for life in the church. Like mentioned above, this is easier said than done. However, I have made a commitment to my wife and myself to be as involved in her parish as I possibly can. She wants to bring young adult ministry opportunities, she wants to figure out youth stuff, she wants to do outreach stuff, she wants to do a lot of the things that I've done and have experience with. I can be an asset to her team, as long as I don't get cold feet and walk way. I know she will understand if I do, but I'm going to have to have a good reason for it though. The people in the church want me there, she wants me there, and I want to want to be there. I need a community, and I've been without it for far too long. If I'm going to figure out what God, the universe and everything in it wants from me, then being with people is a good place to start.

So, that's where I am. I'm trying to figure out what it means to officially be a pastor's wife, while experiencing this longing to do what she's doing.

Will it pass?
Is it real?
There's got to be answers somewhere.
We just have to find them.

So, with all of that out there for public consumption, I'm going to leave you with this final thought:

Do what makes you happy!

Sincerely
A Pastor's Husband