It's that time again. Here we go...
So, this past week I was able to spend a lot of time on my own: sitting, reading, reflecting, watching TV, and most recently spend a little time with my brother and the rest of my family back home. It's been a good weekend, but it's quickly coming to a close--even though there is still another complete day and then some to live through. Work begins on Tuesday, Summer starts, and the long trek through the unknown continues.
The reason I was alone this week was not my design. You see my wife was able to score a scholarship to go to a 3-4 day conference about identifying and preventing child abuse, and other forms of abuse, in the church. She also took this trip as an opportunity to visit friends and family in the area. Needless to say, I was left home because I still have some substitute teaching gigs to work through, which allowed for a little "stay-cation" of sorts. However, I didn't think it was fair that she got a vacation and I didn't, so I decided to visit my family for a little bit of the Memorial Day Weekend. Not really the same thing, but it is what it is, and I'm not very good at vacation so it is always short lived and I always jump back into "real life" before I've had an adequate time to rest and recover.
However, this isn't about me and my poor vacationing skills. Like mentioned above this week presented an opportunity to do some things on my own, which isn't always a good thing, but there were some highlights that I would like to share and expand on for a short time with you now.
As a part of this project, the entire pastor's husband thing, I really wanted to get back to the roots of my writing. For those of you who don't know anything about me, the true beginning of my interest in writing wasn't until my undergraduate career, where I was given the opportunity to write academic papers following research on some theological ideas: history of the church, post-modern though, life of Martin Luther, and all kinds of other topics. Now, they probably weren't very good, but I did graduate with honors in the religion program. However, the thing was my advisor, professor and theological mentor (of sorts) really encouraged me to be myself and keep up the work--praising my writing ability and the work I was doing. Since then, I've really struggled to tap back into the academic style of writing: developing a question, searching for answers and compiling the information. Since then I have deviated into other forms of writing: rants, raves, poems, stories, Facebook status updates, etc.
I have taken some of the academic steps by coming up with a question and looking for answers, however there aren't very many avenues for finding answers. If you were to search the internet for resources for a pastor's husband, you're not going to find very many. You may find a few articles about a male pastor who's wife is also a pastor, but that's not the situation I find myself in. Other than that, there are endless articles about male charismatic pastors who have wives that run the show behind the scenes.
What about me?
What about males like me?
Who is there to help us?
Anybody?
Not really. I think the issue is that the church culture has not caught up to the social culture in which it is working. Yes, there are church movements that are calling for the modernization of their practices, but considering the church was built up over centuries of sordid histories, it's going to take a lot of moving to get the field leveled out.
With that being said, there are those church leaders who feel as if they know what the issue is; they have the fix; they know what needs to be done in order to prosper their lives, their churches, and their communities. However, they still aren't playing the same game I am; their rules don't seem to apply to me. Now, before you raise your heckles and judge me too harshly, finish reading... or not, either way I'm okay with you--still love you!
So, over the past week I had the opportunity to eat with neighbors, work with students, read some pleasure books, and make an attempt at reading a book about what it means to have a God-centered marriage. One of these things is not like the other....
In my longing to find some more academic resources, I decided to try to find some books pertaining to the role of marriage in the church, or marriage for church people. I figured what better place to start on my journey, than to see what church leaders and, by extension, The Bible had to say about marriage and the roles that people were supposed to play in the practice of being married. Therefore, I went to the local library and picked up one of these "marriage user manuals from God."
I tried...
I really wanted to...
I couldn't...
I quit...
I made it chapter 2 of this book and could not force myself to read any further. At first I was holding out hope that there would be enough material that applied to the life that I wanted to see develop between my wife and I; but it quickly became a one-sided argument about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, and it didn't feel good to read. I'm not going to get into details, because there are a lot of people who think differently than I do, and I respect them and I cherish the relationships I have with them--they know who they are, and they know we see things differently.
With that being said, I do not see my role in my marriage to be anything other than a partner, a supporter, a challenger, a lover, and sometimes a jerk (it's bound to happen, so might as well own it). There are all types of cultural differences, social constructs, and ideas about what it means to be married and what it means to be in relationship with God; and I'm not sure we are in the proper place to determine what the later dictates of the former. We can all read the bible verses that refer to women as lesser, as being subordinate, as being the vessels for carrying creation, as being the helper, as being the servant, as being an object of possession, but times have changed. We went through the Suffrage Movement, we went through the Civil Rights Movement, we are still going through these movements in our country because somebody thinks all people are equal.
This does not mean that there aren't roles to be played in society; that certain types of temperament are needed for the world to maintain a harmonious appearance, but this is not limited to gender. I can be a tender hearted, caring male just as easily as my wife can be a authoritative leader. It doesn't matter what is between one's legs, what matters is what's in their heart. I don't need to be the "boss" of my wife--I can tell her what to do, but she doesn't have to listen (nor does she that often anyway). We are working out a system that works for us, and I don't think I need The Bible, a marriage book, or any other resource to tell me what our relationship is supposed to look like.
There will be mistakes.
There will be tears.
There will be hurts.
There will be pain.
There will be love.
We'll figure out what works for us without the dictates of other people. Yes, we'll ask advice; we'll see help when we need it (sometimes); and we understand that we cannot do this alone. However, to be told how to live life together is not the goal of this. To turn around and dictate to other men what their lives need to look like if their wife is called into church ministry, is not my goal. My goal is to document my journey toward God with my wife--that's it.
Eventually, I might come up with good resources, create my own, or just give up and go to seminary myself.
Either way, there will be documentation about my journey. There will be written proof that it is possible to struggle with an identity that is yet to be mainlined. It's possible to find God, while not going to church and loving your wife.
It's possible!
We can do it!
We will do it!
It's going to be okay!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. We have another interview set-up for next week, so here's hoping I am one step away from officially being a pastor's husband (or at least, one step closer!).
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2016
A Day Late; A Dollar Short // Not About the Benjamins
First, I must apologize for not being timely with this post. When I originally set out on this project it was going to be a weekly post, and the deadline was Sunday at Midnight. Needless to say it is now Monday at 6pm, which makes me 18 hours late. However, at the same time, the important part is that I write regularly, not necessarily when it actually gets published.
Secondly, I want to thank everybody who read the last post. I believe it was a record for me on any of my blogs--much love! My hope is that I can find a way to attract a regular viewership so that this project is more meaningful to more than just me and my wife. I want to write about meaningful things that highlight the issues facing people in the church, outside of the church, and build a network of support for everybody involved. Now, I realize that this is probably a long way off, but if we can continue to have record days anything is possible.
Third, here comes the meat.
After last week, things have started to look okay for us again. We have another interview set-up; I have a part time job lined up for at least part of the summer; We have until July to live in our current house until other arrangements need to be made; We're doing okay. However, there is always this cloud hanging over our heads, especially when it comes to work--getting a job, having a job, getting multiple jobs, paying bills, future bills, goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. Everything about life generally revolves around money. Even the American social scene is generally divided down these lines, with the haves on one side and the have nots on the other. I'd rather have and not have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads, or if we have kids, taking care of them. It's the great American struggle that nobody seems to be able to put a stop to.
We have a war on drugs.
We have a war on christmas.
We have the pseudo-persecution of American Christians.
We still have the poor, who will always be with us.
I don't know about you, but I would rather be poor in spirit than not be able to pay my bills. I realize that this is the opposite attitude I should have, especially since my wife's job revolves around attempting to help people better their soul perspective in some ways--there is more to it than that, but there is soul repair in there somewhere. This notion of preferring to pay the bills, as opposed to attend to the well being of my mind, body and spirit is nothing new to me. I am a worker; I will bust my back for the good of myself and others without considering the toll it is taking on my personal well being.
There were times when I would work 7 days a week, just because there was work to be done. Just last semester I student taught full time during the day, and then worked as many as 6 nights a week just to keep a steady income for bills and other expenses. That was equivalent of, essentially, working 2 full time jobs, but only getting paid for one.
The thing is it doesn't matter if I only have one job, or 5 jobs, I will do my best to put everything I have into all of them with no consideration of what might be happening to the rest of my life: my mind, my soul, my relationships with people outside of work, none of it matters where there is work to be done. Now, needless to say, given enough time, performance begins to slip and the cracks start showing through my superman costume. I cannot be all things to all people for very long; especially not if I give out more of myself than can be restored.
I need to rest.
I need to step back.
I need to say no.
I need to work for the greater good of others, while taking the time to work for the greater good of myself.
It's not easy saying no to things, especially when so much of my future life is unknown. I want to take proper measures of things now so there are no surprises later on. The dreaded, "What if..." keeps me awake at night, because it holds such much power over the planner nature that I hold within me. I want a clear cut path forward or I freak out. I cannot handle the mystery of not having a plan, and this current season of my life is full of holes and mysteries--and it isn't my doing either. If I hadn't taken the time to marry my wife, there is really no telling what I might be doing, but I know I wouldn't be worried about when my wife was going to get a job. I would be working through my life and figuring it out solo, which is really no way to live either.
However, I am proud to announce that on the morning of May 18th, 2016, I said no. I took inventory of my time, my needs, and the needs of my wife and I backed out of a second part time job. I had put in for a summer job here at the school, helping with the maintenance team, but then I also interviewed for a job at one of the local grocery stores, got it, and was slated to start training on the 18th. Needless to say I talked it over with my wife, and we both decided that it wasn't really worth having a second job. Especially since one job was working from 7:30-3:00 Monday-Friday; and the other would be nights and weekends to fill in the gaps.
That's potentially over 40 hours of work a week, and yet I'm supposed to be working on being a better husband? How does that work? If I don't have time to spend with my wife, there is no way that I could better my half of the relationship--it doesn't work that way. In order to work on a relationship both people need to be present, and at this point in time it's more important to be present than working 1000 hours to pay bills.
Yes, bills need to be paid.
Yes, bills will always be there.
Yes, I need to be with my wife in order to love her properly.
It isn't about the amount of money one has in the bank. It isn't about the amount of money one brings home from overworking themselves to death. It isn't, really, about money at all. It is about the relationships we foster between ourselves and others. We have to be present in the world in order to make a difference, and that's what I really want to do. I want to make a difference in the world, but until I can figure out how to pay the bills by making a difference in the world... I'm just going to have to balance my work life and my home life. We may always be broke, but we'll at least be broke together--unless she leaves me (it's her turn!).
In conclusion, I like to smart off to my wife such things as, "God helps those, who help themselves." In general, I say this to be snide and make fun of her for not being a productive member of our household--not having a job will do that to a person. As snarky as I typically say such things, there is a lesson to be learned here as well; For me and for those of you who are willing to read this. The lesson being this: helping yourself doesn't always mean doing more; sometimes it requires us to say no to more. In order to truly change the world, we need to know that we are putting our best selves out there, and that can't happen if you're working yourself into a stupor.
At this time I would like to thank my wife, for allowing me to make this hard decision on my own all the while fully supporting me in whatever I had decided to do. I love that you support me even if you foresee pitfalls and detriments in my actions--you're the type of lover who will let me take 3 steps in the wrong direction, but still be there when I fall over from exhaustion. Even though, I'm sure there will be times when I would rather you speak up, rather than wait for me to fail. Nonetheless, these are my words to you. Thank-you.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Secondly, I want to thank everybody who read the last post. I believe it was a record for me on any of my blogs--much love! My hope is that I can find a way to attract a regular viewership so that this project is more meaningful to more than just me and my wife. I want to write about meaningful things that highlight the issues facing people in the church, outside of the church, and build a network of support for everybody involved. Now, I realize that this is probably a long way off, but if we can continue to have record days anything is possible.
Third, here comes the meat.
After last week, things have started to look okay for us again. We have another interview set-up; I have a part time job lined up for at least part of the summer; We have until July to live in our current house until other arrangements need to be made; We're doing okay. However, there is always this cloud hanging over our heads, especially when it comes to work--getting a job, having a job, getting multiple jobs, paying bills, future bills, goals, dreams, aspirations, etc. Everything about life generally revolves around money. Even the American social scene is generally divided down these lines, with the haves on one side and the have nots on the other. I'd rather have and not have to worry about keeping a roof over our heads, or if we have kids, taking care of them. It's the great American struggle that nobody seems to be able to put a stop to.
We have a war on drugs.
We have a war on christmas.
We have the pseudo-persecution of American Christians.
We still have the poor, who will always be with us.
I don't know about you, but I would rather be poor in spirit than not be able to pay my bills. I realize that this is the opposite attitude I should have, especially since my wife's job revolves around attempting to help people better their soul perspective in some ways--there is more to it than that, but there is soul repair in there somewhere. This notion of preferring to pay the bills, as opposed to attend to the well being of my mind, body and spirit is nothing new to me. I am a worker; I will bust my back for the good of myself and others without considering the toll it is taking on my personal well being.
There were times when I would work 7 days a week, just because there was work to be done. Just last semester I student taught full time during the day, and then worked as many as 6 nights a week just to keep a steady income for bills and other expenses. That was equivalent of, essentially, working 2 full time jobs, but only getting paid for one.
The thing is it doesn't matter if I only have one job, or 5 jobs, I will do my best to put everything I have into all of them with no consideration of what might be happening to the rest of my life: my mind, my soul, my relationships with people outside of work, none of it matters where there is work to be done. Now, needless to say, given enough time, performance begins to slip and the cracks start showing through my superman costume. I cannot be all things to all people for very long; especially not if I give out more of myself than can be restored.
I need to rest.
I need to step back.
I need to say no.
I need to work for the greater good of others, while taking the time to work for the greater good of myself.
It's not easy saying no to things, especially when so much of my future life is unknown. I want to take proper measures of things now so there are no surprises later on. The dreaded, "What if..." keeps me awake at night, because it holds such much power over the planner nature that I hold within me. I want a clear cut path forward or I freak out. I cannot handle the mystery of not having a plan, and this current season of my life is full of holes and mysteries--and it isn't my doing either. If I hadn't taken the time to marry my wife, there is really no telling what I might be doing, but I know I wouldn't be worried about when my wife was going to get a job. I would be working through my life and figuring it out solo, which is really no way to live either.
However, I am proud to announce that on the morning of May 18th, 2016, I said no. I took inventory of my time, my needs, and the needs of my wife and I backed out of a second part time job. I had put in for a summer job here at the school, helping with the maintenance team, but then I also interviewed for a job at one of the local grocery stores, got it, and was slated to start training on the 18th. Needless to say I talked it over with my wife, and we both decided that it wasn't really worth having a second job. Especially since one job was working from 7:30-3:00 Monday-Friday; and the other would be nights and weekends to fill in the gaps.
That's potentially over 40 hours of work a week, and yet I'm supposed to be working on being a better husband? How does that work? If I don't have time to spend with my wife, there is no way that I could better my half of the relationship--it doesn't work that way. In order to work on a relationship both people need to be present, and at this point in time it's more important to be present than working 1000 hours to pay bills.
Yes, bills need to be paid.
Yes, bills will always be there.
Yes, I need to be with my wife in order to love her properly.
It isn't about the amount of money one has in the bank. It isn't about the amount of money one brings home from overworking themselves to death. It isn't, really, about money at all. It is about the relationships we foster between ourselves and others. We have to be present in the world in order to make a difference, and that's what I really want to do. I want to make a difference in the world, but until I can figure out how to pay the bills by making a difference in the world... I'm just going to have to balance my work life and my home life. We may always be broke, but we'll at least be broke together--unless she leaves me (it's her turn!).
In conclusion, I like to smart off to my wife such things as, "God helps those, who help themselves." In general, I say this to be snide and make fun of her for not being a productive member of our household--not having a job will do that to a person. As snarky as I typically say such things, there is a lesson to be learned here as well; For me and for those of you who are willing to read this. The lesson being this: helping yourself doesn't always mean doing more; sometimes it requires us to say no to more. In order to truly change the world, we need to know that we are putting our best selves out there, and that can't happen if you're working yourself into a stupor.
At this time I would like to thank my wife, for allowing me to make this hard decision on my own all the while fully supporting me in whatever I had decided to do. I love that you support me even if you foresee pitfalls and detriments in my actions--you're the type of lover who will let me take 3 steps in the wrong direction, but still be there when I fall over from exhaustion. Even though, I'm sure there will be times when I would rather you speak up, rather than wait for me to fail. Nonetheless, these are my words to you. Thank-you.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Saturday, May 14, 2016
The First Breakdown//The Need for Grace
I yelled. I screamed. I cried. All at the same time.
Things got real this past week. I had an emotional breakdown.
It was in front of my wife. It was directed at my wife. It was the opposite of what a man is supposed to be.
I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was outside of myself with emotion. I haven't recovered yet.
It takes time to heal wounds, but in order to heal most wounds it requires us to admit we have them. However, in order to admit that we were, at some point in our lives, weak means that we cannot fulfill our social duties of being a strong, upstanding male. As a male in this world it is my job to hold the world's problems on my shoulders and carry on like it doesn't bother me--that I don't feel the strain of the world. Luck for me, up until recently I was able to do so pretty well: I went through my days taking on the problems of the world, doling out advice, offering grace to those who have done wrong, offering shoulders to those who have felt wronged. In doing all of this, I have been able to actively ignore the internal pressure that was building; overlook the problems that I had yet to deal with. It's been a miraculous existence, let me tell you. There are a couple of people, a handful at the most, who know the ins and outs of most of my life, but that doesn't mean that those ins and outs and have been dealt with.
For instance, most of you probably don't know that shortly after I graduated from Drake University, my grandmother passed away. I played it off like an act of a merciful god who saw that she had suffered long enough; but that was the extent of my grief. It wasn't a big deal; I hadn't seen her in years; she was beyond the ability of modern medicine to recover to her full self; she passed. Why should I be effected by the passing of a grandmother who hadn't been an active person in my life? Why? She was my grandmother; there were years when she was a very active part of my life. There were visits, there were sleep overs, there were egg omelets in the morning, with cartoons. That's why. However, I pushed it out. I pushed away those thoughts. I pushed away the things that would make me vulnerable in the eyes of the world so that I could go on protecting those who were less fortunate than I. I could be there for those who needed a helping hand in the storms of life.
Where is my hand? Who is there to help me? Nobody--that's who.
Nobody knows to ask me for help. Nobody knows the storm that is boiling right beneath the surface of my stoic demeanor. Nobody knows because I don't let them. I am too busy protecting myself from the others that there is no time for them to be let in; there's no time for crying; there is no time for a helping hand; a listening ear; a caring word...
The question becomes, what does this have to do with the purpose of this blog? Well, I'm getting there. Backstory is very important to me; it is important for me to let you know what has lead up to the thoughts that are pertinent, plus sometimes just sharing the beginning of the story is enough. I never really know where this is going to end up, so I let the words fall where they may and hope in the end I can breath a little easier. I can sleep a little sounder. I can love my wife just a little better. That's where this is going. That's where I want this to go. So, here comes something...
I just finished reading a book called Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. As I was reading through the 200 pages, they were filled with stories of brokenness, darkness, dead ends, and renewal. People are able to overcome the hardships of life when they are presented with the unwavering gift of grace. Now, this isn't have to be some overly Christian concept that gets thrown around in church. Grace extends far beyond the confines of any particular religious sect. It is life-giving, it is power, it is love.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's OKAY, you ARE LOVED!
IT'S OKAY; YOU ARE LOVED!
That's grace. That's what I need. That's what you need. That's what we all need.
We need people to look us in our eyes and tell us that it is okay, and that we are loved. It doesn't have to be the gushy garbage that you see in rom-com movies, because that's not going to cut it. You come at me with anything less than sincere declarations of "It's okay, you are loved," you are bound to have a rude awakening. I don't do well with empty gestures of any kind. I need people who are willing to walk with me, and talk with me, and tell me that it's okay.
Page after page in the book is filled with the stories of people who needed just that. They needed gestures of grace that were meaningful and life giving--not empty and selfish. Often times I wonder if my "acts of service," mentality is just so I feel good about myself. I like to help others, but is it out of true grace and inspiration that I lend my hands to help, or is something more selfish? Do I look back at my day and say, "Good job man, you helped 4 people today. Let's do better next time!" I hope not. However, it is these sorts of thoughts that barrage my brain and my soul every time somebody reaches out with a word of grace for me. I see it as an empty gesture: they don't really mean it; they don't know me; they don't know what it's like; they don't know; they don't... they can't... they shouldn't... It's always the same. I never accept the grace that is given from others, which makes me wonder if I truly speak grace into the lives of others. Am I selfish? Am I truly caring? Am I truly life giving? Probably not!
We all have sinned and fallen short of of the glory that was intended for us, but what we do in the mean time means a lot!
Last night I begrudgingly went to a graduation banquet with my wife. You see, this is graduation weekend for a lot of institutions--my wife's being no different. So, here they celebrate by having all of the graduates get together and eat dinner and fellowship one more time before meeting up with their families for the ceremony. I didn't want to go, because following my break-down I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I have skulked around the house; ignored my wife; been angry; and have event lost a little joy in the changing of the seasons. It's been rough, needless to say, and I was not in the right mindset to be parading around with people I've only been exposed to 4 months ago: not my scene, not my thing, not my time... but the beginning of what I needed.
As soon as we walked in, one of my wife's friends--the patriarch one of the families on campus--engages us and asks me how I'm doing. I give a blase "it's alright," to which he clearly knew something was off, because he made a snarky comment about not having to deal with him for much longer (they're in the process of finding jobs as well). He saw I was off, and was trying to extend grace into my life--it's okay, you are loved! The night continued with my funk hanging over my head and there were more moments of extended grace that I didn't want to accept: one of the speakers thanked the spouses for the ongoing support that we have provided for the graduates; one of the graduates informed me that her husband didn't really know anybody from the class either; there was even a graduate spouse who had never been to campus until last night.
It's okay, you are loved!
Regardless of my station in life, people care about me. Regardless of how closed off I want to be, people always find a way to speak grace into my life. It's almost like magic, but not really. It's just one of those universal mysteries: sometimes we get it from a book, sometimes from a complete stranger. The god of the universe works through all things to ensure that we are looked after--in some fashion or another...
In closing, I am not the only one who is effected by the work of the spirit surrounding this rush to find a job. There are families, couples and individuals all over the place who are on the same path--some who have been here much longer than others. I'm not responsible for carrying the weight of this process on my shoulders; it is not my burden to bear; it is not my problem to solve. Yes, I will continue to strive to take on as much as I possibly bear, but I need to remember that there are others out there that I can call on to assist. We're not in this world alone, we are surrounded by people, and I have learned that, more often than not, people are willing to lend a helping hand if they're asked. The issue is that we don't know how to help, so we stand idly by while the world passes us by struggling with burdens that are too big for their shoulders.
It's okay, you are loved!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Things got real this past week. I had an emotional breakdown.
It was in front of my wife. It was directed at my wife. It was the opposite of what a man is supposed to be.
I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was outside of myself with emotion. I haven't recovered yet.
It takes time to heal wounds, but in order to heal most wounds it requires us to admit we have them. However, in order to admit that we were, at some point in our lives, weak means that we cannot fulfill our social duties of being a strong, upstanding male. As a male in this world it is my job to hold the world's problems on my shoulders and carry on like it doesn't bother me--that I don't feel the strain of the world. Luck for me, up until recently I was able to do so pretty well: I went through my days taking on the problems of the world, doling out advice, offering grace to those who have done wrong, offering shoulders to those who have felt wronged. In doing all of this, I have been able to actively ignore the internal pressure that was building; overlook the problems that I had yet to deal with. It's been a miraculous existence, let me tell you. There are a couple of people, a handful at the most, who know the ins and outs of most of my life, but that doesn't mean that those ins and outs and have been dealt with.
For instance, most of you probably don't know that shortly after I graduated from Drake University, my grandmother passed away. I played it off like an act of a merciful god who saw that she had suffered long enough; but that was the extent of my grief. It wasn't a big deal; I hadn't seen her in years; she was beyond the ability of modern medicine to recover to her full self; she passed. Why should I be effected by the passing of a grandmother who hadn't been an active person in my life? Why? She was my grandmother; there were years when she was a very active part of my life. There were visits, there were sleep overs, there were egg omelets in the morning, with cartoons. That's why. However, I pushed it out. I pushed away those thoughts. I pushed away the things that would make me vulnerable in the eyes of the world so that I could go on protecting those who were less fortunate than I. I could be there for those who needed a helping hand in the storms of life.
Where is my hand? Who is there to help me? Nobody--that's who.
Nobody knows to ask me for help. Nobody knows the storm that is boiling right beneath the surface of my stoic demeanor. Nobody knows because I don't let them. I am too busy protecting myself from the others that there is no time for them to be let in; there's no time for crying; there is no time for a helping hand; a listening ear; a caring word...
The question becomes, what does this have to do with the purpose of this blog? Well, I'm getting there. Backstory is very important to me; it is important for me to let you know what has lead up to the thoughts that are pertinent, plus sometimes just sharing the beginning of the story is enough. I never really know where this is going to end up, so I let the words fall where they may and hope in the end I can breath a little easier. I can sleep a little sounder. I can love my wife just a little better. That's where this is going. That's where I want this to go. So, here comes something...
I just finished reading a book called Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber. As I was reading through the 200 pages, they were filled with stories of brokenness, darkness, dead ends, and renewal. People are able to overcome the hardships of life when they are presented with the unwavering gift of grace. Now, this isn't have to be some overly Christian concept that gets thrown around in church. Grace extends far beyond the confines of any particular religious sect. It is life-giving, it is power, it is love.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's okay, you are loved.
It's OKAY, you ARE LOVED!
IT'S OKAY; YOU ARE LOVED!
That's grace. That's what I need. That's what you need. That's what we all need.
We need people to look us in our eyes and tell us that it is okay, and that we are loved. It doesn't have to be the gushy garbage that you see in rom-com movies, because that's not going to cut it. You come at me with anything less than sincere declarations of "It's okay, you are loved," you are bound to have a rude awakening. I don't do well with empty gestures of any kind. I need people who are willing to walk with me, and talk with me, and tell me that it's okay.
Page after page in the book is filled with the stories of people who needed just that. They needed gestures of grace that were meaningful and life giving--not empty and selfish. Often times I wonder if my "acts of service," mentality is just so I feel good about myself. I like to help others, but is it out of true grace and inspiration that I lend my hands to help, or is something more selfish? Do I look back at my day and say, "Good job man, you helped 4 people today. Let's do better next time!" I hope not. However, it is these sorts of thoughts that barrage my brain and my soul every time somebody reaches out with a word of grace for me. I see it as an empty gesture: they don't really mean it; they don't know me; they don't know what it's like; they don't know; they don't... they can't... they shouldn't... It's always the same. I never accept the grace that is given from others, which makes me wonder if I truly speak grace into the lives of others. Am I selfish? Am I truly caring? Am I truly life giving? Probably not!
We all have sinned and fallen short of of the glory that was intended for us, but what we do in the mean time means a lot!
Last night I begrudgingly went to a graduation banquet with my wife. You see, this is graduation weekend for a lot of institutions--my wife's being no different. So, here they celebrate by having all of the graduates get together and eat dinner and fellowship one more time before meeting up with their families for the ceremony. I didn't want to go, because following my break-down I haven't really been in the mood for anything. I have skulked around the house; ignored my wife; been angry; and have event lost a little joy in the changing of the seasons. It's been rough, needless to say, and I was not in the right mindset to be parading around with people I've only been exposed to 4 months ago: not my scene, not my thing, not my time... but the beginning of what I needed.
As soon as we walked in, one of my wife's friends--the patriarch one of the families on campus--engages us and asks me how I'm doing. I give a blase "it's alright," to which he clearly knew something was off, because he made a snarky comment about not having to deal with him for much longer (they're in the process of finding jobs as well). He saw I was off, and was trying to extend grace into my life--it's okay, you are loved! The night continued with my funk hanging over my head and there were more moments of extended grace that I didn't want to accept: one of the speakers thanked the spouses for the ongoing support that we have provided for the graduates; one of the graduates informed me that her husband didn't really know anybody from the class either; there was even a graduate spouse who had never been to campus until last night.
It's okay, you are loved!
Regardless of my station in life, people care about me. Regardless of how closed off I want to be, people always find a way to speak grace into my life. It's almost like magic, but not really. It's just one of those universal mysteries: sometimes we get it from a book, sometimes from a complete stranger. The god of the universe works through all things to ensure that we are looked after--in some fashion or another...
In closing, I am not the only one who is effected by the work of the spirit surrounding this rush to find a job. There are families, couples and individuals all over the place who are on the same path--some who have been here much longer than others. I'm not responsible for carrying the weight of this process on my shoulders; it is not my burden to bear; it is not my problem to solve. Yes, I will continue to strive to take on as much as I possibly bear, but I need to remember that there are others out there that I can call on to assist. We're not in this world alone, we are surrounded by people, and I have learned that, more often than not, people are willing to lend a helping hand if they're asked. The issue is that we don't know how to help, so we stand idly by while the world passes us by struggling with burdens that are too big for their shoulders.
It's okay, you are loved!
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
Sunday, May 1, 2016
No News is Neutral News; Some News is Bad News.
Welcome to the end of another week.
I wish there was good news.
I wish there was something new that I could share with you.
I wish a lot of things, however I was once told by a wise soul that you can "wish in one hand and crap in the other; then see which fills up quicker." That's where I find myself; throwing wishes into the universe while consistently digging through crap. It isn't fun, and it seems to be unending.
The question remains, where is our chance? Yes, I am speaking in first person plural (or whatever the tense is) because this is a team effort. Her getting a job effects my life just as much as hers. It is our life that we are working through. When we presented each other with vows, that we wrote independently, we agreed that we would stand by each other through thick and thin--it's us against the world in a sense. However, there are times when it feels like I have walked away from a life for nothing. I sacrificed a good paying job that wasn't completely horrible; a school district that I knew, and knew people in; I walked away from a city that is growing in areas that I want to be a part of; to join my wife in her struggle against the world.
Is is selfish to want something in return for the sacrifice? Is it wrong of me to want to return to the life that I once had? Is this is the place I am supposed to be?
I don't know.
The struggle is real. The stress is mounting. The time for a deity to intervene seems to be now.
Where is God? Where is the plan? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train making us run in the opposite direction? I want answers and all I get is lip service about how people are praying for us and there is a time and a place for us. This is all well and good when there are indicators of progress, but when we sit around and just dream of receiving a phone call with somebody saying, "We're putting your name to the congregation for a vote," it gets old. I'm going crazy waiting for this process to get it's job done, and yet I'm supposed to be happy for everybody else.
There are people around here who have been interviewed, voted on and are being ordained as pastors for their first calls. Here we are scrabbling to get any sort of idea when we might be given another chance to interview at another church. I have set-up interviews for part-time jobs in the meantime, as my substitute teacher days are numbered as the school year comes to a close. Where are we going to live when the housing contract runs out? What are we supposed to do if she doesn't have a job before all of this happens?
I don't know. I want to know. I want answers.
Everybody tells me that I just need to keep being loving and supportive. I am supposed to be the rock for my wife to rest on when things don't get figured out. However, who is supposed to support me? Who is supposed to be my rock? Who am I to fall back on when things don't get figured out and we're out of options? I have nobody by my wife, and we can't talk about anything except how we need to get everything figured out. It has begun to consume our life together and it is starting to disrupt our life together. What do I do? Who do I talk to? What are my options? This is kind of the place where I figured I would end up though, but not this soon. There are no supports for those of us on the outside of this process, and even those who are going through the process are given all sorts of lip service about how things are going to be okay, to pray, to keep holding onto the faith that got them this far.
It feels like bunk. It feels like they're just business people messing with people's lives. It feels like they will tell people anything they need to hear to subdue their fears, but never really do anything to alleviate those fears. It is like we are at the beck and call of people who supposedly have our best interest in mind, but what is really going on?
I don't know. I want answers.
However, today we got a call from a church pertaining to sending some paperwork about mileage, and that they finished up their interviews and should be making a decision shortly. We had interviewed at this church in the second spot on our itinerary. Following this interview, we had several long talks about the possibility of accepting a position at this church, to which we both thought it would not be such a good fit. However, at this point there is still hope that they would want her to be a pastor. The question becomes, what do we do? Is this is the door that we're supposed to walk through, even though we're unsure as to whether it would be ideal or not. We were told on several occasions that we should not settle; that we should wait for the "a god moment," to reveal itself. We didn't look into this church, the offices sent her name there because they thought it would be a good fit. Is that a god moment? Is that a door opening where we didn't expect it? However, there is still the fact that they don't want her either, which would make that an open and closed case then. So, the speculation continues. There is nothing I can do but sit and wait, which is the worst part. I hate waiting. I am a man of action and there isn't any going on.
I don't know. I need answers. We need answers.
I realize that this isn't really about what it means to be a pastor's husband, but this is very much a part of my journey to get there. Like I mentioned in previous posts, she has to become a pastor before I can officially be a husband of a pastor. We're all pulling for her, but I don't think everybody is pulling their weight around her. Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because my faith has been very miss, rather than hit? I have thought about checking out some local churches in order to get my worship on, but I haven't yet. I've been too busy worried about everything else. The lesson to be learned here is you have to take care of yourself. I have been subbing in the district, but haven't really found a way to rest, revitalize or re-energize myself. There is no way I can fully support and care for my wife if I haven't first taken care of myself. I need to figure myself out; I need help!
Here's hoping for some clarity in the very near future.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. Thoughts on a more in depth take on this project are in the making. Stay tuned.
I wish there was good news.
I wish there was something new that I could share with you.
I wish a lot of things, however I was once told by a wise soul that you can "wish in one hand and crap in the other; then see which fills up quicker." That's where I find myself; throwing wishes into the universe while consistently digging through crap. It isn't fun, and it seems to be unending.
The question remains, where is our chance? Yes, I am speaking in first person plural (or whatever the tense is) because this is a team effort. Her getting a job effects my life just as much as hers. It is our life that we are working through. When we presented each other with vows, that we wrote independently, we agreed that we would stand by each other through thick and thin--it's us against the world in a sense. However, there are times when it feels like I have walked away from a life for nothing. I sacrificed a good paying job that wasn't completely horrible; a school district that I knew, and knew people in; I walked away from a city that is growing in areas that I want to be a part of; to join my wife in her struggle against the world.
Is is selfish to want something in return for the sacrifice? Is it wrong of me to want to return to the life that I once had? Is this is the place I am supposed to be?
I don't know.
The struggle is real. The stress is mounting. The time for a deity to intervene seems to be now.
Where is God? Where is the plan? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train making us run in the opposite direction? I want answers and all I get is lip service about how people are praying for us and there is a time and a place for us. This is all well and good when there are indicators of progress, but when we sit around and just dream of receiving a phone call with somebody saying, "We're putting your name to the congregation for a vote," it gets old. I'm going crazy waiting for this process to get it's job done, and yet I'm supposed to be happy for everybody else.
There are people around here who have been interviewed, voted on and are being ordained as pastors for their first calls. Here we are scrabbling to get any sort of idea when we might be given another chance to interview at another church. I have set-up interviews for part-time jobs in the meantime, as my substitute teacher days are numbered as the school year comes to a close. Where are we going to live when the housing contract runs out? What are we supposed to do if she doesn't have a job before all of this happens?
I don't know. I want to know. I want answers.
Everybody tells me that I just need to keep being loving and supportive. I am supposed to be the rock for my wife to rest on when things don't get figured out. However, who is supposed to support me? Who is supposed to be my rock? Who am I to fall back on when things don't get figured out and we're out of options? I have nobody by my wife, and we can't talk about anything except how we need to get everything figured out. It has begun to consume our life together and it is starting to disrupt our life together. What do I do? Who do I talk to? What are my options? This is kind of the place where I figured I would end up though, but not this soon. There are no supports for those of us on the outside of this process, and even those who are going through the process are given all sorts of lip service about how things are going to be okay, to pray, to keep holding onto the faith that got them this far.
It feels like bunk. It feels like they're just business people messing with people's lives. It feels like they will tell people anything they need to hear to subdue their fears, but never really do anything to alleviate those fears. It is like we are at the beck and call of people who supposedly have our best interest in mind, but what is really going on?
I don't know. I want answers.
However, today we got a call from a church pertaining to sending some paperwork about mileage, and that they finished up their interviews and should be making a decision shortly. We had interviewed at this church in the second spot on our itinerary. Following this interview, we had several long talks about the possibility of accepting a position at this church, to which we both thought it would not be such a good fit. However, at this point there is still hope that they would want her to be a pastor. The question becomes, what do we do? Is this is the door that we're supposed to walk through, even though we're unsure as to whether it would be ideal or not. We were told on several occasions that we should not settle; that we should wait for the "a god moment," to reveal itself. We didn't look into this church, the offices sent her name there because they thought it would be a good fit. Is that a god moment? Is that a door opening where we didn't expect it? However, there is still the fact that they don't want her either, which would make that an open and closed case then. So, the speculation continues. There is nothing I can do but sit and wait, which is the worst part. I hate waiting. I am a man of action and there isn't any going on.
I don't know. I need answers. We need answers.
I realize that this isn't really about what it means to be a pastor's husband, but this is very much a part of my journey to get there. Like I mentioned in previous posts, she has to become a pastor before I can officially be a husband of a pastor. We're all pulling for her, but I don't think everybody is pulling their weight around her. Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because my faith has been very miss, rather than hit? I have thought about checking out some local churches in order to get my worship on, but I haven't yet. I've been too busy worried about everything else. The lesson to be learned here is you have to take care of yourself. I have been subbing in the district, but haven't really found a way to rest, revitalize or re-energize myself. There is no way I can fully support and care for my wife if I haven't first taken care of myself. I need to figure myself out; I need help!
Here's hoping for some clarity in the very near future.
Sincerely,
A [Future] Pastor's Husband
P.S. Thoughts on a more in depth take on this project are in the making. Stay tuned.
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